Angry Conversations.

Lately I feel like a crazy person. I literally will weep for hours on end (last weekend I cried for 2 hours & when I say cry, I mean sob). This is not normally something I like to share. As I recently e-mailed my closest friends, I hate asking for help. It makes me feel weak, but I can attest that just the sheer fact of admitting to them that no, I'm not ok & yes, I'm incredibly lonely, knowing that they're standing w/ me praying, calling, e-mailing, texting, making plans to hang out, I feel better. A couple of nights ago, Aaron & I went to Barnes & Noble. I wasn't looking for anything in particular but I always like to peruse the "Christian Living" section just to see what they have on their shelves. This particular night I found "Angry Conversations with God" by Susan Isaacs. I had actually heard of this from one of my favorites, Don Miller, but had never looked into it. Considering where I'm standing, I couldn't help but pick it up & after reading the intro, buying it. I plan to review it on here one, so maybe I'll actually get in the habit of blogging/journaling again, and two, because I know I'm not alone where I'm at. For me personally, the fact that I've grown up in the church, have an MDiv from an accredited seminary, & now work in a church, it's sometimes hard for me to be really honest with how I'm doing b/c I feel guilty, ashamed, & that I should have it all together. Yesterday I met with Andy & I must say I was surprised when he looked at me and said, "Why are you minimizing what you're feeling?" I guess I didn't really realize I was doing it, but if I think about it, I do it all the time. I try to see the bright spots which is definitely not a bad thing, but I downplay what I'm really feeling. I'm trying to work on that, however, I think there's a part of me that's afraid that if I share what I'm really thinking or feeling, it may not be received well. My views on life, God, & the church has changed over the years. I find myself asking more questions than I ever have...maybe it's b/c I finally figured out that it's okay to ask & not just accept all things as truth. I think maybe that's why I relate so well to authors like Don Miller, Anne Lamott, & Susan Isaacs. They say what so many of us are thinking but are too afraid to say out loud...