grace eventually.

Brief Update.

2012-02-01T19:19:00.004-06:00

I've been trying to remember what it felt like my first days at Starbucks Ruston. After almost 5 years with predominantly the same team, they became my family. Today was my first day at my new store here in Columbia (technically Lexington). Everyone I met, from partners to customers, were super nice. The layout is a lot different from what I'm used to, but part of the fun is getting lost in the store, I suppose. My only real complaint is my schedule. I close all weekend, then 4 nights next week, including my birthday. Amber, my manager, seemed willing to work with me on this as I am not a night person. Obviously, I know that closing is something to be expected, but hopefully not every night! In the meantime, I'm enjoying sleeping in!

I'm continually thankful for the Syferts and the way they have welcomed me into their family. At dinner tonight, I asked Chloe what she did while I was at work. She told me she really missed me while I was gone:-)

Things I wasn't expecting....

2012-01-31T08:24:00.004-06:00

....Going thru the grief process after I got here. Yesterday was an emotional day for me, filled with excitement of starting something new, yet missing things and people back home. Luke and Lauren threw me a surprise "Welcome to Columbia" party last night. Thankfully they gave me an hour heads-up, which I was very grateful for. I'm an introvert, as most of you who know me well, know about me. Plus I wasn't feeling the greatest physically yesterday, so I think, Lauren, especially, was worried about me, but it was great meeting people from their church and wondering a year from now if I'll be connected to any of them beyond acquaintance level.

Today I'm venturing out into Columbia on my own to pick up some things and maybe go by my new store. Surprisingly I didn't drink any coffee from Starbucks yesterday. That's a record, I think. I've been missing April a lot, remembering our first days in Lexington together, exploring, getting lost, discovering our favorite restaurants and shops. I forgot how much I enjoyed having that security, knowing I wasn't alone moving to a new place. After living in Chicago after college, I remember how vitally important Community is for me, even if it's only one or two people. I'm realizing now how good it truly is living with the Syferts these first couple of months. I have a support system right outside my bedroom door that challenges me to not hole up inside myself, which is what my survival mode tells me to do, and actually go out and find that Community I need to truly survive in life.

Thanks to those of you who have been checking in on me periodically. So grateful for avenues such as Facebook, Twitter, and cell phones that allow my worldwide Community to always be close.

Welcome Home!

2012-01-30T09:39:00.003-06:00

I've officially made it to Columbia. I know I've been silent the last couple of months as I've prepared for this day, but honestly I never anticipated how busy I would be packing up and saying goodbye to loved ones. And this past week was no exception. Wednesday was my last official day at my store in Ruston. Thursday I woke up and drove to Baton Rouge to visit my friends, Sarah and Hannah, and to meet Baby Evan! Friday, Jamison flew into New Orleans from Columbia to spend the weekend and to drive back to Columbia with me. I have to tell you, the boy's a trooper. After getting lost in New Orleans several times causing us to leave there at 7p, then having to ride with me in the car for 5 more hours after waking up at 3a that morning. He never complained once nor fell asleep on me. Saturday he met several of my friends (and family), and even endured a 12-year-old's basketball game (where they don't keep score). That night he sat by me as I watched my beautiful friend, Jennifer get married. Yesterday we left Ruston around 9a after getting our first cup of coffee (of several) and stopping by to say goodbye to the God-children. 13 hours later we made it to Columbia, exhausted. Again, he never complained and refused to go to sleep after I told him to several times. I'm not sure I tell him enough how thankful I am for him. He makes me laugh often and continuously offers me encouragement when I'm frustrated, and worse tired. I'm not the most pleasant person when I'm tired (or hungry). I'm sure he's figured this out by now. Hopefully that won't deter him to give up on me since we live in the same city now.

This morning I'm enjoying time with my friend, Lauren, and her two beautiful girls, Chloe and Josalin. She and her husband, Luke, who I've talked about many times before, have graciously opened up their home to me while I get settled into my new life here in Columbia. I start at my new store on Wednesday. I would ask that you continue to pray with me as I learn how to rely on God in new ways and build new relationships here in Columbia. I'm super excited to see that God has in store for me in 2012.

No good adventure happens without good friends beside you. Special thanks to Luke and Lauren Syfert and Jamison Combs for embarking on this new adventure with me.

Thoughts from a Single Girl.

2012-01-27T04:20:00.006-06:00

I recently read a great blog post on singleness, specifically being a "Single Lady". Thank you, Beyonce, for writing a song just for us, by the way. After posting it to my Facebook, one of my married friends commented on how grateful she was to read it & how she appreciated hearing what we single gals go through. It's interesting to me how so many of my married girlfriends have "forgotten" what it's like to be single. Now granted I have a lot of friends who got married right out of elementary school, I mean high school, so they probably have forgotten, but I feel like its something I'll never forget, even after I've been married for awhile. After reading Lincee's post, it got me thinking about rituals that have been bestowed upon the single girl, such as the bouquet toss at weddings. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure it's intent was to be a fun way to include those of us who are unfortunate to show up to a wedding unwed, or God forbid , dateless, but I rarely find women who are excited about showcasing their singleness at a wedding, so why must we parade ourselves to the middle of the floor for all to watch as we humiliatingly wait for the bride to peg one of us with her bouquet? Not to mention that as we get older we find ourselves surrounded by 20-somethings or even worse, standing there alone. Even as I'm honored to have a cute boy on my arm at a friend's wedding this weekend, I can honestly say, I still do not want to be "singled" out. It's really not good for the self-esteem & it causes one to think that singleness is not good or meant to be celebrated. It is. Now I do want to get married some day, to the man God chooses for me, but in the meantime, I want to feel like my singleness is as much to be celebrated as getting married or having a baby. I realize it may not be as exciting or glamorous, but it's certainly not worth the looks of pity or concern that older women in particular like to pass down.

My favorite incident happened a year or so ago while I was working the bar at Starbucks. A woman I've known most of my life was standing there & we were chatting about her family & her recent grandchild. At one point in the conversation she looked at me & said, "What about you? I bet your mom is ready for you to give her a grandbaby." At that moment I actually felt judged for being single & childless, as if it's my choice that I haven't met the right guy to marry & have children. I think I just looked at her a little stunned & told her nicely that I have a mom who wants me to be happy & if that includes children one day, then wonderful. If not, her life will not be any less complete. What I really wanted to do was dump her extra hot latte all over her body, but I didn't. It's what most women her age in the South, especially, think is "right".

So the next time you're hanging out with a single girl, how about celebrating with her all the exciting things going on in her life that may or may not include a significant other. Trust me, we'll appreciate it!

forgiveness...

2011-11-11T11:58:00.011-06:00

When I was in seminary, I took a counseling class on walking clients through forgiveness. I honestly think it was more enlightening for us than it would ever be for our clients. We had to face those places in our lives where we were will still harboring unforgiveness. I honestly thought I had dealt with those hard places...until a year ago. It was then that I realized just how layered our hurts can be. Several months ago I learned that a person I had once loved betrayed again. This time it wasn't me. Yet, I found those ugly feelings of anger, betrayal, mistrust, and unforgiveness welling up inside of me. My resounding question was, "How could he?" Sadly, this has been a familiar question I've asked since then, not about this guy, but about countless others who have betrayed...betrayed people I love. And yet, in all these situations, I've been called to help my loved ones walk through forgiveness. It's a daunting task really, especially when you come face to face with your own lack of forgiveness.

A couple of weeks ago I came face to face with unforgiveness yet again. Someone who abruptly left my life showed up out of the blue and as soon as I saw him I was filled with anger, not just because I was remembering how he had hurt me, but because I realized how he was affecting my current relationships. As much as I didn't want to, I had to admit that these feelings I was having towards him were more harmful to me than they'll ever be to him. The thing about unforgiveness is that it festers. Sure it can lie dormant for awhile, but in time, it will always always always pop back up. Often times, it is transferred onto people who had nothing to do with the initial circumstance.

This is what I've been reflecting on for the past month. As much as I feel like I have the "right" to hold on to my anger, hurt, and unforgiveness towards people who have hurt me, what I don't want to happen is transference of mistrust and insecurity onto the people who have committed to being a part of my life. No, I can't just automatically forgive instantaneously (boy, do I wish), but I can choose every day to strive for forgiveness, allow God to meet me in those places of hurt, and rely on Him to bring me to a place of complete forgiveness and freedom. I want to love with every fiber of my being. I want to freely give my heart away without dwelling on how others have misused it in the past. I want to trust when someone tells me that I'm important and that they have no intention of purposely hurting me. I have to CHOOSE this for me. I can't expect people to prove it to me, because in the end, they will fail. Not because they want to, but because we are all human, and as much as we don't want to, we will always come up short. So today, I choose to rely on Jesus to make up for my shortcomings. I pray that people will extend grace to me when I fail and I will try to offer the same in return. It is the best gift we can ever offer one another.

God Is Able.

2011-10-18T22:34:00.009-05:00

This has been my theme song for the last couple of weeks. One thing I learned at a young age, thankfully, is that regardless of how I may feel or what the circumstances are going on around me, God is for me. He will go before me. And He will never leave me.

God is able
He will never fail
He is almighty God
Greater than all we seek
Greater than all we ask
He has done great things

Lifted up
He defeated the grave
Raised to life
Our God is able
In His name
We overcome
For the Lord
Our God is able

God is with us
God is on our side
He will make a way
Far above all we know
Far above all we hope
He has done great things

Lifted up
He defeated the grave
Raised to life
Our God is able
In His name
We overcome
For the Lord
Our God is able

God is with us
He will go before
He will never leave us
He will never leave us
God is for us
He has open arms
He will never fail us
He will never fail us

Lifted up
He defeated the grave
Raised to life
Our God is able
In His name
We overcome
For the Lord
Our God is able

For the Lord
Our God is able
For the Lord
Our God is able

How Catalyst changed my life.

2011-10-06T13:48:00.006-05:00

This time every year for the past 3+ years, you would find me at the Gwinnett Center in Duluth GA for the annual Catalyst Leadership Conference. Incredible leaders of all types come and impart their wisdom upon pastors and church leaders from all over the US. Up and coming worship leaders take the stage and lead us into heartfelt times of communion with the Lord. There's nothing quite like worshiping with literally thousands of other believers in one place. There's also times of crazy skits and attempts to create our own Doritos commercial for the Super Bowl which sadly did not win last year. What stands out to me the most about this conference is not all the hoopla, but how God always shows up to speak directly to me. Without a doubt, each October I'm entering into some kind of hard season. Questioning my purpose, my role in ministry, my worth as his beloved child. Every year one or more speakers stands up and speaks directly to these doubts and brings me to a new place of assurance that I AM NOT ALONE. Ministry is by far one of the most challenging jobs one can do. It's easy for your own spiritual well-being to be put on the back-burner as you attempt to lead others to the foot of the Cross, proclaiming the very truth that you yourself have lost sight of.

Last year, I remember spending the day before the conference sick in my hotel room, looking up jobs in Nashville, schools that offered good counseling graduate programs, and praying with all my might that the Lord would reveal to me what His next steps for me might be. I was still at Trinity, but even then I could sense that my time would be coming to an end soon. I didn't share this with many people, just my close friends scattered across the globe who were fervently praying for me. This year I'm sitting at a local coffee shop, wishing so much I was at Catalyst, only this year I'm not questioning. Had the Lord revealed to me what He had in store for me this past year, I probably would have been in disbelief. He is faithful. He brings about change in ways we never thought we could handle. He introduces us to new people that step in and commit to walking the journey with us.

Last year, like all the years before, I left Catalyst feeling rejuvenated and certain that God had not abandoned me, but was continuing to mold me and to shape me into something that only he could create. I just have to trust him and be willing to jump into the unknown WITH HIM. Because when we finally let go, we find we have nothing to lose.

Today as we celebrate the life of a great leader and innovator, I leave you with this quote from Steve Jobs:

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything -- all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.... Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

god loves ugly.

2011-09-26T19:26:00.003-05:00

Whether we’re 12 or 102, I think we all battle insecurities. As we get older, we hopefully understand a little better how to control them as well as how we allow (or not allow) them to define us or affect us in a negative way. I’ve been reading a new book: God Loves Ugly by Christa Black. She shares her own journey of insecurity and how it’s shaped her into who she is today. She has a passion for teaching women the importance of taking control of how we think because it not only affects how we feel, it affects how we respond to ourselves, to others, and to our circumstances.

When I was growing up, I perceived myself as the awkwardly quiet fat girl with frizzy hair and braces. Now granted, I’ve always dealt with weight issues most of my life, but in high school it became an obsession. I was a dancer, but I’ve never had the body type. As a size 10, I was the biggest girl in my class. So I did what I could to “get skinny”. I worked out incessantly and I ate next to nothing. Looking back on it now, I would say I struggled with anorexic tendencies. Now granted, I never got unhealthily skinny. I maintained a healthy weight that in my opinion (at the time) was overweight. I remember my Dad being confused one day when he asked me what size t-shirt I needed for an event. I immediately responded “extra-large”. He looked at me quizzically and asked if I was sure I wanted one that big. See, in my head I was an extra-large girl. I still have one of those t-shirts. In fact, it’s one of my favorites to sleep in, but even now, as a size 14, it’s still way too big for me.

I was also a shy kid. And unfortunately, shy is perceived as either snobby or boring. I like to believe that I was neither. I surrounded myself with very outgoing, very confident, (and very beautiful) girlfriends. When I was a freshman in high school, I remember going to the mall with my friend, Stacy. We ran into an acquaintance of ours who introduced us to a guy from another school down the road. I was immediately entranced in his gorgeous blue eyes. When I say it was love at first sight, it was love at first sight. Of course, Stacy carried on a conversation with him for a good 10 minutes while I stood there awkwardly, blushing uncontrollably, and trying not to stare at him and his incredible handsomeness. I think besides telling him my name, I never said another word. As we walked away, I told Stacy that I, of course, was in love with him. The good friend that she is made it her mission to get us together. We dated for about a month, but I remember him telling me that he thought I wasn’t interested because I barely spoke to him. I was comfortable taking a backseat to my friends, allowing them to shine. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t have anything to say. I am and continue to be an internal processor. Not to mention that boys scared the hell out of me. It wasn’t until college that I finally felt comfortable enough to engage in conversations with guys. What I then learned about myself is that the guys that I am drawn to are the ones that make the effort to really get to know me, help me feel comfortable in my own skin, and who aren’t intimidated by my “quietness”.

The other day I was discussing some of this with my friend, Jenn. She made the comment that I have a gift for connecting with people quickly and a passion to get to know them. I looked at her blankly. This is something I never really observed about myself. I still see myself as that awkward shy girl trying not to come across as snobby or boring. Sometimes we need friends in our lives to mirror back the TRUTH of who we are, not the flaws that we see.

Tonight I shared with our 7^th grade girls at church a little of what I’ve been learning from this book. Christa pointed out 4 specific things that’s true for all of us:

· We are all wonderfully unique.

· We are all talented in our own ways.

· We are all beautiful.

· We are all worthy of love.

Today I choose to embrace the truth.

pinning dreams.

2011-09-08T10:40:00.006-05:00

I don't know how many of you are familiar with Pinterest, but it's the newest most addicting form of social media meets yummy recipes, DIY projects, design ideas, fashion, and more. I love it! What's so great about it is that once you find something you like, you pin it to one of your boards so you can come back to it at any time. Plus, when you pin something, you're also sharing it with your followers, so it's a virtual way of bouncing ideas off one another. Seriously, who comes up with this stuff?

A couple of days ago I came across the picture you see to your left. I fell in love with the idea. As I've shared here, I've never been a big dreamer. I'm not saying I don't have dreams, trust me, I do, but it's hard for me to articulate sometimes. Truth be told, I'm afraid once I verbalize my dreams, even if only to myself, that they may not come true, and I'll be disappointed. What I've been learning is that if I'm not willing to really figure out what my dreams are, I'll never be able to follow after them, or through attempting to follow one, stumble across another that I didn't even know I had. So, I've started my own dream jar. It only has 4 dreams in it so far, but I intend to add to it. This is a more simpler (& cuter) idea than my earlier plan to start a dream journal. It gives me the freedom to add to it and even take out as my dreams either change or actually come to be.

Now go check out Pinterest and see what dreams open up for you!

Announcement.

