Restless Faith.

I've recently been reading Restless Faith by Winn Collier. If you haven't ever read anything by him, I highly recommend it. He's one of those authors that I love because he's honest about those things that we would rather not wrestle with...like faith. In this last chapter that I read he talks about how we prefer to focus on those whose faith led to great things, such as Abraham and Sarah, Noah, Moses, Rahab...but what about those whose faith led them to suffering or death? I've been wrestling with the concept that although God is good, that does not mean he's safe. On Sunday, Andy talked about this, quoting The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

"Is he--quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."

"That you will, dearie, and make no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver, "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."

"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver..."Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you." 

Sometimes God will call us to do the craziest things: move to another country that's filled with violence...or loneliness, proclaim truth even though we may be ridiculed, essentially, he may even call us to die for our faith. Do we understand it? No. Do we trust him? I hope so. Some days are definitely harder than others. I made an interesting revelation a couple of days ago and admitted it to a friend today. I moved home a year and a half ago out of obedience, but since then my relationship with the Lord has been lacking. Why? I think I've taken on the attitude of a 4-year old..."I'll do what you tell me but I'm giving you the silent treatment." It's only recently that I've even began to let him in again. Yes, this may be disconcerting for someone who's been in a ministry position for the last year. I'm quick to pray for those around me and to do whatever I can to equip them to do ministry. It's my own heart that I've neglected. I know it's time for me to be honest again, to tell him that even though I want to trust him and believe that he is good, I'm disappointed that my life isn't how I thought it would turn out. No, it's not a bad life. In fact, I'm blessed far more than I deserve. My life looks a lot different than it did 2 years ago. Maybe that means it's okay that my worship life doesn't look exactly the same as it did when I was in college or seminary. One thing's for certain...I'm still seeking. Maybe that's all I can ask for right now.