grace eventually.

When I was in seminary, I took a counseling class on walking clients through forgiveness. I honestly think it was more enlightening for us than it would ever be for our clients. We had to face those places in our lives where we were will still harboring unforgiveness. I honestly thought I had dealt with those hard places...until a year ago. It was then that I realized just how layered our hurts can be. Several months ago I learned that a person I had once loved betrayed again. This time it wasn't me. Yet, I found those ugly feelings of anger, betrayal, mistrust, and unforgiveness welling up inside of me. My resounding question was, "How could he?" Sadly, this has been a familiar question I've asked since then, not about this guy, but about countless others who have betrayed...betrayed people I love. And yet, in all these situations, I've been called to help my loved ones walk through forgiveness. It's a daunting task really, especially when you come face to face with your own lack of forgiveness.

This has been my theme song for the last couple of weeks. One thing I learned at a young age, thankfully, is that regardless of how I may feel or what the circumstances are going on around me, God is for me. He will go before me. And He will never leave me.

This time every year for the past 3+ years, you would find me at the Gwinnett Center in Duluth GA for the annual Catalyst Leadership Conference. Incredible leaders of all types come and impart their wisdom upon pastors and church leaders from all over the US. Up and coming worship leaders take the stage and lead us into heartfelt times of communion with the Lord. There's nothing quite like worshiping with literally thousands of other believers in one place. There's also times of crazy skits and attempts to create our own Doritos commercial for the Super Bowl which sadly did not win last year. What stands out to me the most about this conference is not all the hoopla, but how God always shows up to speak directly to me. Without a doubt, each October I'm entering into some kind of hard season. Questioning my purpose, my role in ministry, my worth as his beloved child. Every year one or more speakers stands up and speaks directly to these doubts and brings me to a new place of assurance that I AM NOT ALONE. Ministry is by far one of the most challenging jobs one can do. It's easy for your own spiritual well-being to be put on the back-burner as you attempt to lead others to the foot of the Cross, proclaiming the very truth that you yourself have lost sight of.

Last year, I remember spending the day before the conference sick in my hotel room, looking up jobs in Nashville, schools that offered good counseling graduate programs, and praying with all my might that the Lord would reveal to me what His next steps for me might be. I was still at Trinity, but even then I could sense that my time would be coming to an end soon. I didn't share this with many people, just my close friends scattered across the globe who were fervently praying for me. This year I'm sitting at a local coffee shop, wishing so much I was at Catalyst, only this year I'm not questioning. Had the Lord revealed to me what He had in store for me this past year, I probably would have been in disbelief. He is faithful. He brings about change in ways we never thought we could handle. He introduces us to new people that step in and commit to walking the journey with us.

Last year, like all the years before, I left Catalyst feeling rejuvenated and certain that God had not abandoned me, but was continuing to mold me and to shape me into something that only he could create. I just have to trust him and be willing to jump into the unknown WITH HIM. Because when we finally let go, we find we have nothing to lose.

Today as we celebrate the life of a great leader and innovator, I leave you with this quote from Steve Jobs:

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything -- all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.... Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

Whether we’re 12 or 102, I think we all battle insecurities. As we get older, we hopefully understand a little better how to control them as well as how we allow (or not allow) them to define us or affect us in a negative way. I’ve been reading a new book: God Loves Ugly by Christa Black. She shares her own journey of insecurity and how it’s shaped her into who she is today. She has a passion for teaching women the importance of taking control of how we think because it not only affects how we feel, it affects how we respond to ourselves, to others, and to our circumstances.

When I was growing up, I perceived myself as the awkwardly quiet fat girl with frizzy hair and braces. Now granted, I’ve always dealt with weight issues most of my life, but in high school it became an obsession. I was a dancer, but I’ve never had the body type. As a size 10, I was the biggest girl in my class. So I did what I could to “get skinny”. I worked out incessantly and I ate next to nothing. Looking back on it now, I would say I struggled with anorexic tendencies. Now granted, I never got unhealthily skinny. I maintained a healthy weight that in my opinion (at the time) was overweight. I remember my Dad being confused one day when he asked me what size t-shirt I needed for an event. I immediately responded “extra-large”. He looked at me quizzically and asked if I was sure I wanted one that big. See, in my head I was an extra-large girl. I still have one of those t-shirts. In fact, it’s one of my favorites to sleep in, but even now, as a size 14, it’s still way too big for me.