2011-09-01T10:37:00.010-05:00

I have a very exciting announcement to make! I've been sitting on it awhile and just recently started sharing it with friends and family. In January 2012 I will be moving to Columbia, SC. I suppose it's something I've been contemplating for months now as you've probably noted from previous posts. As I was sharing with a good friend last night, I so often struggle with aligning what I want with God's will and automatically assuming that because it's something I want, then it must not be right. I realize this is a skewed view of who our God is. I suppose I attribute this to so many broken dreams I've had along the way, dreams that I now look at and know that it was indeed God's best for me not to have them. I can't necessarily say what my life in Columbia will look like. I'm going on faith, knowing that I have a few good friends there who are thrilled I've made the decision to do life with them. I'll be transferring with my beloved Starbucks. I'm so thankful I work for a company who not only offers excellent health insurance but also provides partners the opportunity to transfer to stores all over the world. Talk about job security! We're also praying that God would open up some ministry opportunities there. Luke Syfert, one of my very best friends in the whole world, is on staff at a church in Columbia and has asked if I would consider doing ministry with him. It was a resounding YES! I couldn't think of a better person to partner with in ministry. Not to mention that I will get to be around his awesome wife, Lauren, and their two beautiful girls, Chloe and Josalin. There's also one other person that I'm looking forward to seeing on a regular basis. To protect his privacy, he'll remain nameless:-) I haven't shut the door on going back to school. I'm still very interested in finishing my Masters in Counseling...it's just not the right time. I'm so grateful for these past 5 years back in Ruston, specifically the time spent with my parents and my God-children. But I'm so excited about my future and what God has in store for me. My desire is to be faithful to Him and I know that He will provide for me in return.

These last 8 months have been truly transformational. When I lost my job at Trinity, I was weary and burned out on life and ministry. A month later I said a final goodbye to a friendship that had also been extremely draining and unhealthy for me, leaving me even more broken and battered. God faithfully met me in those places. He brought people into my life to speak truth, to sit with me, and to remind me that first and foremost I am HIS. This is the greatest reminder any of us can hear really. When we stop and think about the truth that we are HIS child and we are loved completely and unconditionally for who we are, it puts things in a whole new perspective. I pray that each of you will be reminded that you are first and foremost HIS and he couldn't be more proud to be your Father. May you embrace this truth today.

One Day.

2011-08-23T18:23:00.005-05:00

'That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it and think how different its course would have been. Pause, you who read this, and think for a long moment of the long chain of iron or gold, or thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on that memorable day.'

Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

apartment tour.

2011-08-07T16:08:00.005-05:00

A request was made that I put up a photo tour of my apartment. I think it's because I gush that it's my favorite place in Ruston. I like to please my readers so here you go! Oh, and feel free to come see it in person any time (you know who you are). Enjoy!

A Rom-Com Kind of Day...

2011-08-03T19:39:00.004-05:00

I've actually been contemplating this post for awhile, composing thoughts in my head, which is never a good idea, by the way, because most of the time my mind is a jumbled mess. I blame it on the job...up at 5am every morning. Although I prefer to open so I can a) get it over with, and b) have the rest of the afternoon/evening to do what I want (sleep), after day 3 of early mornings, I'm pretty sure I look like a walking zombie. For instance, I have very little recollection of this morning, other than repeating the same prayer over and over in my head, but I digress.

Yesterday I decided instead of sleeping the afternoon away causing myself to not sleep well last night I would treat myself to a movie (or 2). It's a great alternative when you live some place that's reaching the 106 degree mark everyday. Free refills on soda and blasting AC. Not to mention that because of my wonderful connections, I have free movie passes (thanks, Sarah). I decided to make it a Rom-Com day. I started out in Friends With Benefits, which I had actually already seen and loved and then ended my movie marathon with Crazy, Stupid, Love. Now although there are certainly things I don't agree with about these movies, what I fell in love with were the heartfelt stories.

In FWB, you meet 2 emotionally damaged/unavailable 20-somethings who are done with love. So, after developing a solid friendship, they decide to try out this whole "friends with benefits" concept. I don't want to ruin the ending for you, but as you can probably guess, it only works out for a little while. But, what I appreciate about the relationship that's developed between Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis' characters is that they learn to really let their guards down and to truly be themselves. They don't just develop some Hollywood romance, they invest in one another and become best friends. Now it seems everything I've been reading and watching lately has been talking about this concept of marrying your best friend. For a long time, I would get really irritated when I would hear people gushing about this, but what that boils down to is me hanging onto hurt and disappointment from past relationships. I fell in love with my best friend in college. He didn't love me back. In fact, he didn't take care of my heart at all. When I became best friends with another guy in seminary, I found myself guarded at times, afraid of the outcome. Thankfully, he proved over and over again that he only wanted to protect my heart and he's still my best friend today. Did we fall in love? No. Do I still measure most guys I meet to him? Absolutely. So how does one end up marrying their best friend? Does it happen when two friends have this "aha" moment that they want to move past friends to lovers? The truth of the matter is that friendship is required for a relationship to really work. Attraction and passion ebb and flow, but it's the friendship that stands the test of time. (Now I sound like a cheesy Hallmark card). I've been reading Don Miller's latest blogs on relationships. (I borrowed the sweet photo above from him.) I suppose now that he's engaged he feels he can offer up his expertise on finding your soul mate. He offers some good insights. Specifically he talks about finding that person you're willing to run the marathon with. It's a good analogy, really. Marriage is a commitment that is supposed to last forever. It's not meant to be over as soon as things get rough. Unfortunately, we as women tend to get caught up in the fairytale romances that happen on the big screen, myself included, but what is often left out is what happens after the couple finally makes that big plunge into "happily ever after."

This brings me to Crazy, Stupid, Love. This is a movie more about seasoned love, with a few other emerging love stories in the background. It's one of those that has a surprise twist that leaves you laughing at the irony. Steve Carrell and Julianne Moore play the typical married couple who have grown apart after 25 years of marriage. Their lives have become mundane, so Emily, Julianne's character, sleeps with a coworker, then informs Cal, Steve's character, that she wants a divorce. Honestly, I don't think she really wants a divorce, I think she just wants to know that their marriage is still worth fighting for. From there we follow Steve's character as he tries to figure out where things went wrong. Along the way he meets Jacob, a womanizing, suave, very confident, very good-looking younger guy who wants to help him "find his manhood." This comes about in a variety of ways: new wardrobe, working out, learning how to talk to women, and then sleeping with them (not such a fan of that one). What he learns as this new life backfires on him is that the woman he fell in love with at the age of 13 is still the same woman he's in love with today. Their day-to-day life made him forget that just because she said yes years ago did not mean that he could stop pursuing her and proving to her everyday that she was worth fighting for. This is where that marathon analogy comes in. They both lost sight of what they had committed to. They lost their friendship. They stopped training and became lazy to the point of almost giving up and making poor decisions that leave them both even more hurt, more confused, and uncertain of their future. They come to a crossroads. Do they begin investing in each other and their family again or do they give up? You'll have to watch the movie to find out what they decide. Plus, those other love stories included in this movie that I mentioned earlier are highly entertaining.

Go see them. I would love to hear your thoughts.

the art of being where you are...

2011-07-28T10:17:00.010-05:00

It’s that time of year when people are getting ready to move on to the next thing. Recently graduated high-school seniors are preparing to leave for college; recently graduated college seniors are looking for their first “real” job, parents are gearing up for another year of school as we endure yet one more day of record heat wave days. Sometimes in the midst of this we forget that God is not done with us where we are today. I’m definitely one to get caught up in the “What’s next?” Ask anyone who knows me. I’m always looking forward to something, usually a trip of some sort that reunites me with people I love. But, if we’re not careful, we will miss out on what’s right in front of us.

At the same time, I have felt for some time now that God is preparing me for some place else. This week I started reading “Here’s to Hindsight” by Tara Leigh Cobble. One thing I’ve learned about myself in the last couple of years is that I’m a spiritual memoir junkie, especially the comedic ones. I appreciate women who are not afraid to share their insights, hurts, struggles, and funny mishaps that have led them deeper to heart of Christ. I read this particular excerpt a couple of nights ago and I haven’t stopped thinking about it. At this point in the story she’s living in her hometown but feeling the pull towards Nashville.

“I started to notice that life was moving and I was standing still there. I was sinking, actually. I could feel God pulling me out, slowly at first—then, all of a sudden, I looked around and I was free. And I knew that I was supposed to use that freedom to move somewhere away from Greeneville.”

Over the last year, I often felt this very thing. Everyone around me is moving in a specific direction and I am just standing still. There isn’t anything holding me here anymore. Now don’t get me wrong, my family means the world to me. I feel like through this season of uncertainty, as I’ve had to lean on my parents (again) that our relationship has grown so much stronger. I’m so lucky to have two parents who support me and want me to be happy, whatever that looks like. My God-children are growing and changing everyday. Garrett’s a pre-teen, but he still thinks I’m cool and wants to hang out with me when I’m around. Grant loves to spend the night at my house and bake cookies and make art projects. Avery still wants me to hold her and sit in my lap while we watch TV. She loves for me to take her to Starbucks to get chocolate milk and go swing on the playground. What I will one day leave behind is huge, but not as huge as what God has in store for me next. This I am certain, but today I choose to worship with my church family, to take my God-children to the movies, to laugh with friends, and to be the best I can be at my job. I believe all these things are part of God preparing me to move on, but at the same time, to not take for granted what he has given me today.

What is Thirty-One?

2011-06-26T17:36:00.005-05:00

Not long after I got laid off from Trinity, I was hanging out w/ my friend, Becky, sharing my concerns over how I was going to survive once my compensation ran out. Thankfully my Starbucks manager rehired me without a blink of an eye, but considering most of 2010 was working both there and at the church, I was taking a significant pay cut. Now I don't consider myself someone who needs a lot of money to live on, however, I made some poor choices in my younger days that I'm still paying for (literally) so that on top of the typical necessities (rent, utilities, food, phone, insurance, etc.) depletes my paycheck in a matter of seconds. Becky had been to a Thiry-One party a few months back and thought it would be something I would be good at. As I flipped through their catalog, I immediately thought of 10 people that would not only buy their stuff, but would happily throw a party for their friends to come and buy stuff too. It's a Christian-based company (Thirty-One is connected to the Proverbs 31 woman) that sells different types of bags in a variety of different patterns, along with cute stuff for kids...perfect for the Ruston scene. PLUS, I can sell it from anywhere if I do decide to move on at some point. This Thursday I'll be hosting an open house for my friends and family who have expressed interest in hosting a party for me. I'm really excited to see where this road leads. Stay tuned. Oh, and go check out my website!

When God answers...

2011-06-18T10:25:00.003-05:00

God and I have been in a wrestling match for some time now. Ask my friends, they can tell you. I've prayed broad prayers, I've prayed specific prayers, I've prayed for His will to be done, I've even asked for my will to be done. I mean, c'mon, I have a front row seat in my own life. I think I have a pretty clear idea where my life should go. One of the many things I love about God is how when we pray for specific things, he often answers in ways we never could've imagined. I've laughed a lot this week at his sense of humor. Of course, I've also yelled and cried, but he continues to take it all in, like the good Father that He is. God has called me to be bold in my prayers. I've struggled with this in the past because I was afraid of being disappointed. Praying boldly doesn't mean He's going to give me exactly what I ask for. If that were the case I would be trapped in an unhealthy and unhappy marriage with someone I thought was my soul mate. God thankfully saved me from that many years ago and now, looking back I can see that although that was by far one of the most painful times of my life, it wasn't right. Why is it that we have this tendency to march forward with our plans without consulting Him first? Has He not proved faithful time and time again? Not to mention that when we do stray to follow our own path, He's right there when we realize how stupid we are and leads us back to where we need to be. Of course, it's through those detours that we learn and grow. So today, I continue to pray boldly and I'm trusting that the outcome will be beyond my imagination. Thanks to those of you who are continuing to pray boldly with me.

Life is a journey, not a destination...

2011-06-07T11:06:00.003-05:00

How often have we heard this quote, "Life is a journey, not a destination." Those of us that are believers in Christ are obviously looking toward our eternal destiny, but what about our time here on Earth? How do we manage the journey that lies before us? I've been thinking about this a lot lately (thanks in part to Brian's sermon on Sunday). Sometimes being part of the journey is exhilarating, fun, exciting. Other times, it's just down right hell, but all parts are significant in shaping us into who we were created to be. Those of you who've been reading my blog for awhile know that 2011 has been less than a stellar year. I've experienced job loss, relationship loss, financial struggles, depression, feelings of inadequacy and failure, etc. But, at the same time I've learned what it means to rely on God and to accept support from the people God's placed around me. It's a humbling thing. As one who finds satisfaction in mapping things out and making plans, I've had to learn to just be still, sometimes be spontaneous, and allow myself to just...fall. I'm learning that it's okay to fight for what I want, even if the end result is NOT getting what I want. I'm trusting that through those experiences God is still about the business of leading me to something different, something better. Many of you have been asking about my future, about school, about relocating. I still don't have a definitive answer. (I know what I want, but....) I'm still praying fervently for God's direction and discernment on this and I have a host of people standing in the gap for me, speaking truth when my heart gets the best of me. I'm in the process of creating a dream journal. I know that sounds a little cheesy, but as I've mentioned before, I've never been good at just allowing myself to dream. I'm a realist, sometimes to the point of being a pessimist. I've had my heart broken one too many times, I suppose and as much as I hate to admit it, it often dictates how I respond to things. I have a stop and go mentality at times. I'll be moving along and something triggers something in me that tells me to stop, to retreat when really I just need to push through. Of course, there are times when retreating is a good option. It's a balance I haven't quite mastered yet. Here's to the journey.

What 12 hours in the car produces...

2011-06-03T09:22:00.011-05:00

enchanted + february 23rd + avocado green + method + justin bieber + coffee addict + christmas + moving + eyes that light up + stalker skills + grace + leather pants + food snob + 500 days of summer + moving + target + calista flockhart + twitter + cake pops + aluminum + pure awesome + moving + mustard + killian + kind bars + boston + steak + pink ruffly shirt + depth + brothers & sisters + moving + downtown walks at night + bacon + earth fare + good will hunting + laughter + red hair + moving + glee + sweet smile + storyteller + sprinklers + the lazy song + coconut + jewish butcher + peanut butter + starbucks + moving + "listen..." + 744 miles by car, 757 miles by foot + great hugs + anytime fitness + midtown + community + talking washer & dryer + moving + sarcasm + park + rufkin + state capitol + fall + jesus + 3 months later...still enchanted.

Why Counseling?

2011-05-13T13:13:00.012-05:00

Earlier this week, one of my Starbucks regulars (who coincidentally is also a psychology prof at Tech) asked me why I wanted to pursue my Masters in Counseling. I think I just stared at him. It’s not that I haven’t thought about this question, but I wasn’t prepared to give a well-developed answer at that moment. I think I ended up saying something like, “Why, not?” and we moved on. I had conversation with another friend who’s in grad school a few days later. We started talking about what we would major in if we could start all over. I often wonder if I would’ve been better off if I had pursued my Counseling degree at Asbury instead of my MDiv. I mean, I’m not using my MDiv, and you don’t need a fancy degree to do ministry, at least not the kind of ministry I’m called to. But, the truth of the matter is, there’s no going back. Although I feel overwhelmed sometimes at the amount of money it cost for me to get that fancy MDiv, I know God used that time for a purpose and he will continue to use it as he weaves my life into a tapestry of new experiences. I just have to trust that. I’m one that’s always looking for the purpose behind things, why certain people are brought into our lives, why specific things turn out the way they do, etc. Those questions are usually never answered right away, and unfortunately sometimes they’re never answered at all.

So…getting back to my “Why counseling?” question. I’ve found that most of the time when people are seeking counseling, they are not looking for someone to solve all their problems. They’re looking for someone who will listen and help them process whatever it is they’re going thru. And, they want to know that they’re not alone. Let’s face it, when we face a challenge in our lives, we immediately think that no one could ever understand what we’re dealing with or they may not accept us. What we hopefully find out when we allow ourselves to share our true thoughts and feelings (which sometimes seem crazy to us), is that the person we finally open to has gone thru something similar and wants to journey with as we seek Christ together. These are my favorite moments of ministry. It’s the pulse of what Christ was trying to do when he was here on Earth.

“God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again.” (John 3:17, The Message)

This is my heart. I want people, specifically women, to know that they are not alone in whatever they are struggling with and with the help of some further education, to offer some additional tools and resources to move forward on their journey to wholeness.

Taking the Leap.

2011-05-04T10:59:00.004-05:00

I did it. I applied for grad school (again). I signed up to take the GRE (tomorrow). I filled out the FAFSA (gulp). I'm no longer dragging my feet. I'm moving forward (finally). I met with my friend, Tracy a couple of weeks ago. We graduated from Tech together and she's been in the program for 2 years. As we were discussing everything, she looked at me and said, "You earned an MDiv from Asbury, why in the world are you so nervous about starting grad school at Tech?" It's a valid question. I guess it's due, in large part, to the fact that I haven't been in school since 2006. My 5 year hiatus has made me question whether I can hack being a student again. She assures me I can. So, if all goes as planned I'll be enrolled in the Masters of Counseling program at LA Tech by the Fall. Stay tuned.

