beautiful things.

After 10 years, I’m working through Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free” again. I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect this time around. I knew there were new struggles I’ve picked up along the way, as well as those old ones that still rear their ugly head from time to time. Going in, I had heard that week 4 was probably the hardest…uncovering generational sin and how that affects who we become. Although it was interesting to look back on my family line, it’s been week 5 that has proven the most challenging: binding up the broken-hearted from childhood victimization, betrayal, and loss. Now many of you know that I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse by a friend’s father. It wasn’t til college that I really started delving into the impact that it had on my self-esteem and my relationship with men. It was also the first time I really opened myself up to a community and allowed them to walk with me. What has transpired as I’ve been going through this week’s study is the repercussions that occurred from maybe opening up myself too much during this time period. I entered into an unhealthy relationship not long after I revealed this part of my past that left me broken and with new wounds. I felt betrayed and it’s this betrayal that I realize I have not let go of. I forgave a long time ago, but there’s been a bitterness harboring inside of me that has affected me in so many ways. Do I think this betrayal was intentional? Probably not. Do I think this person feels remorse for what happened? Yes. But regardless of his intentions, I idolized this person, to the point that if someone would’ve pointed out the connection between the unhealthiness of our relationship with the nature of my abuse, I wouldn’t have been able to see it. I trusted him…I loved him. Unfortunately what resulted was further heartbreak. Those steps toward healing and trust were essentially taken away from me. I don’t completely blame him for what happened. I was just as much a participant and I didn’t deter him from what our relationship turned into. At the time it was a source of comfort for me, just not the comfort I truly needed. I tell you all this because instead of risking becoming a captive in my own protective fortress, I’m risking letting all that hurt and bitterness go so I can truly experience freedom. I know I’m not alone on this journey. It’s easy to pretend like we are or to think that no one understands what we’re going through. I know that’s not the case. Time and time again, I tell my story to someone and immediately they share with me their own similar experience. The truth is, regardless of how devastating our stories are, it’s what shapes us negatively or positively. It’s my hope that my story will be used as a source of healing in someone else’s life. I leave you with these words from the band, Gungor:

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make me new, You are making me new