I was also a shy kid. And unfortunately, shy is perceived as either snobby or boring. I like to believe that I was neither. I surrounded myself with very outgoing, very confident, (and very beautiful) girlfriends. When I was a freshman in high school, I remember going to the mall with my friend, Stacy. We ran into an acquaintance of ours who introduced us to a guy from another school down the road. I was immediately entranced in his gorgeous blue eyes. When I say it was love at first sight, it was love at first sight. Of course, Stacy carried on a conversation with him for a good 10 minutes while I stood there awkwardly, blushing uncontrollably, and trying not to stare at him and his incredible handsomeness. I think besides telling him my name, I never said another word. As we walked away, I told Stacy that I, of course, was in love with him. The good friend that she is made it her mission to get us together. We dated for about a month, but I remember him telling me that he thought I wasn’t interested because I barely spoke to him. I was comfortable taking a backseat to my friends, allowing them to shine. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t have anything to say. I am and continue to be an internal processor. Not to mention that boys scared the hell out of me. It wasn’t until college that I finally felt comfortable enough to engage in conversations with guys. What I then learned about myself is that the guys that I am drawn to are the ones that make the effort to really get to know me, help me feel comfortable in my own skin, and who aren’t intimidated by my “quietness”.

The other day I was discussing some of this with my friend, Jenn. She made the comment that I have a gift for connecting with people quickly and a passion to get to know them. I looked at her blankly. This is something I never really observed about myself. I still see myself as that awkward shy girl trying not to come across as snobby or boring. Sometimes we need friends in our lives to mirror back the TRUTH of who we are, not the flaws that we see.

Tonight I shared with our 7^th grade girls at church a little of what I’ve been learning from this book. Christa pointed out 4 specific things that’s true for all of us:

· We are all wonderfully unique.

· We are all talented in our own ways.

· We are all beautiful.

· We are all worthy of love.

Today I choose to embrace the truth.

I don't know how many of you are familiar with Pinterest, but it's the newest most addicting form of social media meets yummy recipes, DIY projects, design ideas, fashion, and more. I love it! What's so great about it is that once you find something you like, you pin it to one of your boards so you can come back to it at any time. Plus, when you pin something, you're also sharing it with your followers, so it's a virtual way of bouncing ideas off one another. Seriously, who comes up with this stuff?

A couple of days ago I came across the picture you see to your left. I fell in love with the idea. As I've shared here, I've never been a big dreamer. I'm not saying I don't have dreams, trust me, I do, but it's hard for me to articulate sometimes. Truth be told, I'm afraid once I verbalize my dreams, even if only to myself, that they may not come true, and I'll be disappointed. What I've been learning is that if I'm not willing to really figure out what my dreams are, I'll never be able to follow after them, or through attempting to follow one, stumble across another that I didn't even know I had. So, I've started my own dream jar. It only has 4 dreams in it so far, but I intend to add to it. This is a more simpler (& cuter) idea than my earlier plan to start a dream journal. It gives me the freedom to add to it and even take out as my dreams either change or actually come to be.

Now go check out Pinterest and see what dreams open up for you!

I have a very exciting announcement to make! I've been sitting on it awhile and just recently started sharing it with friends and family. In January 2012 I will be moving to Columbia, SC. I suppose it's something I've been contemplating for months now as you've probably noted from previous posts. As I was sharing with a good friend last night, I so often struggle with aligning what I want with God's will and automatically assuming that because it's something I want, then it must not be right. I realize this is a skewed view of who our God is. I suppose I attribute this to so many broken dreams I've had along the way, dreams that I now look at and know that it was indeed God's best for me not to have them. I can't necessarily say what my life in Columbia will look like. I'm going on faith, knowing that I have a few good friends there who are thrilled I've made the decision to do life with them. I'll be transferring with my beloved Starbucks. I'm so thankful I work for a company who not only offers excellent health insurance but also provides partners the opportunity to transfer to stores all over the world. Talk about job security! We're also praying that God would open up some ministry opportunities there. Luke Syfert, one of my very best friends in the whole world, is on staff at a church in Columbia and has asked if I would consider doing ministry with him. It was a resounding YES! I couldn't think of a better person to partner with in ministry. Not to mention that I will get to be around his awesome wife, Lauren, and their two beautiful girls, Chloe and Josalin. There's also one other person that I'm looking forward to seeing on a regular basis. To protect his privacy, he'll remain nameless:-) I haven't shut the door on going back to school. I'm still very interested in finishing my Masters in Counseling...it's just not the right time. I'm so grateful for these past 5 years back in Ruston, specifically the time spent with my parents and my God-children. But I'm so excited about my future and what God has in store for me. My desire is to be faithful to Him and I know that He will provide for me in return.