Born This Way.

2011-04-27T15:30:00.011-05:00

Most of you know that I've been a GLEE fan since it's conception. Between the performances and the offhand one-liners from Sue Sylvester, I'm always entertained. Last night's episode blew me out of the water. Now initially I wasn't overly excited about it. From the previews and the episode's title, "Born This Way," I was under the impression that it was going to be Gaga-centered. I found myself rolling my eyes. A) I'm not a huge Gaga fan, and B) They've already done Gaga. Can we please move on to someone else? However, from the beginning of the episode I found myself falling in love. Each week Mr. Schuester gives the Glee club a musical assignment based on a theme. This week's assignment was to name what they considered their biggest flaw and put it into song. As the episode unfolds, we watch as they begin to wrestle with these so-called flaws and embrace them. They learn the valuable lesson that we all need to learn: those "flaws" in ourselves that we hate are the very things that make us unique in who we are created to be. The episode wraps up with the Glee club performing Gaga's "Born This Way" dressed in white t-shirts with a word or phrase depicting what they were once ashamed of at the beginning of the episode. Pure genius.

Sadly, it's getting a lot of criticism because the issue of gay bullying comes up again as Kurt decides to return to McKinley High. Some are saying this episode, along with others, is promoting Ryan Murphy's "gay agenda" as it seeks to bring about gay tolerance. I completely disagree. Although this episode did deal with homosexuality, it also dealt with Emma's OCD disorder, Rachel's desire to change her nose, Lauren's campaign to be Prom Queen despite her atypical appearance, and a host of other things. We can't downplay what's happening around us. Gay bullying has been a huge issue as of late. If anything, I think Ryan Murphy is trying to get us to take a new approach of not just tolerance, but acceptance of real people who struggle with real issues. Is that not who we are called to be as the Body of Christ? The truth is we were all born with the need to be loved and accepted for who we are, even those parts of ourselves that we find ugly. The transformation that occurs when we begin to accept ourselves is just plain beautiful.

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I just gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I gotta be me
~Sammy Davis Jr.

I can't remember.

2011-04-19T10:58:00.001-05:00

Yeah, I choked up this morning as I walked out my door.
It’s been the same routine for years now and It’s time I let it go.
It’s sad enough to leave a place I’ve grown to love.
But, I can’t take the same old scene. I need some fresh air to my soul.

And I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.
I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.

I take it like a grain of salt I’m shaking...to the other side I’ll roll.
I’m letting go of all my worries but not of my control.
And it’s hard enough to leave, but it’s better now I’m gone.
Cause Everyone needs someone sometimes…but sometimes we’ve got to be alone.

And I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.
I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.

Now, nothing lasts forever baby. So take it like a precious dream.
Cause when dreams fade to nothing, you’ve got to let yourself go and be free.

You've got to let yourself go and be free.

Baby Ingrid.

2011-04-15T10:43:00.003-05:00

My dear friend Kari gave birth to her 3rd beautiful child a couple of weeks ago. I can't tell you how much this blog post made me weep for joy after walking with her thru her last two somewhat scary deliveries. Meet Ingrid. And if you like what you read here, check out the rest of her blog. Kari's a superwoman. She walked with me thru the hardest heartbreak of my life 12 years ago and although we've lived miles apart for most of our friendship, she's been a huge encourager, cheerleader, prayer warrior, and pen-pal.

Being an adult means...

2011-04-13T16:36:00.004-05:00

I've had so many conversations lately about being an adult and the responsibility that comes with it. When I was a teenager and even in college, I rarely thought about money, other than when it came time to pay bills, Mom and Dad got a phone call:) I'm an only child and I'll admit, I was pretty spoiled. I have incredibly generous parents. My mom loved to buy me things, especially clothes. My grandmother was the same way. I've inherited their love of gift-giving. If you've known me for very long, you've probably experienced my gift-giving at some point. I seriously love giving gifts (and cards), but not just any gift. It's always something thought out and pertinent to that person. Despite that, my parents and grandmother did instill in me that life is not all about money and possessions. I used to go with my grandmother to visit people who were homebound (& bring them gifts). At a young age I learned that I wanted to serve and help other people. This is what led me to Chicago right after college, where I was immersed in serving the poor and building relationships with homeless people. I loved it. Unfortunately it didn't provide enough for me financially to pay back my student loans every month, but it did confirm what I had already figured out in college....God was calling me into ministry. So the next logical step was seminary, where I gained so much more insight into who I am and built life-long friendships with amazing people, in addition to getting a top-notch education. And I accrued more student loans. Now, 3 months after getting laid off from a salaried position at a church, a little burned-out, and still in debt, I wrestle with going back to school. I feel like I'm dragging my feet. I guess, in a way, I am. I jumped in with both feet when God called me to seminary. I also signed that Promissory Note for my student loans without any hesitation, thinking that my commitment to pay them back was way way in the future and I would have a stable job that would provide for me to pay them back. I want to finish my Masters in Counseling, I do, but at what cost? Will I be able to pay for it? Right now I know I can't. Do I really want to take out more student loans in hopes that once I finish I'll get a job that will allow me to pay those back plus what I already have?

This weekend I was supposed to go to Houston to see The Avett Brothers in concert with April and a couple of our other friends. We bought the tickets when I was there for New Years, pre-layoff. We found out today that the concert has been rescheduled for next month due to one of the band member's wife having a baby. Last month, Sarah and I were supposed to see The Civil Wars in New Orleans and the week of we found out they had to reschedule due to laryngitis. That's 2 for 2 concert fails. I went to New Orleans anyway. I wasn't sure when Sarah and I would see each other again with our crazy schedules and it was much needed for both of us. I decided today that I would be responsible and NOT go to Houston this weekend and save that money. It was not a decision made without much agonizing and justification that since I had the days off from work, I should go anyway.

But, this is what being an adult means.... Can I go back to Kindergarten now?

Dreams...

2011-03-27T19:29:00.005-05:00

Dreams, I have dreams

When I'm awake, when I'm asleep.

I love music. Nothing makes me happier than when friends introduce me to new music. The past couple of days, this song by Brandi Carlile has been running through my head. I got to see her in concert in New Orleans last March with some of my favorite girls from college and seminary.

I've been thinking about dreams a lot this week, mainly how as adults we don't dream like we did when we were kids. When I was younger I had dreams of being a teacher, an astronaut, a vet, a princess, a dancer, and I'm sure a slew of other things. I dreamed of being a mommy. Funny how I don't remember much about dreaming of being a wife. Maybe because when we're kids, we think boys have cooties. As I get older, I wonder what happened to my dreams. I think at any age we're entitled to dream, but the trials of life harden us. We become realists. We become bound by our finances, relationships, location, jobs. This is where I'm currently sitting. Earlier this week I began researching grad schools...some near, some far away. I began to dream about my future and I got excited...until reality set in. How in the world can I pursue another degree when I'm still paying for my first two? Is it a wise investment? Or am I just running into something comfortable? I've probably said here before that the thing I love about school is that it's planned out for you. You have a curriculum to follow for 2-4 years. There's an end so you don't have to worry about growing stagnant. Real life isn't really like that. I mean, sure, we try to plan out our perfect path, but 9 times out of 10, we get redirected along the way. Depending on your personality, this can either be scary or exciting. I fluctuate between the two. If I'm being honest 2011 has been a year of shattered dreams so far, not just for me but for so many that I care about...financial hardship, broken relationships, sickness. It becomes exhausting, really and at times can become constraining. I shared with a friend the other day, if I didn't have my relationship with Christ, I seriously don't know what I would do. I need my faith, I need to know that everything is temporal, I need to be reminded that it's not all about me.

So, I'm trusting that with each shattered dream, a new, better dream will emerge and I'm clinging to the One who promised to never let go...

Time to move.

2011-03-20T20:20:00.004-05:00

This morning I woke up & thought, "It's time to move." I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought this before; but there was always something attached to it: a broken relationship, frustration with job, general dissatisfaction with Ruston. None of that's really the case right now. However, when I got laid off from Trinity back in January, I knew God was officially releasing me from here. Actually, I think he released me back in the summer...the lay-off has felt more like a swift kick in the rear to move on. I still want to go back to school & pursue a degree in counseling or social work. I'm just not sure where. The great thing about working for Starbucks is that I can transfer anywhere. I feel like these last couple of months have been a time of training as I moved into a Shift Supervisor role & it's renewed my love for the company. I had lost that when I was working there AND the church...probably because I was just so damn tired all the time. Now there will be plenty I'm leaving behind here...my parents, my God-children, & some great friends, but the great thing about home is you can always come back. As I was listening to the sermon this morning, a couple of things rose to the surface: I have grown stagnant here & as hard as change can be, great faith never comes without great risk & unfortunately, rarely isn't unaccompanied by fear. So, I ask that you pray as I seek out the Lord's discernment on this & I wait for him to open doors because I surely can't do this without him. Now I must go because my God-daughter is yelling at me to play with her:-)

Transition...6 weeks in.

2011-03-02T18:47:00.005-06:00

If anyone had told me what was in store for 2011, I probably wouldn't have believed them. I'm kind of glad we don't know our future. God knows I'd be in a constant state of anxiety 24/7. The last 6 weeks have been nothing short of humbling and somewhat transformational. I've had to learn to let go of what my life was, the security I held in a salaried income, and even a good friend. Honestly, losing the job was nothing compared to losing my friend. I wish I had some great insight into that, but honestly I don't. I've always been told that there are friends that you have for a season and then there are the friends you have for life. I guess I just didn't realize our season would only last a little over a year. Another friend sent me this quote not too long ago, "Don't save room for somebody in your life who makes no effort to want to stay." Although I think it's dead-on, I have a hard time letting go, especially when there's no explanation or closure, but I'm doing the best I can & trusting that it's all for the better. I will always love this person and one day maybe I won't want to punch them in the face when I see them or hear about them from someone else.

I'm also trying to focus on other things, school being a primary one. I'm in the process of finding out info on finishing my counseling degree here at Tech while continuing to work at Starbucks. The program is 30 hours of class work and then 15 hours of practicum/internship. I'm hoping to transfer a few classes in from Asbury to cut it down even more! Would love prayers for this. I'm still not sure where the money's going to come from, but I know that God will provide if it's the right step.

Scratch that last post....well, some of it.

2011-01-22T17:48:00.006-06:00

Last Tuesday afternoon, I got a phone call from my boss asking if I could come talk to him for a few minutes. From the tone in his voice, I knew it couldn’t be good. With butterflies in my stomach, I made my way back to the church. When I got there, I not only found Jerry but Brian as well, waiting for me. It was then my heart sank. We sat down and made some small talk and finally Jerry broke the news. Due to budget cuts, my position at the church is being laid off. I’ve never experienced a conversation like this before, but I can imagine there’s just no positive way to go about that. Both Jerry and Brian were very affirming of my gifts and have been super supportive in doing whatever it takes to get me back on my feet. Although I was initially shocked and upset about the news, I quickly moved into survival mode, trying to discern what my next step will be. (I’m also a delayed reactor. Ask April about the apartment fire of 2002!) I called Corey, my Starbucks manager and on Monday I returned back to Starbucks. He offered me a new position as a shift supervisor, so although the pay will be significantly less, I’m grateful to have a job to go back to. What I’ve realized through all this is how quick I am to take care of other people, but not so quick to allow other people to take care of me and that’s what I really need right now. As long as I’m busy I’m fine. It’s when I have time to just be still and think that I get anxious. I’ve had the last couple of days off and although it’s been good to get caught up on laundry and the like, I feel restless. I have no idea what the future holds. It’s exciting but it’s also scary. I like to be control. Let’s face it, who doesn’t? What I do know is that I want to finish my counseling degree. It’s always been in the back of my mind, but after several conversations and some soul-searching the last couple of weeks, I really want to do it. It’s the how, when, and where I’m not sure about. Ideally I would love to finish at Asbury since that’s where I earned my MDiv, but school of any kind is expensive, even moreso there. It may be that I continue working at Starbucks and take one class a semester online for the time being. I’m just not sure and for a planner, that’s a little daunting.

While I was packing up my office earlier this week, I saw this fortune taped to my computer. I remember the day I read it. Aren’t we all looking for that gift of contentment? I had become so complacent with my life that I didn’t even realize how un-content I was. Although I miss my co-workers like crazy, I wasn’t content in my job. And since I wasn’t really doing anything about that, I guess God decided to give me a little push towards something better. Don’t get me wrong, I learned a ton while I was there and I’m so grateful that Trinity allowed me the opportunity to work there and gain experience. Now I’m trying to take life one day at a time, cherish the incredible support I have from my wonderful friends and family, and enjoy the journey.

P.S. Happy Belated Birthday to my wonderful friend, Kari Curtis! Miss you, friend!

a New Year's plea.

2011-01-08T17:43:00.004-06:00

It’s my first Saturday that I no longer work at Starbucks…well, technically it’s my second, but since I was out of town last weekend, I don’t really count it. I still have mixed emotions about quitting. I don’t miss the early mornings, but today as I was hanging out at home I felt like something wasn’t right, like I was being irresponsible because I wasn’t at work. I have a feeling this will pass quickly when I begin to enjoy having Saturdays back to do as I wish. Earlier this week, my friend, Dan commented on my last blog post. He petitioned me to be more disciplined about sharing my thoughts on here on a more regular basis, to continue taking those steps toward vulnerability. He caught me on a weird day. I immediately thought if I shared with the blogosphere my honest thoughts on this particular day, it might not fare well. But alas, he has a point. We are drawn to people who are honest because they essentially say what we may have been thinking at some point in life. So, here’s my first new year’s confession. I’ve discovered that I don’t share people, or rather, people’s attention very well. I attribute a lot of this to being an only child. I never had to share my parents with anyone. It’s still a mystery to me how parents love all their children equally and manage to give them each a sufficient amount of themselves. I will say that Claire having kids has helped with this. When Garrett was born 11 years ago, I remember thinking there’s no way I could ever love another kid as much as I love him. Three years later Grant was born and I realized it was possible. Now we have Avery and I can’t remember what our lives were like before she entered the world 3 and ½ years ago. Even still, I prefer spending time with them one-on-one instead of all together. I like to be able to focus on one person at a time. That’s more of a personality trait, I guess. I want to give them my undivided attention, which basically boils down to this: when I’m with other people, I like all their attention to be on meJ It makes me feel important, like what I say matters to them. Of course, the rise of technology does not aid in this dilemma. Excuse me while I get on this soapbox again, but in this day and age, it’s not other people’s physical presence you have to worry about, but who’s on the other end of their phone or computer. It’s not uncommon to find two people hanging out in the same location, yet chatting with one friend on some form of instant chat on their computer and texting on their phone all while having a conversation with the person they’re with. Must we be this accessible? Are we that important? Maybe we like to feel that we are or we’re trying to get that age-old need of connecting with other people met. Yet, it seems to me that with all these new ways of connecting, we’re more disconnected than we’ve ever been. Our conversations are typically surface and superficial because they can be or because that’s all we have energy for when we’re talking to multiple people at the same time. So here’s my plea, people. The next time you’re in the same room with someone, put down your cell phone, close your laptop, and enjoy the person that’s in front of you. Is this too much to ask?

is it really time for resolutions again?

2010-12-30T19:11:00.006-06:00

Wow, it's been forever since I've been on here. As an avid writer, not putting down my thoughts on paper in some form is really not good for me. It's my source of processing through things to get to that point where things make some sense. I was looking over some of my posts from the last year, specifically this one. I certainly didn't do all these things like I had hoped, but some I was pretty dead-on. I spent as many Monday nights (that's our designated night) with my God-children that was possible and I paid off some debt. I wish I could say I paid it all off, but after looking through some things today, I think I've paid off between 5 and 6,000 dollars. As for the saving part, well, I was doing okay til Christmas rolled around. A big step of faith I took a week ago was quitting Starbucks. Although I will most definitely miss the extra income and awesome benefits, I realized that for my physical, mental, and emotional health, it was time to give it up. I'm looking forward to having a somewhat regular schedule which includes NOT waking up at 5am 4 to 5 days a week. I'm looking forward to saying YES! when one of my precious God-children ask if they can spend the night with Cece. I'm looking forward to attempting to getting into some type of exercise routine. I can't use 2 jobs and a crazy schedule as an excuse anymore. I'm looking forward to honing in on those God-given gifts he's bestowed on me for ministry, to rekindling that passion, and growing more into who He's created me to be next year. I really have no clue what's in store for 2011, but I'm open. I've spent this week doing as little as possible. I've slept a lot, I've spent time with loved ones, and I've tried to really listen. As a natural introvert it's not hard for me to spend time alone, but the sitting still and listening part takes some discipline. As I shared with a friend earlier in the week, I have a tendency to take care of every one else first and leave what little's left for myself. I just have to learn to balance or as Merriam-Webster defines it, to find "mental & emotional steadiness." I suppose if I had a resolution this year, that would be it.

