sometimes I have no words.

Monday I turned 31. I spent it in my bed recovering from a stomach bug. Today my mom lost her job meaning that in just one year, both of my parents have lost their jobs. Is this really what being an adult is all about because if it is, I'd like to go back. I am certainly very thankful that I am employed with 2 jobs, one I love and one I'm hoping will someday blossom into something that feels like me. However, I've never felt so helpless in all my life. My parents gave me everything I could ever ask for and have supported me for the last 30 years of my life and there's nothing I can really do to return that. I have school debt upon school debt upon school debt along with the other grown-up bills of life like rent, car payments, and food. The Lord has been teaching me for a long time that really all I can do is just let go...let go of the control that I so much want to hold on to, let go of what I think I want, let go of my life. He's been teaching me this for 31 years and I've yet to still get it. Maybe this will be my year. He and I have been having lots of conversations about where I saw myself at 30 and it has not lived up to my expectations. It's not necessarily bad...He certainly knows what he's doing but I'm wondering if I ever will get to that place. Will I find someone to share my life with? Will I figure out what I really want to do with my life? I don't have the answers to these questions but I have to trust...

Last week our church sent my parents a check from an anonymous giver for $1000.
Tonight, my dad brought my mom a dozen roses.
So today I choose to trust.