These last 8 months have been truly transformational. When I lost my job at Trinity, I was weary and burned out on life and ministry. A month later I said a final goodbye to a friendship that had also been extremely draining and unhealthy for me, leaving me even more broken and battered. God faithfully met me in those places. He brought people into my life to speak truth, to sit with me, and to remind me that first and foremost I am HIS. This is the greatest reminder any of us can hear really. When we stop and think about the truth that we are HIS child and we are loved completely and unconditionally for who we are, it puts things in a whole new perspective. I pray that each of you will be reminded that you are first and foremost HIS and he couldn't be more proud to be your Father. May you embrace this truth today.

'That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it and think how different its course would have been. Pause, you who read this, and think for a long moment of the long chain of iron or gold, or thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on that memorable day.'

Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

A request was made that I put up a photo tour of my apartment. I think it's because I gush that it's my favorite place in Ruston. I like to please my readers so here you go! Oh, and feel free to come see it in person any time (you know who you are). Enjoy!

I've actually been contemplating this post for awhile, composing thoughts in my head, which is never a good idea, by the way, because most of the time my mind is a jumbled mess. I blame it on the job...up at 5am every morning. Although I prefer to open so I can a) get it over with, and b) have the rest of the afternoon/evening to do what I want (sleep), after day 3 of early mornings, I'm pretty sure I look like a walking zombie. For instance, I have very little recollection of this morning, other than repeating the same prayer over and over in my head, but I digress.

Yesterday I decided instead of sleeping the afternoon away causing myself to not sleep well last night I would treat myself to a movie (or 2). It's a great alternative when you live some place that's reaching the 106 degree mark everyday. Free refills on soda and blasting AC. Not to mention that because of my wonderful connections, I have free movie passes (thanks, Sarah). I decided to make it a Rom-Com day. I started out in Friends With Benefits, which I had actually already seen and loved and then ended my movie marathon with Crazy, Stupid, Love. Now although there are certainly things I don't agree with about these movies, what I fell in love with were the heartfelt stories.

In FWB, you meet 2 emotionally damaged/unavailable 20-somethings who are done with love. So, after developing a solid friendship, they decide to try out this whole "friends with benefits" concept. I don't want to ruin the ending for you, but as you can probably guess, it only works out for a little while. But, what I appreciate about the relationship that's developed between Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis' characters is that they learn to really let their guards down and to truly be themselves. They don't just develop some Hollywood romance, they invest in one another and become best friends. Now it seems everything I've been reading and watching lately has been talking about this concept of marrying your best friend. For a long time, I would get really irritated when I would hear people gushing about this, but what that boils down to is me hanging onto hurt and disappointment from past relationships. I fell in love with my best friend in college. He didn't love me back. In fact, he didn't take care of my heart at all. When I became best friends with another guy in seminary, I found myself guarded at times, afraid of the outcome. Thankfully, he proved over and over again that he only wanted to protect my heart and he's still my best friend today. Did we fall in love? No. Do I still measure most guys I meet to him? Absolutely. So how does one end up marrying their best friend? Does it happen when two friends have this "aha" moment that they want to move past friends to lovers? The truth of the matter is that friendship is required for a relationship to really work. Attraction and passion ebb and flow, but it's the friendship that stands the test of time. (Now I sound like a cheesy Hallmark card). I've been reading Don Miller's latest blogs on relationships. (I borrowed the sweet photo above from him.) I suppose now that he's engaged he feels he can offer up his expertise on finding your soul mate. He offers some good insights. Specifically he talks about finding that person you're willing to run the marathon with. It's a good analogy, really. Marriage is a commitment that is supposed to last forever. It's not meant to be over as soon as things get rough. Unfortunately, we as women tend to get caught up in the fairytale romances that happen on the big screen, myself included, but what is often left out is what happens after the couple finally makes that big plunge into "happily ever after."