Happy New Year!

humpty dumpty syndrome

2010-11-12T21:46:00.001-06:00

I’m currently sitting at a hotel in Dallas (a mighty cool one) on a Friday night in my pjs. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve been bored. It won’t last long…some friends will be here in the next couple of hours but for now I’m enjoying some time to just be. It’s been a crazy week, one of those weeks that I know will be beneficial for the rest of my life. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned about trust, forgiveness, love but on the other side of that I’ve also learned about mistrust, unforgiveness, and bitterness. What I’ve found to be the most interesting is the choice we have. We choose to feel the way we do. Sure there are times when obvious circumstances are going to cause us to feel a certain way (i.e. loss = sadness, etc.), but there are also those times when we naturally want to feel a certain way. Something doesn’t go our way, someone breaks our trust, someone hurts us…it’s easy to choose the anger, resentment, unforgiveness. I’ve been on both sides this week…the side where I was betrayed and the side where I betrayed. Now I can say from my stance as the betrayer it was in no way intentional. In fact, it almost killed me knowing that I hurt and disappointed someone I care so much about. I had to ask for forgiveness and trust that it would be granted. Now on the other side, I can’t say that the betrayal wasn’t intentional. I really don’t know. But what I do know is that as I was praying thru it I was overwhelmed with love and forgiveness. Now don’t get me wrong, my trust level has changed, just like it’s probably changed with the friend I hurt, unfortunately. What I’ve learned from all this is that more times than not in my life, I need to learn to hold my tongue. More times than I’d like to admit I’ve said things that were unkind and hurtful. There was no purpose behind those words other than a temporary feeling that maybe they deserved it. They don’t. We’re all messed up, broken people. It just transpires in different ways. I still struggle with insecurity, always trying to measure up to someone else. I struggle with taking risks because I fear failure. What I overheard over and over this week at the RightNow conference here in Dallas is how essential failing is. We don’t learn and we don’t grow if we don’t fail. And truth be told, the people who truly love me, love me just as I am and if I fall on my face, they’ll be the first to pick me back up. Too bad Humpty Dumpty didn’t have my friends….

beautiful things.

2010-10-19T14:38:00.001-05:00

After 10 years, I’m working through Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free” again. I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect this time around. I knew there were new struggles I’ve picked up along the way, as well as those old ones that still rear their ugly head from time to time. Going in, I had heard that week 4 was probably the hardest…uncovering generational sin and how that affects who we become. Although it was interesting to look back on my family line, it’s been week 5 that has proven the most challenging: binding up the broken-hearted from childhood victimization, betrayal, and loss. Now many of you know that I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse by a friend’s father. It wasn’t til college that I really started delving into the impact that it had on my self-esteem and my relationship with men. It was also the first time I really opened myself up to a community and allowed them to walk with me. What has transpired as I’ve been going through this week’s study is the repercussions that occurred from maybe opening up myself too much during this time period. I entered into an unhealthy relationship not long after I revealed this part of my past that left me broken and with new wounds. I felt betrayed and it’s this betrayal that I realize I have not let go of. I forgave a long time ago, but there’s been a bitterness harboring inside of me that has affected me in so many ways. Do I think this betrayal was intentional? Probably not. Do I think this person feels remorse for what happened? Yes. But regardless of his intentions, I idolized this person, to the point that if someone would’ve pointed out the connection between the unhealthiness of our relationship with the nature of my abuse, I wouldn’t have been able to see it. I trusted him…I loved him. Unfortunately what resulted was further heartbreak. Those steps toward healing and trust were essentially taken away from me. I don’t completely blame him for what happened. I was just as much a participant and I didn’t deter him from what our relationship turned into. At the time it was a source of comfort for me, just not the comfort I truly needed. I tell you all this because instead of risking becoming a captive in my own protective fortress, I’m risking letting all that hurt and bitterness go so I can truly experience freedom. I know I’m not alone on this journey. It’s easy to pretend like we are or to think that no one understands what we’re going through. I know that’s not the case. Time and time again, I tell my story to someone and immediately they share with me their own similar experience. The truth is, regardless of how devastating our stories are, it’s what shapes us negatively or positively. It’s my hope that my story will be used as a source of healing in someone else’s life. I leave you with these words from the band, Gungor:

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make me new, You are making me new

Latest book recommendations.

2010-10-06T20:05:00.005-05:00

Check these out! You won't be disappointed!

open.

2010-08-30T15:11:00.002-05:00

I shared this with our college Sunday School class yesterday.

"God can handle what you're thinking.
God can handle how you're feeling.
God can handle what you're saying.
Prayer, if it's anything, is truth.
It's being honest with your maker."

Does your life inspire?

2010-08-23T17:09:00.003-05:00

I’ve been thinking about this lately. Apparently I inspire people in random ways. For Jennifer, I inspired her to put down peel & stick tile in her bathroom and kitchen. Have I mentioned that my kitchen tiles are literally being held down by invisible packing tape at the moment? For Chris, it’s my random, so very easy therapeutic art projects using masking tape and paint. For Aaron, it was coming up with the name of his blog, Modern JAC. At the end of the day, is there anything else about my life that inspires others? I can’t really answer that question. I can only hope that the way I genuinely love the people in my life inspires. I pray that my attempt to be authentic in this blog inspires. Most of all, it’s my desire that my messy, unconventional, sometimes considered liberal, faith is what inspires people. As one of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott says, "There's always something ending and something beginning. Yet in the very center is the truth of your spiritual identity: you. Fabulous, hilarious, darling, screwed-up you. Beloved of God and of your truest deepest self, the self that is revealed when tears wash off the makeup and grime." I think even when we feel like our lives are upside down, we can inspire others. This morning I was talking to my friend, Dana and she mentioned that someone once told her that our pain has purpose, it’s not wasted. I certainly like to believe that in the midst of my pain I can still be inspiring to someone else who may be going through the same thing. In Pete Wilson’s book, “Plan B” he says, “Begin to trust and believe that maybe, just maybe, there is someone in your life who can and will speak those healing words, me too.” As I’ve mentioned before, getting to that place where I can even share my pain is hard, but to hear those words, “me too” brings about a calm in the midst of what feels like chaos. At least for me anyway. So thanks to so many of you who have offered up a “me too” when I needed it. You inspire me.

a word from Paramore.

2010-08-20T14:52:00.014-05:00

I’ve been stuck on this song by Paramore lately, not necessarily because I like it but because I find the lyrics so powerful and so true for many of us who have been hurt by “love” along the way. Love the video.

And I’ve always lived this way

Keeping a comfortable distance

And up until now I had sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

This has been my own personal motto most of my life I’m sad to say. I tend to keep people at arm’s length because I’ve bought into this idea that I’m going to end up hurt and alone. I choose relationships that I think are “safe” because I can predict the outcome. What I’ve learned, however, is that no relationship is really safe when your heart is invested. I’ve been meeting with a counselor for the last few months and she’s challenged me to look at my relationships from my childhood on to see where my fear of rejection and abandonment stem from. The obvious is always being the best friend, which eventually leads to me having to give up that friendship when he gets married or at least setting some pretty hard-core boundaries. I even had one of these guys tell me once that he wished he could find a girl like me. Um, what does that mean? It’s hard not to hear words like that and not ponder the age-old question, “What’s wrong with me?” Sixth grade was quite the formidable year. I had a couple of crushes that year…one kid flipped me off on the school bus, the other, well, we were both humiliated by our wonderful math teacher when she picked up a note I was writing to my still best-friend, Claire, and read it to the entire class! I think that’s a scar that’s yet to heal. It was years before I could look at that guy again without wanting to sink into the floor. My counselor was probably right in saying that no one else in that class probably remembers it, but I do. The truth is, we all have stories like this. It’s what makes songs like Paramore’s so popular. If you listen to the entire song, the chorus says “You are the only exception.” Eventually we do find someone who rises above the rest whether it be a good friend, a mentor, a parent, or hopefully one day, a spouse. I’m lucky in that I have great friends who don’t allow me to keep them at arm’s distance and when I attempt to push away, they push back. It’s not always easy and I still get hurt, but it’s always hurt can grow from.

Happy Anniversary Starbucks...again

2010-06-22T21:09:00.003-05:00

I recently celebrated my 4-year anniversary with Starbucks a couple of weeks ago. I just found this blog I wrote in honor of my 1st anniversary and thought I'd share.
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One year ago yesterday, I met Greg Melnyk, my first-ever Starbucks manager, along with Clay Mason and some other folks who no longer work for the company, for our first official training session. I was a little intimidated and uncertain of what my future with Starbucks would hold. A year later, I'm still with the company, only I'm in a new store in a different state. As I look back over the last year, a few things stick out. One, how quickly everyone in our store acclamated to one another when we opened the Nicholasville/New Circle store last July. When I left Lexington in December, only 6 months after my first day, I felt like I was leaving behind family. Two, I still love my job and although I have no clue how long I'll continue with the company, I'm excited to be a part of it. Three, when I visit other Starbucks when I'm traveling, I always check out the bathrooms...not for cleanliness per se but because I've seen some of the coolest bathrooms in Starbucks. Yes, I know this sounds weird:) Unfortunately, neither my old store in Lexington nor my new store in Ruston have cool bathrooms. Four, Greg told us during training that one day we would have this "Aha" moment when everything would just click. We would come to the point where we could make drinks and carry on a conversation without much thought and provide the legendary service Starbucks is known for. It's true...although I have no clue when my "Aha" moment occurred. And lastly, I've been at my new Starbucks for a couple of months now and although I still miss my Lexington family very much, the Ruston crew have welcomed me in and made me feel very much a part. I am grateful. I know I wouldn't love my job as much as I do if it weren't for the Starbucks partners.

My name is Petey-Pie.

2010-06-16T15:08:00.004-05:00

I knew my life had been insanely busy lately, but I didn't realize how busy til I remembered that I haven't blogged in almost a month! I mean, I know you have all been waiting with bated breath to read my next post:) Let's see, in the last month I've said goodbye to 3 good friends and got word this weekend that another kindred soul passed away. Ironically I was out of town when I got the news...running away from the reality of my sadness here in Ruston. Funny how I've yet to learn that you really can't escape. The last time I went out of town was for a girls weekend trip for my birthday back in March. It was then I learned Andy was moving to Lubbock. I've been joking with everyone that I'm not going out of town anymore, lest I get bidded with more bad news. I've got enough change on my plate to get me through the end of the year, thank you.

In other, more positive news, Avery turned 3. This is from her birthday swim party. The girl is obsessed with Monsters, Inc., especially "Boo" so I had to search cyberspace to find her this doll since that movie is several years old. She loved it, of course. I'm constantly amazed at the things she says. One day Pop (Claire's dad) was talking to her about something and in the midst of that said her name. She looked at him and said, "Pop, my name is Petey-Pie!" She has a lot of names, but apparently Pop's nickname is her favorite:)

Belonging.

2010-05-21T12:53:00.004-05:00

Lately I’ve been thinking about belonging. Personally, it’s been more of a struggle as I’ve wrestled with my own sense of where I belong. As a 33 single girl, my time fluctuates mostly between my married friends and my gay boyfriends. Although I love both groups dearly I often find myself feeling like I don’t fit. Sadly it’s even magnified in the church. As I recently had a conversation with 2 girls, younger than I, but who also fit into my so-called category, the church just doesn’t know what to do with us. Their first instinct is to start up another singles ministry. Typically what you find in these groups are older single/divorced/widowed people. I’m not really sure we fit there either. Truth be told this is a new place for me. In high-school, everyone’s on the same level. You hang out with the people in your class who are working for the same goal: to graduate and move on! College is a little different but you’re still working towards a similar goal. When I was in college I belonged to the Wesley Foundation. For the most part, everyone was single (aka not married) and we were always hanging out and learning what it meant to rely on one another as a community. In seminary, although more people were married, I was able to develop a group of friends that were a mix of married and single whom I adored. We were all working towards the goal of learning what it meant to be in ministry. I met my best guy friend there. He taught me a lot about trust and when I pulled away, he pushed. He was there when I was at my lowest and challenged me to keep walking even when it was painful. He didn’t expect me to be anyone but myself. For that I will always be eternally grateful but it took us a long time to get to that place. When we graduated, we both moved back to our hometowns. He got married and now has a beautiful baby girl. Although we are miles apart and only talk every few months, that bond is still strong. I knew when I moved back to Ruston, finding my place would be a struggle. It’s a college town filled with families. I am neither. I am thankful my family is here. I am thankful I can see my 3 beautiful God-children whenever I want, but at the end of the day I often wonder what my purpose is. I don’t say these things in an attempt to get sympathy. I know my life has purpose. I’m just being honest. And I know I’m not the only one who shares my frustration. Some days are easier than others. Yesterday was not one of those days. As I was sitting with one of my good friends and another guy I had just met, the new guy made a comment about “fag hags.” If you’re unfamiliar with this ridiculous term, it’s basically girls who spend the majority of their time with gay boys. As much as I don’t want to, I sort of fit into this category. Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade those guys for anything. They’re good friends but if you look more closely you’ll see my intent is not so healthy. It goes much deeper to my trust or “lack of” trust in men. This isn’t new, but I’ve come to realize how much I use those gay male friendships as a safety net. I get some of the same perks of engaging in a male/female relationship without having to deal with the unspoken attraction aspect that can often mess up a good friendship. We’re always on the same playing field, right? That’s yet to be determined, I suppose. I’m realizing some of my same issues still apply regardless of their sexuality, my need for affirmation being a primary one. These are all things I’ll be discussing with my therapist on Tuesday. What I’m learning is that we are always going to be struggling with something. How we handle those struggles is what counts. For me, I have to be really intentional to think through things rationally. I’m hoping returning to counseling will help with this. And I know a strong community is important. We can’t walk through life alone…it’s just not healthy. I am blessed to have some amazing friends, especially girls, both married and single, all over the US, that I can be completely honest. They are the ones that remind me that I do belong, I belong first to Him, my Heavenly Father and I belong to ALL those that are willing to journey with me regardless of what life stage we’re at. As the Wesley Foundation saying goes, “Your crap is our crap; your joy is our joy.”

More Merlot...

2010-05-19T11:34:00.002-05:00

I'm currently sitting at my desk in tears. To hear more about Merlot and the big shoes I must fill as her new owner, read here. But be warned, grab a kleenex...or 20. Love you Ross!

Meet Merlot.

2010-05-17T22:36:00.008-05:00

For those of you who may not have heard, I am now a dog owner. I inherited a beautiful 2-year-old girl from my friend Ross who will be moving to Belgium on the 29^th. Her name is Merlot! Although I was a little concerned about the transition, all in all it’s going well. She’s finally growing accustomed to her new home and new unfenced yard. Although she likes to explore, she always comes back when I call her. I love to watch her run and leap. I know that may sound strange but she looks like a gazelle! Recently I decided it was time for her to meet the rest of the family. Now the thing about Merlot is that she’s not real excited to meet new people. In fact, she’s a little skittish, but once you’ve won her over, she’s your friend for life. I like to think we're kindred spirits in that regard. She’s slowly warming up to my dad. Mom hasn’t spent enough time with her yet. As for these 2, I think they’re just tolerating her:)

Today I decided Merlot needed to go for a walk. Okay, okay, I needed to go for a walk. I decided that this week we would just start with a brisk 10-minute walk, next week we’ll bump it up to 15, etc. My bf, Don (yes in my world, he’s my bf), tells a story about when he was training for his big bike tour a few years ago. He met with a personal trainer and they started out slow, getting his heart rate up for 20 minutes, then building up momentum as the weeks went on. In fact, his trainer says that as long as you get in 20 good minutes of cardio, anything else is just bonus so it takes the pressure off of trying to have these long, intense workouts. I suppose that’s what I’m trying to do. The truth is I’ve been lethargic lately. Partly due to life and the impending goodbyes that will start this week and partly due to just feeling tired. It’s funny that everyone always says that in order to not feel so tired all the time, you should exercise. It’s a vicious cycle. I feel tired, therefore I just want to lie on my couch and not do that so-called exercise that will give me energy. I’m taking it day by day and today we were successful. Tomorrow’s a new day. Oh, and sorry to my neighbor whose yard Merlot pooped in.

Petition.

2010-05-11T15:53:00.004-05:00

This is from my friend, Chris' blog. As most of you know, I too, have been deeply impacted by the LA Tech Wesley Foundation. I would ask that you prayerfully consider giving. Thanks!

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As many of you know I have been an intern at the Wesley Foundation at LA Tech for the past year. I couldn't ask for a more amazing job and am blessed every day by the things I witness God doing. I love watching God move in the lives of college students. I have witnessed amazing and life transforming things though this ministry in my own life as well as the lives of students I meet.

One of those transforming ways is summer mission trips. The purpose of these trips is to expand the life perspective of college students so they can see outside of themselves and serve the needs of people in other places. We are called to love our neighbors and for us, that is anyone! This year we took on a lot and felt God was calling us to a large vision of the world by opening the doors for three international mission trips: Cambodia, Haiti, and China. Our teams leave in two weeks and we still have over $24,000 left to raise. I am asking you to consider donating $10-$20 towards these trips. I am also asking if you could email 10 of your friends, who may or may not know anything about the Wesley Foundation and asking them to consider partnering with us by donating $10-$20 as well. Thank you to those of you who have already contributed to my portion of the trip, if you would like to give more, GREAT! If not, please pass this on to friends.

Each one of our staff and team members are asking the same things of their friends and families. Each dollar is a dollar closer to 28 team members lives being transformed by serving, as well as the potential of the lives that we will come in contact with in China, Cambodia, and Haiti!

If you would like to give, please send a check to:

The Wesley Foundation
P.O. Box 3005
Ruston, LA 71272

or you can donate by using the PAYPAL option on our Facebook page. If you've got any questions, please, please, please call me anytime.

Much Love.

iderdider...

2010-05-10T14:52:00.001-05:00

My friend, Kari, is a gifted writer. I love reading her adventures with her kiddos. I especially enjoyed this one!

don't stand so close to me...

2010-04-28T14:52:00.004-05:00

A couple of weeks ago Andy asked the staff if we were at a place in our lives where we felt like we were ready to battle or if we needed to stay back and rest. After thinking about this for a few minutes, I concluded that I was coming out of a season of rest and God was preparing me to get into battle. Since then, I've felt like every time I get up to battle, I get smacked down. The last few weeks, maybe even months I've made some bad choices. I've made some good ones too, but the truth is that I feel like I've been losing myself. I've come face-to-face with this in the past few days, even more so when one of my best friends and I got into a heated argument where he told me I seemed different. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

Change is all around me. The next month will probably be one of the hardest in terms of who I'm going to have to say goodbye to and attempt to let go. My nature is and has always been to push away. That's a huge part of what our argument was about. When everything around me seems to be shifting, I have this tendency to isolote myself, throwing myself into full-force coping ON MY OWN mode. I know this isn't healthy for me or my relationships, but for whatever reason it feels safe to me. Lady Antebellum has a line in their recent hit "Need You Now" that says, "I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all." A friend and I had a conversation about this one night. I actually feel the exact opposite. I would prefer to feel nothing. Maybe because when I hurt, everything becomes real and I feel completely out of control.

Thank you to Beth Moore for these words...
"Although we may have something unhealthy deep inside of us, those in whom Christ dwells also have something deeper. Something whole. Something so infinitely healthy that if it would but invade the rest of us, we would be healed."

venus and mars.

2010-04-08T12:17:00.015-05:00

We're having a Beth Moore simulcast here at Trinity based on her newest book, So Long, Insecurity. The books came in this week and I decided to read as much as I could before the 24th. Of course, after reading the Table of Contents, my attention was drawn to Chapter 12: Through the Eyes of the Guys. She surveys 150 men on their insecurities, as well as how they view insecurity in women. The same day I picked this book up, I see Don Miller has written a blog entitled "What Women Really Need From Men" followed by "What Men Really Need From Women." Interesting. Based off these two outlooks, I've decided to do a little comparative analysis. Take it for what it's worth:)

According to Beth, men and women aren't all that different in our insecurities. We all worry about being desirable to the opposite sex and we all want to be loved, however the #1 insecurity for men is fear of failure. Both Beth & Don talk about how fathers make a significant impact on this. If they don't have a strong male role-model (preferably their dad) encouraging them, they spend the majority of their life trying to get it elsewhere. Typically when men feel insecure, they withdraw. Women, on the other hand, cling. Men prefer not to admit they're feeling insecure, while we women pester men to death to help us feel less insecure, yes? For women it's no surprise that men notice our #1 insecurity to be our appearance. We buy into this idea that we need to look a certain way when in reality, guys aren't necessarily looking for that type of beauty. Other insecurities men see in women include irrational jealousies, full-blown emotional episodes, an obsession with what people think, and an insatiable need for affirmation. Sigh... I wish I could say they were wrong but alas, I struggle with all of these, sometimes all at the same time! Men prefer their women confident, not for their sakes but for ours because let's face it, when we're struggling with insecurity, we feel miserable.

According to Don, what women are looking for in men is confidence, strenghth, and mystery. He suggests that guys should first work on themselves, find their passions, and invite us into their adventure. Basically, have a life outside of us. Ironically, his blog on what men are looking for is longer (go figure). What a guy needs is a strong, confident woman. Hmmm...sounds very similar to what we're looking for, yes? Beauty is an important factor but not in terms of what's deemed as beautiful by society. Beauty comes in the form of taking care of yourself but not to the point that you come across as desperate. The truth is, ladies, we're all beautiful in our own unique way. I say this to myself as much as I'm saying it to you. Beth mentions in her book that one thing men have noticed is how we as women tend to compare ourselves to one another. I say this all the time. When I get dressed to go somewhere, I'm dressing for either a) my gay boyfriends or b) my girlfriends. They're the ones that are truly going to notice. Now I'm sure guys aren't completely oblivious, but in truth, we as women do typically compare ourselves to other women. Don also says that men want women who respect them, who have a vision for life, and who are choosy. I really appreciate the last one because as a woman in my early 30's it's hard when people question why I'm not married. The truth is I never want to settle. I think being choosy can come across as being snotty. That's certainly not the case. As myself and most of my single girlfriends agree, I would rather be single than than in an unhappy marriage. I'm sure I could've been married right out of college like many of my friends (most of which are still happily married, by the way), but in order for that to have happened, I would've married someone for all the wrong reasons. I'm speaking for myself here, but I think if we surveyed women, they too would want a man who's respectful, has a vision for life, especially that involves both of us, and is choosy.

Today I watched an interview with Don where he talked a lot about relationships and his singleness. He's reached a point at 38 where he's content with his life, not that he doesn't desire to be married and have a family. He's focusing on his own story and becoming content with who he is before inviting someone else to join in on his adventure. He mentioned in the interview that he's come to a place where he feels like he can sacrificially love others in his life without expecting anything in return.

What I've gleaned from both authors is that despite our insecurities and what we may be looking for from each other, we can't be the "be-all and end-all" for the opposite sex. We can't seek all our fulfillment from one another. Sure we can partially, but only God can love us perfectly and completely because we are imperfect and have a hard enough time loving ourselves completely, much less one another. The best we can do is strive for Don's mindset of loving the best we can without expecting anything in return.

one word.

2010-04-07T15:27:00.007-05:00

Happy.
Anxious.
Confused.
Sad.
Disappointed.
Content.
Loved.
Uncertain.
Creative.
Annoyed.
Nervous.

This sums up all the emotions I've felt since the last time I wrote. And this is the girl who makes me smile the most.

trust.

2010-03-25T23:07:00.004-05:00

Have you ever wondered at what age we truly start to understand the meaning of trust? I wonder if it's the first time that trust is broken. Yesterday and today I took a walk at Cook Park. I noticed that as I would pass a child on his bike or a little boy playing on the equipment, they would look up at me and say hi. One little one even blew me a kiss this afternoon! As adults we're typically not that quick to acknowledge someone we don't know as we pass by. In fact, cultural norm seems to be to look down and not make eye contact. Why is this? I mean, I do it too. I attribute it to my shyness. Even as a kid I think I was the one who would cling to my mom or dad's legs when anyone tried to talk to me. Then again, I do remember writing lines in kindergarten many days during recess for talking too much in class. As we get older, we go through circumstances that cause us to put up walls of protection as an attempt to hedge our hearts from more unnecessary pain. We enter into relationships automatically assuming that we're going to get hurt. In truth, at some point we will get hurt. We're human and although it's not intentional, we do at times hurt the people we love causing us to take a step back from that trust we worked so hard to build. I guess I just wish sometimes we could go back to the playground days...you know, when boys told you that you were ugly because deep down they really liked you. Oh wait, I guess life was confusing back then too:)

to know & to be known.

2010-03-21T21:39:00.002-05:00

As we’ve been collecting devotionals for the upcoming ineed2change.org series, I’ve been amazed at the different stories we’ve read. Stories of healing, hope, reconciliation, redemption. The truth is we all want to be known, however, the risk that goes along with that is often a little scary so we look for less intimidating outlets to share our stories, whether it be social networking such as Facebook and Twitter or our personal blogs. For me personally, I’ve always found writing to be the best outlet for processing my thoughts. I’ve written many a letter to friends pouring out my heart. Marcie Wright probably has a collection from my post-college days. With the rise of text messaging and social networking, the question that continues to be asked is whether or not we’re creating community or inhibiting it? As a 30-something I feel as though I straddle the line a bit. I grew up in a time when cell phones and internet were non-existent. I spent many an hour talking on the telephone that was connected to my bedroom wall and writing notes to friends in class. The only time I ever typed anything was in typing class. Now, I too, am on the social networking bandwagon. I send and receive up to 100 texts a day, check my Facebook religiously, and occasionally share thoughts on my blog as I’m currently doing right now. But the truth is, if given the option I would much rather have a face-to-face conversation with the significant people in my life. In fact, if you’ve known me for any length of time, one of my pet peeves is when people are constantly on their phones when they’re with me. This isn’t the case all the time and I’ve certainly been guilty of it myself, but I tend to think when you’re in someone else’s company you should be fully engaged with that person. But I digress. Regardless of how we communicate, the objective is always the same, to be known by someone, to be assured that we’re not alone in whatever state we may currently be in whether it be sadness, loneliness, fear, or anxiety, to know that we matter to someone else. This is what makes life worthwhile and those hard times in life a little more bearable.

Happy Birthday!

2010-03-19T10:31:00.008-05:00

Matt and I met in seminary. I can't remember the exact said meeting, but my first significant memory of him was my second birthday in KY. Some friends and I had decided to go see the Indigo Girls, one of my favorite girl bands of all time, at UK. At the last minute, one of the girls had to back out. Did I mention that this was an all-girls outing? Somehow Matt got wind that we had an extra ticket and jumped at the chance to go! During the concert, I look over and Matt is on his feet, hands in the air, eyes closed, full-out swaying to the melodic tunes of the Indigo Girls. It was at this moment that I knew we would be friends for life! A few months later, he and I teamed up to throw a going-away party for our good friends, Becca and Toby. It's on this date that we declare our Friendiversary, July 4th. Since that particular day, Matt and I have been a constant part of each other's lives. We've laughed together, we've cried together, we've sang Amy Grant together...oh wait, I would never. I've listened to him sing Amy Grant (loudly) as we've driven with the windows down through our favorite KY roads. We've created our own language (name yet to be determined). If you hear it, you would think we're ridiculous, but we find it amusing. My favorite thing about Matt is his ability to process. This comes out best in his writing. I mentioned his blog at the beginning of Lent. He recently moved to Nashville to pursue his passion of writing. I have no doubt we'll see great things from him. I think seminary was formative for both of us in becoming who God was truly calling us to be. The road was not easy but we did it together and for that I am thankful. Happy Birthday, Matty....I love you!

**The above photo was taken at my 29th birthday party. We call it our "geriatric prom" photo:)

a few good men.

2010-03-16T16:40:00.000-05:00

March is proving to be a hard month, yet again. On Sunday I received two pieces of news that left me feeling empty. One, KD Kilpatrick passed away after battling cancer for a very short time. Two, Andy Hurst, my pastor and friend is moving back to Lubbock in June to be the Senior Pastor at a UMC church there. Have I mentioned I’m not a fan of change?? Although in both instances there are some positive points. KD didn’t suffer and is now dancing in Heaven; Andy’s going back home to family. Of course in both cases, family is being left behind. I wish I could say I’m in the accepting stage of grief. I’m not. Truthfully, I’m heartbroken. As much as I hate to admit it, I feel lost.

I met KD last year during a building campaign. You can’t be in the same room with him without feeling warmth. His eyes twinkle when he smiles and he makes you feel like you’ve been friends for years. Any chance I had to talk to him, I took it. He loved his wife, his family, and our church. He was a kidder. He loved to crack jokes and tell stories. He’s the leader that you want on your side because when he believes in you, you can’t help but strive to do your very best. I have no doubt that hundreds will be here tomorrow to say their goodbyes to this beloved man.

I met Andy when I was a senior in high-school. At the time he was the Director of the LA Tech Wesley Foundation. As I was nearing the end of my high-school career and preparing to start my collegiate journey at Tech, my friend and soon to be college roommate, decided to check Wesley out so we could start meeting people. Andy was instrumental in that even though he ended up moving to Lubbock before I started college to be the Director of the Texas Tech Wesley Foundation. He didn’t stay away long though. He came back to Ruston to be the Associate Pastor at Trinity and to be the lead preaching pastor at our contemporary service. We were excited to get him back. During that time he became a counselor, an encourager, and a friend. He stayed connected to my life while I was away at seminary and when I moved back to Ruston 3 years ago, he was the one that pushed to bring me on staff here at Trinity when I wasn’t even certain this was where I needed to be. He’s challenged me, loved me, prayed over me, and been a constant source of God’s grace in my life. He’s one of the most selfless men I’ve ever met. He knows Scripture like the back of his hand. He loves unconditionally. He puts his family first but we take a close second. He is the epitome of what a good pastor should look like. I can’t imagine my life or this church without him. The next couple of months will prove to be a rollercoaster of emotions as we attempt to prepare him well and send him forth to his next church family. Many tears have been shed and I’m sure many more are to come.

I need to change...

2010-03-08T14:38:00.001-06:00

I don’t adapt well to change. Even change that’s intended for good can be a little draining to me. I get comfortable with how things are. Now don’t get me wrong, I know change can be good and is necessary, but in the midst of it I find myself longing for the familiar. I’ve been thinking about this a lot as one friend recently moved and two others are graduating and moving on very soon. I can still remember the last day of my internship at the Wesley Foundation, saying goodbye to one of my fellow interns, closest friends, and accountability partners. We were standing in front of Scott’s office literally weeping and one of the students was taking pictures! I can only imagine how those turned out! Little did I know that this friend and I would be reunited a few years later at seminary. I get so accustomed to seeing/talking to the same people everyday and when that’s gone, there’s a void there. I know that in time that that void will be filled with someone else and although that particular friend will still hold a place in my heart, that desire to talk to them everyday will slowly fade making those times when you do talk all the more precious.

After Easter we are starting a new series in the Refuge called “ineed2change.org: 40 Days of Change”. We’re working on a devotional booklet where people are reflecting on how God has brought about change in their lives. Obviously this is good change, but I have a feeling as we start reading these, that a lot of that change will have some pain tied to it somewhere. As much as we desire God to change us, it usually requires us to give up something we’ve been holding on to. It requires us to move out of the way to allow God to do something incredible. It requires us to give up control and trust that God’s ways are so much better than our own. God’s been changing me for…well, forever, I suppose but even more so in the last year. It has required me to let other people in when I’ve wanted to deal with things on my own. I’ve had to put down my pride and see that sometimes what may seem like a painful step can bring us one step closer to healing...to redemption.

finding redemption.

2010-02-22T10:45:00.005-06:00

2010 has already proven to kick me in my tail and it’s only February but alas, I’m beginning to see light again. My friend, Cathy, always talks about wholistic living, how our physical, emotional, and spiritual selves are all intertwined. If you’re flailing in one, there’s a good chance the other two will be affected in some way. I couldn’t agree more. I started out this year with good intentions or goals as I stated in my first blog post. Although I certainly don’t think goals and aspirations are a bad thing, I think it can at times put too much pressure on us. What if we don’t reach them? What if I (heaven forbid) fail? Well, if I’m being honest, I’ve definitely failed. In fact, I pretty much fell flat on my face. However, what I’ve learned time and time again is that when I fall on my face, redemption follows. Sometimes redemption isn’t glamorous. It can come in the form of a hug from a friend, another friend empathizing with what you’re going through, a complementary water at Sonic just because they wanted to brighten your day, a cool breeze on a clear day, holding hands, balloons on your birthday, laughing at absolutely nothing, a phone call just because someone was thinking about you, a blanket of snow, road trips, a smile from my special girl. This list goes on and on. So, I’ve decided that although goals are a good thing to strive for, I need to look at life one day at a time. I’m sure we’ve all heard this before. I mean, Jesus even talks about it in Scripture. “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

A lot of my friends have decided that instead of giving something up for Lent, they’re going to add an element that has maybe been lacking and will further enrich their lives. My fabulous friend, Matt has decided to blog more during the next 40 days. I encourage you to check it out. He’s a fantastic writer that will leave you laughing and inspired. Another friend is writing a one paragraph reflection on what he’s reading for that day. I can’t say I’ve come up with any extraordinary thing to give up or add this Lenten season other than to find some space each day to listen. Today it was pilates. I have no idea what it will be tomorrow, but then again, I have tomorrow to figure that out:) I am starting a new book this week, “Picking Dandelions” by Sarah Cunningham. My friend, Susan that wrote “Angry Conversations with God” recommended it so I know it must be good. Stay tuned for a review.

