grace eventually.

Last time we were all together: July 2013.

Community Group outing to Vista Lights

One year ago I packed up what belongings I could cram into my Honda and started the journey to Columbia, SC. I would be lying if I said I had no expectations. I had some...that God quickly did not meet like I had hoped, but as I reflect on the past 365 days, the one thing I can say for certain is that God has been beside me every step of the way, even during those days of utter darkness when I questioned whether I made the right move, if my motives were pure, if He had a purpose for me here. I think the one thing that stands out about the past year is the community He has placed around me from day one. Those of you who’ve kept up with my blog may remember me talking about my first night in town when the Syferts through a “Welcome to Columbia” party for me. That night I was introduced to their Community Group. Today they are MY community group. Although some of them have moved away, the people that came to welcome me that night, along with others, have become my family. They were the ones who showed up on a Saturday morning in August and helped me and my Dad unload a U-Haul truck of everything I had left behind when I finally moved into my own place. Not too long ago, Luke and I were talking about the group. He made the comment, “You don’t just need them. They need you.” I am grateful for this need we have for one another.

Then there are my work girls, the ones who keep me going when customers are being trying, things are falling apart, and I’m exhausted beyond belief. They check in on me on my day off and are quick to call when I say I’m having a bad day. Even the Starbucks that God put me in has a purpose for me, although I still struggle with fulfilling that purpose on many occasions. 

And lastly, I’m finally back in school pursuing the degree that’s been in the back of my mind since I left Asbury 6 years ago, counseling. I’m utterly amazed at how God orchestrates our lives when we choose to trust Him. I read this quote today in Brennan Mannings, “Ruthless Trust.”

Our story is perhaps a paradigm for every trusting disciple. The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise.

I’ve declared 2013 as a year of risk, which looking back on 2012, moving to Columbia was quite a risk for me. But there’s still so much more that God is calling me to. In the meantime, I have to trust Him that when things don’t seem to go the way I planned or hoped, it doesn’t change His love, His promises, or His purpose for me.

Happy 2013, everyone!

Oh, and not to disappoint my adoring readers, I need to give a shout out to my new friend, Gord Downie! I’m sure you’ll end up in a blog post soon;-)

Coping with depression is not easy. There are days when I choose to stay in bed and hide under the covers all day. It’s not necessarily productive, but sometimes it’s what I need. For those of you who struggle with depression, I’ve decided to share a few of my personal forms of therapy with you. Now in order for this therapy to be effective, it often times requires laying down your pride and asking for help. I struggle with this often, but the truth is, we can’t survive on our own. None of us can.

Family. When I moved to Columbia, the Syferts graciously let me live with them for six months. During that time I fell even more in love with their two girls. Since then I have asked them if I could use their home as a place of refuge when my depression is heightened. They welcome me any time, no questions asked, no invitation needed. I am so grateful for them and the way they love me.
Creating. I love projects. I think that’s why my home is always changing. I get restless and need to create something. Whether it’s painting a canvas, taking pictures, or making Christmas ornaments, this is a way for me to calm my soul. It doesn’t have to be something extravagant. It’s really just about finding a hobby, something you enjoy doing.
Community. One of the first things God blessed me with upon my arrival to Columbia was my Community Group. I sort of fell in to them since the Syferts were already a part, but it’s a perfect fit. One thing I especially appreciate about them is how they take care of me and want to be a part of my life: the good, the bad, and the ugly. We are a broken group who desires to love well and to show that love to the people we encounter on a daily basis.
Walking. Now this one is not always my first go to, but it’s one of those things that is good for me not just emotionally, but physically. There’s a park close to my house that I’ve found that’s perfect to disengage with the world for a while and reconnect with God through creation.
Killian. My dog, Merlot, lives with my parents. I’m not allowed to have a dog in my apartment, plus Merlot’s grandparents refuse to part with her, but in the meantime, I’ve met a wonderful, sweet, loving 60lb lab named Killian. She and I have weekly sleepovers and she provides me with a great deal of comfort when she’s around. I can talk to her about anything and I know my secrets are safe with her and it doesn’t change how she feels about me:-)
Gilmore Girls. This is a silly one, I know, but I love this show. It’s witty, clean, and full of eclectic people you grow to love. I own all seven seasons and I have it on rotation in my DVD player quite often. I enjoy disengaging at the end of the day by watching an episode or two. It just works for me.

