To relinquish.

This morning I actually got to worship at church. It's funny how when you work at a church, it's really hard to find that sacred space for yourself to worship. Responsibilities and tasks seem to trump it every week for me. This week I was determined. I wish I could find the lyrics to one of the songs Scott sang this morning...it pierced my heart. I'm limited on time right now but I intend to continue searching for it so I can post it on here. Anyway, before we sang this particular song, Scott led us through a personal prayer time of relinquishing the most evident thing in our life that keeps us from truly praising Him. This is always easy for me, not the relinquishing part but the identifying part. It's my singleness. As much as I don't want that to inhibit my view on the Lord's goodness in my life, sometimes I let it. So with all that was in me, I relinquished...again. I don't know how long it will last...I'm sure I'll have to relinquish again before the day is over. As much as I thought moving back home would make it harder, in some ways it's been easier. There have not been many men for me to even be interested in here....I feel as though I'm surrounded by mediocreness (is that a word?) in that department. I feel sort of judgmental saying that, but let's face it, the pool of single men my age around these parts is slim. Looking back on past relationships, I can see those that have spoiled me and those where I've settled. I don't want to settle....I shouldn't have to. In the past few weeks I've met someone. Now don't get all excited, it's just a crush on my part really, but getting to know him, I don't see mediocre. He loves the Lord, he's responsible, he's smart, he's genuine, he's kind, he's respectful, he's funny, he's cute....he's also unfortunately young. It's weird to be my age and have those all too familiar feelings of butterflies in my stomach and that anticipation of when I will see him next. I feel like a school-girl. At the same time, I'm trying not to make more of it than what it is...a potential new friend. He reminds me that it's okay to have high standards and that there are still good ones out there. I don't want to be cynical, but I want to be okay with who I am as a single woman. The thought of being alone the rest of my life scares me...it does, but I do love my life. I love my independence. I want God to be enough because he is, I have to completely trust in that. So today, I choose to relinquish.