Happy Lent everyone!

Rediscover You.

2010-02-08T09:43:00.002-06:00

My latest prayer. Thanks Starfield.

I need to just admit
My faith is paper thin
I'm feeling so burned out
On religion

I say an empty prayer
I sing a tired song
I need to just admit that the passion's gone

And I want to get it back

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move
Help me rediscover You

I want to learn to pray
The way that David prayed
I want my soul to burn when I hear Your name
I want to feel like new
I want to hunger for you
Bring me back to life like only You can do
Cause I don't want to stay the same

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move
Help me rediscover You

Lord, I want to be Yours today
I want to know the passion of the saints
And how they were changed

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move

I want to burn for You
Bring me back to life, Jesus
Help me rediscover You

a new year....

2010-01-07T17:28:00.005-06:00

I've been contemplating what my first post of the year should be. I've thought about the friends I've lost in the last year, some through tragedy, others through circumstances beyond our control. I've thought about the new friends that have been brought into my life that I now can't imagine living without. I've thought about how faithful God continues to be in providing when I didn't think he was even listening to the cries of my heart. I'm not big on resolutions. I know myself well enough to know that they just don't work for me, then I end up feeling like a failure. Funny how I'm such an advocate of extending grace to those around me, but not so much to myself. I have set some goals, in no particular order:

*spend time with my God-children at least once a week
*read one book a month
*read my Bible daily
*be honest with the people I'm closest to about how I'm really doing
*blog more
*love more
*trust more
*pay off debt
*save more
*give more
*eat better
*work out regularly
*stay connected to far-away friends
...you get the idea.

I think goals are important so we know what it is we're working towards. I won't always do all these things listed here, but I'm certainly going to try. As Don Miller talks about in his latest book, I want to live out a meaningful story, not just a series of meaningless events. I don't know exactly what that looks like but I'm looking forward to figuring it out in 2010.

Happy New Year!

take 2.

2009-12-29T11:02:00.004-06:00

We tried again with moderate success. Can you guess which one's my favorite and would've been on MY Christmas card had we taken these before Christmas Eve? :)

a christmas to remember.

2009-12-22T12:35:00.004-06:00

One sick child.

One chilly night.

One decent picture.

Merry Christmas from the Smith kiddos!

you don't want to miss this.

2009-12-14T15:32:00.005-06:00

My friend, Rob has started a Flickr album called 365: a year's worth of self-portraits... I decided everyone should follow it. If you love creative, fun photography, it will not disappoint. Not to mention that he's not bad to look at:) I met Rob back in seminary and we became fast friends. I think it was our love of G-Love and Vanilla Ice that bonded us together. Since seminary he's traveled all over the world...he's a bit of a nomad and quite adventurous. He's by far one of my most favorite people in this world.

Check out his photos here.

from my home to yours.

2009-12-13T12:17:00.004-06:00

Merry Christmas!

lighting project.

2009-12-10T15:40:00.004-06:00

I realized while perusing earlier blog posts that I never posted pics from my latest lighting project! I LOVE them! Special thanks to IKEA and my friend, Matthew:) The first 2 are in my kitchen and the third one is in my living room, although if you've ever been to my apartment, it's essentially one large room.

my personal Christmas song.

2009-12-08T16:25:00.001-06:00

Man of Faith.

2009-12-07T11:23:00.002-06:00

I'm not sure how many of you have heard of Matt Chandler or his recent news. He's the lead teaching pastor at the Village Church in Dallas, TX...a phenomal one at that. I got the priviledge of hearing him speak at 2 conferences this fall. He's bold, he's honest, he's funny, but most importantly he stands on the truth and faith that comes from his relationship with Christ. He found out on Thanksgiving Day that he had a brain tumor that needed to be removed immediately. This is the video he made for his church pre-surgery. I'm happy to say that the surgery went well. Although he's still recovering and they're still waiting on the pathology report, he's doing exceptionally well. I hope this video blesses and convicts you as it did me.

Video from Matt

What do you do while waiting on Grammy to finish Thanksgiving dinner?

2009-12-03T15:48:00.003-06:00

Jump on the air-mattress, of course!

I choose to support people, not corporations.

2009-12-02T15:54:00.006-06:00

In the past few weeks I've been a little more conscious of the types of things I purchase. Although I'm certainly not boycotting corporations (I work at Starbucks for goodness sake), I have been trying to look outside the box a bit. I decided I would share with you some of my recent purchases. First, my 2010 dayplanner courtesy of Etsy. If you've never shopped Etsy, I encourage you to take a look. For the most part it's reasonably priced and the things you find there are one-of-a-kind. My friend, Corrie, is the one that introduced me. She sells amazing jewelry among other things, all made from things she just finds or picks up along the way. I decided I would check Etsy to see if anyone made planners and this is what I got! This came from Kari. I don't know her personally but I would definitely recommend her for journals, planners, or address books!

My second purchase came from here. They are nylon bags shaped just like the plastic bags you would find at your local supermarket, only they're a little bigger and stronger! Mine don't look exactly like these. I actually caught some on sale that have retro food and recipe designs on them. I love them! They came in the little pouch you see on the right so you can just roll them up and throw them in your purse or car PLUS they're environmentally friendly!

Lastly, I decided this year I would do something a little different for my Godsons this Christmas. I decided to buy them a pair of these. I've actually been wearing Toms for a couple of years now. I have 2 pairs and 9 times out of 10, that's what you'll see on my feet. If you don't know the story behind Toms, for every pair you purchase, they donate a pair to a child in need. This year we are taking part in Advent Conspiracy at Trinity. We are challenging everyone to spend 1/3 to 1/2 less this Christmas and donate the rest to one of the many ministries we support as a church. When I started thinking about this, I wanted to come up with a way to participate but also to educate my Godchildren in particular on why this is important. I have no clue how they'll respond but my hope is that they will be excited to know that not only did Cece buy them a pair of shoes, but that 2 needy children are also receiving shoes this Christmas.

The day I reverted back to adolescence.

2009-11-17T13:24:00.008-06:00

For those of you who know me probably also know that I'm a tad obsessed with Don Miller. So as not to scare anyone, it's not like a stalker obsession. Okay, I follow him on Twitter...and Facebook....and read his blog, but he publishes that for everyone so the fact that he's so accessible is his fault:) Anyway, I got the honor of meeting him a few years ago in Nashville. I don't really remember much about the day except that my friends Meredith, Mindy, and Jason were with me and I was of course, nervous. He signed one of my many books, took a picture with me, and that was it. I don't recall it being awkward or weird and I remember him being genuinely nice. When I found out he was going back on tour with his latest book, "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years," I knew I had to see him again. I started looking at the tour dates. The closest he was coming was Tyler, TX. That could work. Then one day I got something in the mail from LeadNow, a group that hosts a conference for 20's and 30-somethings in Dallas. I knew that Don was speaking at the conference, but since I had just returned from Catalyst and I'm trying to be a good steward of my budget, I had decided to pass on it. However, when I looked closer I realized that they were offering a special price of $20 to attend the last part of the conference which coincidentally included Don Miller! I immediately text my friend, Jenn and told her we were going! Also at this conference were other amazing speakers/authors: Francis Chan, Kay Warren, Matt Chandler, and Susan Isaacs! You may remember me talking about Susan. She's the one that wrote "Angry Conversations with God" and she was doing a seminar on writing your spiritual memoir. Now before this, she and I had become friends on Twitter. I was amazed that when I would comment to her she would respond! Now I was getting the opportunity to see her face-to-face and hear what went into writing her own spiritual memoir. Her seminar was right before Don was speaking so afterwards I bolted out, disappointed I didn't get to meet her, but determined not to miss a second of Don. I decided to send her a quick tweet and tell her I had been there and say I was sorry we couldn't meet. After Don spoke on Romeo & Juliet and the theological implications that are found in this story (that's a whole other blog post), we got ready to leave. Since I was driving back that night I had actually resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't have time to meet him. I did have his and Susan's book in my bag just in case. When we went out to the main area, we immediately noticed that there wasn't much of a line to meet him and yet, I hesitated. Jenn, being the good friend that she is, pushed me in that direction and told me to go for it. And here's where my adolescence kicks in. I've been a fan of Don Miller to the point that I think he could be my soul mate for oh, 6 years. I'd met him once before but I was so stinkin' overwhelmed and intimidated. When it was my turn I introduced myself, he signed my book, thanked me for coming, and that was it. I just stood there like a mute. Defeated I went to find my friends. In the meantime, I decided to check Twitter and lo and behold Susan had messaged me that she would be at her book table afterwards and to come find her...so I did! This was a much easier exchange. We hugged like old friends and chatted about her book for a few minutes. I told her I would see her in Tyler since I had to redeem my Don Miller encounter, plus I knew that they would both be talking about their books there.

So, on Wednesday, my friend, Matthew and I left Ruston around 3:30 and headed to Tyler. We got there at 6:30, found great seats, and waited for it to begin. Susan was first. She did a one-act play based on her book. It was hilarious! Even though I had read her book, I still laughed quite a bit. I swear that woman is a kindred spirit! Her journey to reconnect with the true God, not the one churches, other Christians, and our own life experiences have created, reminds me so much of my own. I can't recommend her book enough! Afterwards I got to see her again and actually got a picture this time:)
We went back in to hear Don and I mentally prepared myself to meet him afterwards. Surely this time would be different, right? I listened to him recount stories from his book and talk about our stories and how we are called to live out great stories, not just sit by and watch as bystanders. I was inspired yet again and so, it was time to go meet him. Earlier in the evening we were invited to partner with Don in his own organization, The Mentoring Project, as well as World Vision and sponsor a child. As one who grew up without his dad, Don has a heart for boys who grow up fatherless and the negative effects that can have. I was excited to sponsor a little Brazilian boy who has my birthday! In return I got a free copy of Don's book which of course, I already had but gave to Matthew AND a VIP pass to meet Don before he did his regular book-signing. There were probably 25 of us who were taken to a special room. Again, I'm scouring my brain for things to say to him this time since I flaked days earlier. Nope, I'm sad to say the ending was pretty similar to the first. I said little but I did get this lovely picture.
Yep, poor Don looks drugged. I couldn't help but laugh when I looked at this later. We have this idea of how things are going to happen and then those expectations are typically shattered. Don mentions in his book that the Danes are the happiest people in the world. Why? Because they have very low expectations. I'm beginning to think this may not be a bad principle to live by, then we can live life pleasantly surprised! I will say all in all, I had no idea that when I picked up Susan's book back in August, that I would befriend her on Twitter and Facebook and get to meet her. That was definitely a wonderful surprise! Thank you, Don Miller, for introducing me to such a phenomenal author and mentor.

They only have 4 shows left so if you live in Greenville, Birmingham, Nashville, or Chatanooga try to go out and see them! Don will also be at Youth Specialties in Atlanta this month.

Boot Camp: Not for the faint of heart...or BODY.

2009-11-05T11:47:00.010-06:00

I'm not sure how it happened really. One day, my co-worker, Kim is in one of our offices talking about Tommy Gallagher from Ruston Body Works using our gym for his boot camps and then a few days later I'm observing one of his sessions. I somehow agreed to pay money to put my body through an hour of grueling punishment 3 afternoons a week. I've heard other people talking about boot camp and my first thought was always, "You're insane. Why would you do that?" And yet, here I am with 4 workouts under my belt. And no, this is not MY class in this photo. I've threatened Tommy (aka: the fitness nazi) that if he wanted to keep his camera in proper working order, he better not show up to class with it! The number one question I continue to get is, "Is it fun?" I laugh every time because I think it's such a bizarre question. I've never enjoyed working out, so putting fun with boot camp is such an oxmoron in my opinion. I will say that the people in my class are fun and the more we meet together I realize that we're forming a special bond that keeps us moving forward each day. Boot camp is hard as hell (excuse the harshness). I'm pouring sweat within the first 5 minutes and each day I wonder if I can make it the full hour, especially when we do a lot of cardio. My body has hurt in places I never knew it could hurt. Kim jokes that she now needs to go to rehab from the amount of Advil she's taken in the last week. All in all though, I do feel better. I'm making conscious decisions about what I eat and am trying to eat smaller portions of those foods I do enjoy. It really is a life-style change and as much as I'm in this to shed a few (okay more than a few) pounds, I'm in it for the emotional and physical well-being that it brings. We only have 2 more weeks of this session. Kim and I may do it one more time and then we're talking about trying something different but staying on that schedule of devoting 4pm MWF as our work-out time. We'll see what other "fun" things we can get into:)

another comparison...

2009-10-27T12:34:00.004-05:00

She wasn't quite as excited to measure herself this year but I do love the crossed legs:)

It's beginning to look a lot like...FALL!

2009-10-26T10:56:00.014-05:00

Yesterday in church we sang "Shout to the Lord." I was in college when I first heard that song so it's obviously a little dated but without fail, I always get choked up when we sing this line, "Mountains bow down and the seas will roar at the sound of Your Name." I get this vivid mental image of this and it seriously gives me goose bumps. I realize not all my readers get this. I have a few friends who don't share my Heavenly allegiance, so they probably think I'm crazy about now, but I guess unless you've experienced Jesus Christ firsthand, you just don't get it.

We had a small break in the rain here in LA for the weekend...it's starting back today so Lora, I don't know when you're returning from Erie but hopefully Henry gave you some sunshine:) We made our annual trip to the pumpkin patch. I decided to do a comparison of Avery from the past 3 years:) I'll add more soon!

One last thing: you must read my friend, Matt's latest entry! I've been laughing my hoo-hah off!

my therapy.

2009-10-22T12:46:00.006-05:00

Does anyone remember Fresh Ink cards that Hallmark used to put out? They were my absolute favorite! When I lived in KY and I was having a rough day I would run down to Hallmark and literally spend hours reading these cards and too much money purchasing them for friends. I thought about this a few days ago when I was at our local Hallmark looking for a couple of cards for different friends. It wasn't therapeutic at all. In fact, it was kind of frustrating with the poor selection in the midst of hundreds of cards on the shelves. I need a card that's not only funny but a little quirky. I need a card that when the recipient reads it, they're getting a piece of me. Sadly I feel defeated in this area and sad that I didn't stock up even more on these amazing cards. If I end up turning to something destructive for therapy, I will be calling Hallmark for help with rehab! Here are a few things that still work in the meantime! Do we see a trend?:)

October is my favorite month...

2009-10-17T20:31:00.008-05:00

I love October. I don't know why exactly but it's always been my favorite month just like Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. I guess because Fall is my favorite season. I was talking to my cousin, Bob about it last night. He lives in CA and was commenting on how cold it is in LA right now. The weather is perfect...almost. What would make it complete would be bright reds, yellows, and oranges filling the trees, but alas, we live in the land of pine trees. I'm waiting for the Bradford Pears behind my bank to turn. They were gorgeous last year! Last week I traveled to Houston to visit friends and to see U2!!!! It was quite the experience! We had general admission tickets so we got to the stadium at 1:30pm and waited until 5:00pm for the doors to open. Did I mention it was sunny and 90 degrees??!! Yep, we definitely live in the South! Thankfully some nice people let us sit under their tent til 3:30 when we were told that we needed to put up all tents and umbrellas (we were using umbrellas as sun-blockers!). The last 2 hours were definitely the most miserable. Once we got inside, however, we scored great spots...second row behind the wrap-around stage that the band periodically walked out on. It was amazing to see Bono so close! I must admit though...by the time it was over I wanted to cut my feet off and my entire body ached. What I used to endure in my teens is not as easy in my 30's:) But I wouldn't trade it for anything...especially spending time with these girls!

Things I learned this week (some serious, some silly).

2009-10-12T15:23:00.010-05:00

~ God is not someone who has been invited to play a part in our story. Instead, we have been privileged to play a part in His.
~ It’s painful to obey. The Lord will direct us to do some things that won’t be our choice. Invariably we will give up what we want to do for the cross.
~ Focused intensity over time multiplied by God creates unstoppable momentum.
~ Faith & doubt are intertwined...like a dance.
~ All God calls us to be is ourselves so why do we get caught up in the “bigger is better” mentality?
~ We don’t need to get so caught up in what we’re building that we lose sight of who we’re becoming.
~ Confession and repentance are necessary for our spiritual health.
~ Laughter truly is one of the greatest feelings ever.
~ There are friends in this world who just “get” us like no other.
~ It’s never easy to say goodbye but it makes the
time spent together that much more precious.
~ Be careful who you start conversations with while waiting in line to get into a concert…you never know what it might lead to.
~ Running UP an escalator that is intended to go DOWN is just not a good idea.
~ Kings of Leon puts on a great show…just make sure the person you’re with knows where he’s going.

Will there be roadsigns in Heaven?

2009-10-07T19:11:00.004-05:00

My first night in Atlanta has been quite adventurous. I got in about 3pm which was amazing because I beat the 5pm traffic. Even at 3, it was still a little crazy. I don't mind driving in big cities...in fact I really enjoy it...when I know WHERE I AM. After spending a year in Chicago, I rarely got lost and if I got turned around I could quickly get back on track. Now by nature I'm directionally-challenged. My first summer with CSM, I was always the first host to get lost but thankfully I worked with groups that were gracious and we always found our way...eventually. So tonight I decided to venture out for some take-out, watch a little tv, and go to bed fairly early since I have another early morning tomorrow. At 6pm I head out into the crazy traffic on a hunt for food. I didn't necessarily want something I could get in Ruston so I was willing to search. However, after about half an hour I decided to turn around and head back to the mall that's directly across from my hotel. There's all kinds of eateries over there. As I was driving back I realized I wasn't recognizing street names so I pulled my phone back out to check my map and lo and behold I've somehow gone off-course. I finally made it back about 7:30 and ended up at a local sushi place. If you're wondering what's in the photo, it's egg sushi:) It was really cheap and I was really just curious so I ordered it along with my rainbow roll. It's basically just cooked egg attached to a ball of rice with a piece of seaweed. Needless to say, I didn't eat it but I did laugh really hard when I opened the container:)

My favorite thing about Mondays...

2009-10-06T12:52:00.004-05:00

Why a couch??

2009-10-05T11:35:00.004-05:00

So I've modified my blog (yet, again). I get bored easily if you didn't already know that about me. I change my apartment up every few months. The most recent is my bathroom. I bought all new accessories (tootbrush holder, soap dispenser, etc.). I love it! It's much more uniform and truthfully, I've been using the same stuff from when I lived in Lexington so I thought it was about time. Next on the list, kitchen lighting to be purchased next week from IKEA! If you've seen my kitchen lighting, you'll wonder how I've tolerated it for the last year and a half:)

Back to my blog design. Recently I've been reading about couches. Sound strange? Well, the 2 books I've been reading, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years and Angry Conversations with God both reference the couch. Don Miller talks about getting off the couch and participating in our own story instead of watching everyone else's and Susan Isaacs talks about getting God on the couch for couple's counseling. When Don's book came in a couple of weeks ago, it halted my progress on Susan's book but as promised earlier, I still intend to update you as I read it. Ironically, these two are currently on tour together and I will be seeing them in November! I am so excited! I will have Susan's book finished by then! Anyway, I chose this blog design because one, I just thought it was cool, and two, it sort of represents where I am right now....right in-between Don & Susan's couch metaphors! More on this later...

This week I'm headed to my favorite conference ever...Catalyst! I'm always amazed at the work the Catalyst team puts into hosting this event every year! Although it's definitely geared toward pastors and those of us plugging away in ministry, it's designed to be a leadership conference so the key speakers will be well-respected men and women that speak on organizational leadership, personal leadership, integrity, character, relationships, and teamwork. I'll also get to see one of my favorite people ever while I'm in Atlanta so that's another perk! I get back on Saturday, then turn around Tuesday and drive to Houston to see U2 with 2 more of my favorite people! It's going to be a great month!

If my life we're a musical...

2009-09-24T10:54:00.007-05:00

I've often pondered this. In fact, I think I've had a few conversations with different friends about it. Often when you're watching a musical, it's natural for someone to burst into song. My favorite is when others join in and just happen to know all the same dance moves...yet it's supposed to be spontaneous. My latest obsession is the new tv show on Fox, GLEE!!! If you haven't seen it, you need to! It's about a group of highschool students, mainly misfits, who love to sing. Naturally, the glee club is not seen as cool at all, so there's always some conflict that is stemmed from trying to take down the club. Of course, that never happens. I, unfortunately, can't sing and I don't really have any stellar dance moves, although I have been doing Hip-Hop Abs with Shaun T. 3 times a week, so I suppose I could incorporate that into my daily life, but I have a feeling I would get some strange looks. Last night, my friend Matt, called me from Nashville. He was standing outside the Indigo Girls' tour bus waiting to see if he could catch a glimpse of them. My very first memory of Matt was on my 26th birthday. A group of us went to see the Indigo Girls and at the last minute, one of my girlfriends couldn't go so Matt took her place! One would think that as the only male, he might be uncomfortable, however, in the middle of "Shame on You" I look over and he's got his hands in the air, eyes closed, dancing his little heart away. It was then that I knew he and I were destined to be good friends! And if I do ever decide to turn my life into a musical, he would be the first one beside me dancing, singing, and acting a fool!

measure for measure.

2009-09-17T13:21:00.003-05:00

I’ve been having a lot of conversations recently about perceptions, trust, vulnerability, etc. Working in a church one would think you would be surrounded by people you can open your heart up to and know that those fragile parts of yourself can be preserved. Sadly, this is not always the case. On the other hand, there are those who you consciously choose not to trust because you see how perfect they seem to be on the outside. How in the world could they ever understand? The truth is, most of us live under some type of mask. We have no idea how we will be received if we ever choose to remove it. I’m currently in a short Beth Moore Bible Study called “Measureless Love.” The first week Beth talked about how, we, women in particular, are constantly trying to measure up to something. We try to measure up to someone else or by someone else’s standards. It’s exhausting. I find myself just as guilty of it. I look at many of the women in this church who come in each week with their husband and children and think, “Man, why can’t I have that?” or I see a girl a few rows in front of me with the perfect, hair, clothes, figure, etc, and think, “Why can’t I look like her?” My mom’s generation typically believes that you can’t go outside of the house without full make-up and fixed hair. I did not inherit this…or maybe I rebel against it. My freshman year of college the trend was to wear pajama pants to class. Strange? Maybe. I typically showed up to class with no make-up on, my hair on top of my head and wearing a t-shirt, pajama pants, and tennis shoes. My mom was certain I was depressed. It was actually the opposite. It was one of the happiest times of my life because I was surrounded by people who loved me for me, not what I looked like. I found it quite liberating. Today I don’t show up to work in my pajamas, although I certainly would like to some days. I don’t always wear make-up and often you’ll see me with my hair in a ponytail. Other days you’ll see me wearing nicer clothes, full make-up, and fixed hair. Regardless, I’m still the same person and it’s my hope that people accept me as I am. And those days when I might look a little nicer, there’s probably a whole lot of chaos going on inside me that I’d prefer to mask.

hope now.

2009-09-10T14:20:00.013-05:00

The near future holds a gift of contentment.
-so says my Chinese fortune

I've been carrying this around in my wallet for the past couple of weeks. It came at an interesting time...a time when I didn't feel content, when I was questioning, when I felt unsure about who I was. Not to say that all these things have been resolved but just the sheer fact that I kept a fortune from a cookie got me thinking about where we get our truth from. I certainly don't think some fortune cookie maker had me in mind when he/she produced it. It's just meant to be fun...and depending on the crowd, not my friends:), may include such things as "in bed" attached to it. But I do believe the near future holds a gift a contentment...

Here's a band I've been listening to recently...

Getting God on the Couch.

2009-09-10T13:52:00.003-05:00

From Susan's therapist:

"I can't tell you how many people come in here feeling disenfranchised, disillusioned, and disgusted with church. I'm talking solid Christians, lifelong churchgoers. They don't know where their faith is or where God is. I think the American church got away from the gospel, and we took a lot of people with us. People like you." (11).

Bring on couples counseling!

mother tendencies.

2009-09-07T23:03:00.004-05:00

I realized recently that although I take many a picture of Avery Claire, I rarely take video of her and might I say she is quite humorous at her current age. As I was videoing her this weekend, I felt a little like a mom in that although I find this highly entertaining, others who aren't invested in her life will just think it's a 2-year-old speaking jibberish for a minute and a half:)

travels, part three.

2009-09-05T15:37:00.003-05:00

My last trip of the summer, I went home with Aaron to South Louisiana. It was quite a trip...he even made an itinerary for my 4 days there which included Ponchatoula, Hammond, Des Allemands, Baton Rouge, New Orleans, Covington, and Mandeville. I'm probably leaving some place out. We didn't take many pictures but here's a few.

Saint Louis Cathedral

On the lakefront in Mandeville

Watching the sunset.

It was pretty amazing!

If I lived in Mandeville, I know where I'd spend all my free time:)

thoughts on home.

2009-09-04T20:24:00.002-05:00

I've recently been having conversations with different friends about "home." This tends to come up on the cusp of a big transition. We try to find our place, where we belong. Below you will find a blog I wrote on Myspace in August 2006, post graduation/pre-moving back to Ruston.

I've been thinking a lot about home lately. Where is home exactly? The place we hang our hat? The place we sleep on a regular basis? Where our stuff is? Ever since I left my childhood home 6 years ago I've questioned this. Yes, I still consider Ruston, my parents house, my home in the conventional sense, but I've come to realize that home is not really about a location but more about the people that are in that place. So I guess the cheezy saying, "Home is where the heart is" is true. For the last 4 and ½ years, Kentucky has been my home. The people I have met here have provided a haven for me as I've learned, struggled, hurt, and grown. Now that I've graduated, my home has been shaken a bit. I'm still living in the same place but things have shifted. As school gets ready to start back up next week, I'm realizing how much I feel displaced in this community. Sure, there are still certain people that will continue to be a part of my life, but to be on campus as a graduate feels weird. It's completely internal...Asbury continues to be a community that is welcoming of all people (most of the time), but I guess it's more the feeling that my purpose for being here is finished. And I find myself wondering, why the heck am I still here? God's been faithful to bring people new and old across my path to remind me that although my initial purpose may have been to get a degree, my real purpose continues to be fulfilled everyday wherever I am.

a new blog....a funny story.

2009-09-02T11:53:00.013-05:00

I don't typically dedicate an entire blog post to a specific person...minus you know, people I don't really know but would like to, however, my friend, Ross has just started a new blog so I feel inspired to promote it since I'm sure it will be highly entertaining:) In his first post, he states, "I will be offensive and judgmental and won’t feel bad about doing it. I will be loving and caring and will feel great about myself afterwards. I will add humor and fun and will make it enjoyable – for you and me." He will be all those things...it's who he is and although there are certainly plenty of things we don't agree on, at the end of the day I'm still crazy about him. So if you're easily offended, I would maybe suggest you not check him out.

He's also a very talented photographer. Check out his work here.

A funny story. My mom called me late yesterday afternoon from Shreveport. She tells me she's come up with this great ministry opportunity for Trinity, especially targeting all the "mature" women in the church. She continues on about how I need to advertise it in the bulletin and in the Tidings. Finally she shares this "great ministry opportunity" of hers. The Chippendales are coming to Shreveport in October!! Yep, this is my mother:)

middle-class white girl's tragedies

2009-09-01T15:12:00.003-05:00

As promised I'm going to share my thoughts on Angry Conversations with God. It may take me a few months to get through it, not for lack of entertainment but time. In the intro, Susan shares about her faith: she grew up Lutheran and for as long as she could remember had always believed in God and that Jesus loved her. That was until she had the worst year of her life: her father died, her mom had a stroke, her career was spiraling downward, her best friends were all getting married in the same summer, and her boyfriend of three years breaks up with her. To top it off, she runs into the ex lip-locked with a new girl in Central Park. A well-meaning Christian friend, tries to console her with, "Praise God, the Lord is showing you that Jack's moved on." Susan's response: "God isn't showing me Jack moved on; God's showing me he's moved on. I feel like God has abandoned me." A month later this well-meaning friend recommends the book The Sacred Romance, explaining that "our relationship with God is nothing short of marriage." Seriously?! I'm not discounting this statement or the book but when you're in the midst of intense grief, some sappy romance book about God may not be the best solution. This is when Susan gets the bright idea to take God to couples counseling. She seeks out a Christian therapist who's willing to counsel her and her immortal, invisible husband. God would never change, but if they were in a marital relationship, there were some things he needed to know about her...primarily that she was angry.

"These were nothing but middle-class white girl's tragedies. But I was a middle-class white girl, with a middle-class white girl faith. In fact, my middle-class white girl's tragedies ceased to be the tragedy at all: the tragedy was God's response--total silence. I couldn't hear God or see God or sense God anywhere or in anything. Some people call this the Dark Night of the Soul. It was dark, all right. And silent. And I was alone." (p. 6).

And so begins her journey to find a way back to what she once knew: that God was good and Jesus loved her.

Colbie Caillat

2009-08-28T11:29:00.008-05:00

A couple of months ago, Aaron and I went to see Colbie Caillat in Shreveport. Seriously one of the best concerts I've ever been to. It was at the Riverdome in the Horseshoe and not very crowded at all so it had that more intimate feel that I prefer over concerts in huge arenas where you might be able to see them if you use your high-powered binoculars:) Here's a few pics...not the greatest in quality but I refuse to use my flash at shows like this!

Last night I bought her new album. AMAZING! It's crazy to me that someone as beautiful and talented as she is could have insecurities, but she does and she's not afraid to share it. I feel her album will be one that gets me through this current season of life. I wanted to share what she wrote in the liner notes.

Hi! These songs are about growing up, experiencing life, love, making mistakes, & learning from them. I recently learned something about myself. For a lot of us, when life gets hard to deal with & keep up with, it becomes easier to give up on & let go of. I found myself doing that a lot & I was slowly falling apart. But...I woke up from it. I realized I wasn't happy settling for less or letting myself become someone I wasn't supposed to be due to laziness. I had to Breakthrough my fears, my insecurities & my self doubt. There are so many battles that we all have to go through in life that are for us to learn from, we grow stronger from them. I just learned this. I want to remind myself & everyone out there that we have to Breakthrough all the little things we tell ourselves we can't do because we are scared, & just step up & do them. This record is about becoming the person you want to be, having will power & letting nothing hold you back. So try not to let great things pass you by, start making things happen that you really want in life! I hope these words help you, if you are in need of them...I wrote this record with great friends of mine over the past two years. I wanted to make music that people could listen to while driving on a long road trip, while dancing at a party with friends, while laying out at the beach or sitting at their desk at work. I wanted to give people songs that they could fall in love to, lay down & cry to, songs & stories that they can relate to so they feel like they aren't the only ones going through whatever it is they are going through in life. Music is for you to listen to & forget about your worries. These songs can mean whatever you want them to mean, they are now yours. -CC

Thanks, Colbie.

travels, part 2.

2009-08-26T12:01:00.005-05:00

After we got back from California, I went on a "silent" retreat at St. Joseph Abbey in Covington, LA. I enjoyed sharing this with people because for the most part, everyone thought I was crazy! 2 complete days of silence! I, however, was excited and yes, a little nervous. I don't really like to stay in my head too long, but it did turn out to be an insightful time of praying and reading and sleeping! Yes, I chose to spend a good portion of my time sleeping. We had a schedule but following it was optional...that's my kind of retreat:) Below are 2 pictures of the chapel. We were invited to Eucharist and Vespers and really any of the prayer times that the monks participated in each day. It's quite a way of life down there!

The book that our devotions came from each day was called Seven Sacred Pauses by Macrina Wiederkehr. The whole concept is remembering to pause seven times throughout the day. It doensn't have to be anything extensive: a walk around the office, a cup a coffee, a few moments of stillness...anything that allows you to just pause in your day to regroup and refocus on who God is. I wish I could say that I've brought this practice back to my everyday life. I'm still working on it. I will say that those moments when I feel my most stressed during the day, Macrina comes to mind and I at least pause for a second:)

Angry Conversations.