The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. -Aristotle

Recently I was visiting a friend on my way back from Columbia after a few days at home. His brother and I somehow got into a conversation about depression. He was sharing about a girl he knew who had committed suicide. He talked about how she always came across as one of those people who typically seemed happy all the time. As the conversation continued, he mentioned that he didn’t understand how anyone could end their lives voluntarily. I sort of cringed. This is a common statement for people who have never dealt with depression. Now before anyone starts calling any emergency hotlines (MOM), let me set the record straight. I am not suicidal. However, I will admit I have been so far in the depths of depression that I have prayed to God to just take me. In moments like these, I know I’m not rational. The pain overtakes everything else and it’s hard to see past it. After talking to close friends and my counselor, I decided that a therapeutic way for me to deal with my own depression would be to write about it. My hope is that my writing will be informative, especially for those who have never struggled with depression. Now, I’m not an expert on the subject. Most of my writing will be from a personal standpoint. 

Good morning, friends!

I've been given the incredible opportunity to guest blog for my friends over at Single Roots! I really believe in what they're doing. Check out my first post for them here and let me know what you think!

Last December I made the commitment to give running a shot. I downloaded the Couch to 5K app on my phone, asked my good friend, Becca to run with me and off we went. What I wasn't anticipating was how unprepared I really was. Two weeks in, I developed a serious case of knee tendinitis in BOTH knees. If you've ever experienced anything like this, it's painful as hell! The cause: BAD SHOES. I didn't take into account that my cool New Balance kicks that I had worn forever (because I liked the way they looked) may not be the best option for actual running. So, I had to hang up my running shoes for a few weeks, let my body heal, and start over. In January, I went to a great running store in Monroe called Fit Right Active. They put me in a pair of running shoes, got me on a treadmill, and watched me run for 60 seconds. What I learned was that when I run, my feet pronate. Now I could get into the technicality of what that means, but basically it's just how my feet hit the ground when I run. From this observation, they were able to offer me four brands of shoes that would work best for me. I chose Asics and they have yet to let me down. Although I'm still a newbie in the running world, I can now say with pride that I can run one mile without stopping. Now, I look like a geriatric when I'm running, and I want to quit pretty much the whole time, but I can do it. The beginning of May, I participated in my first 5K here in Columbia with my friend, Jamison and finished in under 45 minutes. I wish I could say I've developed this great love of running, but I really haven't. I keep running though because I know it's good for me to be active and because at some point I would like to be able to run an entire 5K, preferably before I turn 36.

As much as I hate to physically run, I've noticed that when it comes to my spiritual and emotional life, I'm an avid runner. When things get hard, I want to run. I don't want to sit in my pain or deal with what's going on around me. It just seems so much easier to run away, to distract myself with something else until it fades away. Of course, this logic doesn't work. We can't run from our problems entirely. We can try to leave them behind for a little while, but they're still waiting for us when we return. God's been working on my heart lately when it comes to running. I'm uncomfortable in my pain. I want it to go away. I want Him to move in a different direction that brings me peace and comfort and essentially give me what I WANT. Unfortunately, what we want isn't always what's best for us. We can never see this when we're in the midst of hard times. We see what's right in front of us, God sees the whole picture. So today, I'm sitting in my pain with a band of amazing people praying me through it. I will be running (or flying) to Austin next weekend to spend some time with my best friend, April, but what I'm hoping is that it will offer me some time to reflect and gain some perspective so that when I return to Columbia, I can face my pain head on and trust that God knows what he's doing.

I have been constructing a blog post in my head for the last couple of weeks, but when I sit down to write, I feel stuck. So instead, I've decided to share some key points I've learned over the last two and a half weeks: