Why is trusting God with my heart so difficult? I’ve realized, yet again, that I continue to struggle with this. It shows up most in relation to my singleness. Not a month ago I was walking into my apartment and I realized that for the first time in a long time, I actually wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was content in my new city with new friends, getting settled and just living life. Then a boy entered the picture. Suddenly all these strange emotions started overwhelming me and my thoughts became consumed with this really cute, really funny, presumably single guy. Except, I really don’t know much about him and I’m not sure I ever will. Fast forward a couple of weeks and said guy is now moving on, not from me per se, but from our shared circumstances that continued to put us in the same room from time to time. Today as I was driving from one job to the next, I found myself yelling at God (again) that I was disappointed. I’m disappointed that this potential new “friendship” is ending before it’s even started, that for a split second I got my hopes us that maybe, just maybe, the odds were ever in my favor. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I trust God with parts of my life, but when it comes to matters of the heart, not so much. Those relationships that don’t work out, it never occurs to me that maybe He’s protecting me from something. Just because it looks good on paper doesn’t mean that it’s what’s best for me. Nashville is my 7th move and honestly, hopefully my last. I’ve been amazed at how God has provided for me since I made the decision to move here. Living in Nashville has been a dream of mine since visiting back in 2007 when my friend, Matt, still lived here. My first weekend here was also my church’s first weekend to meet full-time. Up to that point, they had only been meeting once a month at most. I have an incredible church family that gets me and that stands for exactly what I believe. You have no idea how refreshing that is, especially considering how hard my heart was that first week. My nights are filled with concerts and new restaurants with new friends. So why am I still holding on to this idea that my life is incomplete without a man by my side? I wish I wasn’t one of those girls. I think I believed it would get easier as I got older and it wasn’t so much about the peer pressure of having a boyfriend. But now, it’s legitimately about desiring a life partner. I’m grateful for my independence, but sometimes, I wish I didn’t have to be so independent. And for any young girls out there reading this, navigating crushes in your 30’s isn’t any easier.
**My blog will be undergoing a face-lift in 2016. Be on the lookout for updates! Hopefully it will inspire me to write more regularly again. Thanks for sticking with me.