2009-08-26T11:35:00.004-05:00

Lately I feel like a crazy person. I literally will weep for hours on end (last weekend I cried for 2 hours & when I say cry, I mean sob). This is not normally something I like to share. As I recently e-mailed my closest friends, I hate asking for help. It makes me feel weak, but I can attest that just the sheer fact of admitting to them that no, I'm not ok & yes, I'm incredibly lonely, knowing that they're standing w/ me praying, calling, e-mailing, texting, making plans to hang out, I feel better. A couple of nights ago, Aaron & I went to Barnes & Noble. I wasn't looking for anything in particular but I always like to peruse the "Christian Living" section just to see what they have on their shelves. This particular night I found "Angry Conversations with God" by Susan Isaacs. I had actually heard of this from one of my favorites, Don Miller, but had never looked into it. Considering where I'm standing, I couldn't help but pick it up & after reading the intro, buying it. I plan to review it on here one, so maybe I'll actually get in the habit of blogging/journaling again, and two, because I know I'm not alone where I'm at. For me personally, the fact that I've grown up in the church, have an MDiv from an accredited seminary, & now work in a church, it's sometimes hard for me to be really honest with how I'm doing b/c I feel guilty, ashamed, & that I should have it all together. Yesterday I met with Andy & I must say I was surprised when he looked at me and said, "Why are you minimizing what you're feeling?" I guess I didn't really realize I was doing it, but if I think about it, I do it all the time. I try to see the bright spots which is definitely not a bad thing, but I downplay what I'm really feeling. I'm trying to work on that, however, I think there's a part of me that's afraid that if I share what I'm really thinking or feeling, it may not be received well. My views on life, God, & the church has changed over the years. I find myself asking more questions than I ever have...maybe it's b/c I finally figured out that it's okay to ask & not just accept all things as truth. I think maybe that's why I relate so well to authors like Don Miller, Anne Lamott, & Susan Isaacs. They say what so many of us are thinking but are too afraid to say out loud...

You've Got Mail...

2009-08-20T23:34:00.003-05:00

So I get on these kicks where I pick one movie or tv show and it stays in my DVD player for weeks. For the longest time it was the Gilmore Girls, but we all must take a break from Stars Hollow now and again. As of late, I've been watching You've Got Mail. I remember seeing it in theaters. I was in college (during the time of dial-up internet), it came out in December right around my best friend April's birthday. Although I don't remember the exact year, I do remember which guy she was dating, but I will refrain from mentioning as he is insignificant in her life now. Anyway, the other day I was folding laundry while You've Got Mail played in the background and my ears perked up when I heard Meg Ryan say, "On my birthday, I wandered into the over-30 (chat)room as a joke..." I froze. Did she just say OVER 30? That means that me, along with several of my girlfriends are now catching up to our favorite movie characters! Eek! Not that I mind being in my 30's. So far it's served me well minus a few unmet dreams here and there. It's just weird.

The other observation I've recently made from several romantic comedies/dramas is that the main characters are typically in their 30's and not married. I'm not sure why but here in the South, most girls get married fairly young...at least by the time they graduate from college. I think about who I was when I was their age and I shudder. Not that I think they made a mistake by marrying so young, I just know for me I'm not the same girl I was at 22. I had a conversation with a friend today about someone he's close to who dated their boyfriend all through highschool and college and eventually married. He wondered if they really loved each other or if it was just the next logical step. I often wonder that about many couples. The thought of being alone forever is frightening, this I can attest to, but what I do know is that I would much rather be who I am on my own than in a relationship for the wrong reasons.

Well this blog has taken a different direction than I intended. It was really more of a pondering of age in movies and the hope that as a 32-year-old, I can be as refined and thoughtful as Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail. I leave early tomorrow morning for my final trip of the summer...New Orleans! Be back Tuesday!

travels, part 1.

2009-08-19T11:37:00.006-05:00

I've had the priviledge of doing a lot of traveling this summer. In July my friend Sarah and I went to San Diego. Her aunt lives there so we got to stay in her incredible house. Yep, below you will see what I got to experience everyday:)

This is the one of the views from Sandy's house.

Her incredible infinity pool.

Surrounded by mountains.

My absolute favorite photo of the trip!

The rest are just pictures we snapped as we went sight-seeing through LA and Hollywood. It was an incredible trip plus it was a great thing for me and Sarah to do together before she and her family moved to Houston in August!

summer.

2009-08-05T16:22:00.002-05:00

I may be a terrible blogger but I'm great at finding new blogger layouts:) This one is a tribute to Maggie Moos...I do love me some icecream in the summer! And my latest obsession you will see below: a large Sonic water with extra cherries and lemons. My friend Ross actually took this picture the very first day we discovered this little treat. I'm sad to report our waters haven't looked the same since, but it doesn't stop us from trying everyday:)

Happy Birthday, Claire--MJ style!

2009-07-20T11:45:00.005-05:00

Claire's 32nd birthday fell on the day of Michael Jackson's memorial so we thought it only fitting to throw her an MJ-themed party! Here are some photos from our event!

Our very own MJ impersonator dancing to Beat It:)

T-shirts that Cat and I made for the special occassion.
There's a debate on who his true #1 fan is:)
Everyone wanted a picture with MJ:)

The cake:)

more home projects.

2009-06-22T11:56:00.006-05:00

Why do I choose home renovations for a home I don't own? Because it's fun? In theory....maybe not so much when I'm on my floor for hours trying to cut the tile just right so it fits in the extra space that's a weird size, or the next day when it feels like I've been doing lunges. The finished product is fun...and I've vowed not to tile the rest of the apartment like previously planned:) Next home renovation: kitchen/living area lighting. Stay tuned!

I want to be inspired....

2009-05-20T11:21:00.000-05:00

This week has been weird. I can’t put my finger on what exactly has been weird. The weather outside has been perfect which just makes me want to lie in a grassy field somewhere and forget about life for awhile. It’s the end of the quarter at Tech which doesn’t directly affect me, however, due to the number of friends that I have that are students, I can sense the stress that has been rampant the last few days. Summer is around the corner, again something that really doesn’t affect me since I work full-time year round:) I’m approaching month 3 on the new job. I think one of the biggest challenges for my job is that a good portion of it is working on my own. For the most part I enjoy this; however, I often need to be inspired. I need someone who’s a visionary to dream with me. I wish I was a better dreamer….unfortunately I’m more of a detailed do-er. Give me a task and I’ll complete it to the best of my ability. I’ve decided that I need to incorporate dreaming/visioning into my job on a weekly or bi-monthly basis lest I burn out. It sounds simple enough yet so far I’ve struggled with it. I think I’m still trying to find my niche…my purpose for what I’m doing. Although Trinity has always been strong in Adult Education and Discipleship, it’s been mainly lay-driven. I think that’s amazing since they are the ones that are doing ministry on a weekly basis. I get to resource them, encourage them, and support them. I don’t want to become complacent…I want to know that what I’m doing matters…that somehow I’m making a difference. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the friends that I’ve made over the years. ALL of them are good at something…art, graphics, photography, fashion, design, teaching, inspiring. Sometimes I have a hard time pinpointing what it is that I’m good at. I wonder what it is that I bring to the table. I say this not to be self-deprecating. It’s just something I’ve been thinking and praying about the last several days. Today I just want to be inspired…

Check this out!

update on life...

2009-05-11T13:45:00.009-05:00

I often wish that the thoughts in my head could somehow miraculously end up on paper or transcribed onto my blog. Of course, there are also those thoughts that I wouldn’t subject anyone to lest I be sent immediately to the insane asylum:) I’ve been reflecting on the last couple of months…some of the most heart-wrenching but also exciting days of my life. The blow of Chris’ tragic death has softened although certain days he still floods my thoughts…the 5th of every month signifying another month since he died, April 25th—his birthday, and Mother’s Day. I thought about his mom all day yesterday and wished I could get in touch with her to let her know I was thinking about her. This Mother’s Day was weird for me. I was flooded with thoughts of those women who either lost their moms or a child this year. I also found myself thinking about my own “lack of” motherhood. With each passing year, I wonder if I’ll ever have any kids of my own. On the flip side, I found myself even more grateful for my 3 Godchildren. Unintentionally, I had decided that yesterday would be the day I would hang out with Garrett, my eldest Godson since we haven’t had a chance to do anything together in quite some time. They continue to mean the world to me and those days when I question my life here in Ruston, I look at their faces and know how lucky I am to live close to them again.

In March I transitioned to a new position at the church, Director of Adult Ministries. I’m over Sunday School, small groups, women’s ministry, etc. So far it’s been a great fit. I’m getting to know our amazing leaders and visioning for the future. We had our first Women’s Retreat last weekend and I got such great feedback from the women that attended. I have a great office that has become a haven for many of my co-workers. It’s a great representation of my personality and it’s my hope that it will be a great space for ministry. Since I’m still only a 30-hour-a-week employee, I’m also still working away at Starbucks. A lot of transition has happened there too and I’ve been amazed to see how we’ve really stood together as a family even though we lost such a great leader. Some weeks all I feel like I do is work. What’s worse are those weeks where I feel like I work all the time with no end result. The thing about ministry is that you can’t always measure your productivity by what you check off your “to do” list or even by a set of expectations that are met. It’s in the little things like conversations over coffee, time spent in prayer, or even taking some of the load off someone else’s plate…

The last couple of months I’ve had a lot of interesting conversations with different people. Some were about faith, some about life….. I am surrounded by a diverse group of friends…I attribute that to Starbucks. As I get to know people my faith typically comes into play in some fashion. It easily comes up in conversation because I work at a church. The responses are always intriguing, but generally as people get to know me they realize that me being a Christian doesn’t mean that I’m judgmental, hypocritical, or incapable of having fun. The truth is I love people, I really really love people. I love the traits that make up a person, their quirks and their passions, down to the core of who they really are. On the other hand, it is my hope that whether or not someone shares my religious views, they will offer me the same respect that I desire to give others. My relationship with Christ stands at the core of who I am…I will never make apologies about that. Unfortunately we live in a world where Christianity is misconstrued. Many people have been hurt by Christians or by the church. I can’t change that…I can only offer the love and grace that has been extended to me by my Heavenly Father. Am I perfect at it? No. Sometimes I fail miserably. It’s then that I have to ask for forgiveness and try again.

Goodbye my sweet friend.

2009-03-06T11:49:00.004-06:00

Last night I got the call that everyone dreads. A friend of mine from Lexington was shot and killed in the Joseph Beth parking lot around 3:30 yesterday afternoon. No one knows yet why this happened...thankfully the guy is in custody but it doesn't change the fact that the world has lost one of the good ones.

I met Christopher Tolliver back in June of 2006 when we worked together at the Nicholasville/New Circle Starbucks. He quickly became more than just a coworker; he became my friend. I've said this many of time but one of the many perks of working at Starbucks is the family you gain. This store was no different, especially since it was my first store. I was only there 6 months, but the relationships I made during that short time are priceless. Tolli was one of those that everyone liked! He was always smiling, always singing, and genuinely loved people. I have often thought how much I miss those talks we had sitting outside the store. I am grateful that those memories can never be taken away from me.

I will be heading to Lexington tomorrow to be with my Starbucks family and to celebrate the life of this great man. Please pray for his family and friends...death is never easy but especially under circumstances as tragic as this.

What I've concluded...

2009-02-06T09:33:00.006-06:00

I love to read other people's blogs, but am not so good at keeping up with my own. I find this bizarre because I've always always loved to write. I used to always love to go to Hallmark and peruse cards for an hour, but I discovered yesterday I'm not really into that anymore either. Of course, I was on a time crunch yesterday so finding the perfect card for the birthday girl is a little stressful when you need to be back in the office ASAP. What I realized when I got back to the office was that I had chosen a sweet card that said nothing about birthdays! Oh well...I think she enjoyed it just the same. I decided to sum up my life over the last month in a list form. It's been a crazy adventurous month and I have often thought, "Oh, I need to blog about this." Now if I really blogged about all of those things, we might be here til next week so here goes!

1. In mid-January, one of my favorite professors from seminary, Dr. Sandy Richter, came to Trinity to speak at our annual Ashram. I got to pick her up from the airport, eat a meal with her, drink coffee, and be her personal assistant basically for 2 days PLUS hear her amazing teaching. It was heavenly. I actually cried when she left...I later figured out that was just a hormonal response:)

2. A friend of mine from highschool, Sandy Parkman had a brain tumor removed this week! Crazy! It was an insane week of praying and waiting and encouraging and hoping. The surgery went well and the doctors have said the tumor (which took up 1/4 of her brain) is low-grade but she should get official results in the next 3 or 4 days!

3. Well, there's some other big stuff going on but it's just not time to reveal it yet! Hopefully by the time I get around to blogging again, it will all be official:)

4. I decided to make a hair change as seen in the above picture. The last time I had bangs was my freshman year in college. Who knew they could make me look so different?!

5. My birthday is next week and I have almost a week's worth of events planned! What can I say, I love birthdays! Here's the rundown:

Wednesday (my actual birthday): Dinner at Superior Grill in Shreveport; my friend Sarah booked us a hotel room at the Horseshoe so we could play in Shreveport on Thursday!

Thursday: shopping on the Boardwalk, pedicures

Friday: Dinner at Samurai, a joint birthday celebration with my good friend, Becky Clark!

Saturday: "Confessions of a Shopaholic" at Celebrity Theatres and scrumptious cupcakes from Curls (if you've never tried these, you should!)

Sunday: G-Love and Special Sauce (we listened to them quite a bit in college) is playing at the Horseshoe that night; my friend Melanie bought us tickets!

Bring on 32!

happy new year!

2009-01-10T01:05:00.003-06:00

One of my new years resolutions should probably be "update the blog more than once a month", especially since a certain someone recently asked me if I had forgotten how to write:) Today as I was driving around town, running errands, and enjoying my normal day off for the first time in weeks, I thought about all the people I love, wondering what they were doing, more importantly, how they were doing. I thought about all the places I would love to visit in 2009 but I have so many friends all over the world, it's almost impossible to choose! I thought about how much longer I could survive working 2 jobs, yet still not surrendering to the thought of giving one of them up. I thought about the transitions happening at the church and the new opportunities that might be ahead for me in ministry! I thought about turning 32...I have officially settled into my "early-30's"! I thought about how Jesus' 3-year ministry was happening right now between 30 and 33. I guess that means I'm in my prime:) This year I do want to do all those typical things: eat better, exercise more, save money...but even more so, I want to move out of the way and allow Jesus to use me, to grow me, to wow me.

Christmas blues....

2008-12-22T17:21:00.004-06:00

They come every year, sometimes early December, sometimes later but they always creep in...my annual Christmas blues. I really don't know why, but around this time of year I sink into a period of sadness. I do love Christmas, the lights, the food, the cold weather (when it cooperates), the awe of remembering Christ's birth... It will pass...it always does.

In other news, I wanted to show off my friend, Tish's, baby girl. Kensley was born a week ago today! It's been a rough week for the mama, but I think she's finally on the mend! I pray each of you have a blessed Christmas filled with loved ones and laughter!

O Christmas Tree...

2008-12-17T22:04:00.008-06:00

I thought I would post some pictures of my Christmas tree! My friend, Anne, said it looks like me! I must say, I do love it!

On another note, a little birdie told me that today is my dear friend and life-long mentor, Lora's, 60th birthday! I ran into her at Starbucks today and I had no idea! Party if up, girlfriend! So glad I got to see you on your big day even if I didn't know:)

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

2008-12-12T14:27:00.010-06:00

So what's up with it snowing in TX and a good portion of LA but not Ruston! Earlier this week I traveled to The Woodlands to visit my best friend, April, and celebrate her 30th birthday a little early. It was in the 70's everyday until Wednesday when it was time for me to drive back to Ruston. Everyone kept telling me to watch out for rain, snow, and/or ice. I saw none of these things...just a lot of dreary clouds. As I'm pulling into Ruston, I get a message from April that it's snowing in the Houston area! I hadn't lost hope that we, too, would get some wintry weather. I even stayed up a little later to see if maybe Father Snow would come. Nope. I wake up to find that instead, the New Orleans area had been blanketed! I have to say I was a little disappointed...that is, until I found out that many people were without power, meaning without HEAT! That made me feel a little better. Anyway, here are some pics of the precious children in my life! These were taken for the Smith family Christmas cards!

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Avery actually preferred eating the candy:)

Amazing that they're all looking at me AND smiling!
So sweet...sometimes:) This is their "naughty or nice" pose.
Precious girl!

Louisiana does see fall colors!

2008-11-27T12:00:00.004-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! I pray you all enjoy friends, family, food and the fall colors! For those of you who haven't heard, please pray for the Cantrell family. Marty was in a very bad car accident last Wednesday morning and is still in ICU in Shreveport. He's doing very well considering he was in a head-on collision and had to be pulled out with the jaws of life! He hasn't opened his eyes yet but he has been responsive at times. He's expected to make a full recovery, but he still has a long way to go!

Trinity UMC's Cardboard Testimonies.

2008-11-09T14:08:00.002-06:00

Here's the video from our Cardboard Testimonies a couple of weeks ago. It was an incredible experience and for the first time in a long time, it made me really excited to be a part of this church! God has already used my own personal story to speak into the lives of others. For that I am grateful!