This brings me to Crazy, Stupid, Love. This is a movie more about seasoned love, with a few other emerging love stories in the background. It's one of those that has a surprise twist that leaves you laughing at the irony. Steve Carrell and Julianne Moore play the typical married couple who have grown apart after 25 years of marriage. Their lives have become mundane, so Emily, Julianne's character, sleeps with a coworker, then informs Cal, Steve's character, that she wants a divorce. Honestly, I don't think she really wants a divorce, I think she just wants to know that their marriage is still worth fighting for. From there we follow Steve's character as he tries to figure out where things went wrong. Along the way he meets Jacob, a womanizing, suave, very confident, very good-looking younger guy who wants to help him "find his manhood." This comes about in a variety of ways: new wardrobe, working out, learning how to talk to women, and then sleeping with them (not such a fan of that one). What he learns as this new life backfires on him is that the woman he fell in love with at the age of 13 is still the same woman he's in love with today. Their day-to-day life made him forget that just because she said yes years ago did not mean that he could stop pursuing her and proving to her everyday that she was worth fighting for. This is where that marathon analogy comes in. They both lost sight of what they had committed to. They lost their friendship. They stopped training and became lazy to the point of almost giving up and making poor decisions that leave them both even more hurt, more confused, and uncertain of their future. They come to a crossroads. Do they begin investing in each other and their family again or do they give up? You'll have to watch the movie to find out what they decide. Plus, those other love stories included in this movie that I mentioned earlier are highly entertaining.

Go see them. I would love to hear your thoughts.

It’s that time of year when people are getting ready to move on to the next thing. Recently graduated high-school seniors are preparing to leave for college; recently graduated college seniors are looking for their first “real” job, parents are gearing up for another year of school as we endure yet one more day of record heat wave days. Sometimes in the midst of this we forget that God is not done with us where we are today. I’m definitely one to get caught up in the “What’s next?” Ask anyone who knows me. I’m always looking forward to something, usually a trip of some sort that reunites me with people I love. But, if we’re not careful, we will miss out on what’s right in front of us.

At the same time, I have felt for some time now that God is preparing me for some place else. This week I started reading “Here’s to Hindsight” by Tara Leigh Cobble. One thing I’ve learned about myself in the last couple of years is that I’m a spiritual memoir junkie, especially the comedic ones. I appreciate women who are not afraid to share their insights, hurts, struggles, and funny mishaps that have led them deeper to heart of Christ. I read this particular excerpt a couple of nights ago and I haven’t stopped thinking about it. At this point in the story she’s living in her hometown but feeling the pull towards Nashville.

“I started to notice that life was moving and I was standing still there. I was sinking, actually. I could feel God pulling me out, slowly at first—then, all of a sudden, I looked around and I was free. And I knew that I was supposed to use that freedom to move somewhere away from Greeneville.”

Over the last year, I often felt this very thing. Everyone around me is moving in a specific direction and I am just standing still. There isn’t anything holding me here anymore. Now don’t get me wrong, my family means the world to me. I feel like through this season of uncertainty, as I’ve had to lean on my parents (again) that our relationship has grown so much stronger. I’m so lucky to have two parents who support me and want me to be happy, whatever that looks like. My God-children are growing and changing everyday. Garrett’s a pre-teen, but he still thinks I’m cool and wants to hang out with me when I’m around. Grant loves to spend the night at my house and bake cookies and make art projects. Avery still wants me to hold her and sit in my lap while we watch TV. She loves for me to take her to Starbucks to get chocolate milk and go swing on the playground. What I will one day leave behind is huge, but not as huge as what God has in store for me next. This I am certain, but today I choose to worship with my church family, to take my God-children to the movies, to laugh with friends, and to be the best I can be at my job. I believe all these things are part of God preparing me to move on, but at the same time, to not take for granted what he has given me today.

Not long after I got laid off from Trinity, I was hanging out w/ my friend, Becky, sharing my concerns over how I was going to survive once my compensation ran out. Thankfully my Starbucks manager rehired me without a blink of an eye, but considering most of 2010 was working both there and at the church, I was taking a significant pay cut. Now I don't consider myself someone who needs a lot of money to live on, however, I made some poor choices in my younger days that I'm still paying for (literally) so that on top of the typical necessities (rent, utilities, food, phone, insurance, etc.) depletes my paycheck in a matter of seconds. Becky had been to a Thiry-One party a few months back and thought it would be something I would be good at. As I flipped through their catalog, I immediately thought of 10 people that would not only buy their stuff, but would happily throw a party for their friends to come and buy stuff too. It's a Christian-based company (Thirty-One is connected to the Proverbs 31 woman) that sells different types of bags in a variety of different patterns, along with cute stuff for kids...perfect for the Ruston scene. PLUS, I can sell it from anywhere if I do decide to move on at some point. This Thursday I'll be hosting an open house for my friends and family who have expressed interest in hosting a party for me. I'm really excited to see where this road leads. Stay tuned. Oh, and go check out my website!

God and I have been in a wrestling match for some time now. Ask my friends, they can tell you. I've prayed broad prayers, I've prayed specific prayers, I've prayed for His will to be done, I've even asked for my will to be done. I mean, c'mon, I have a front row seat in my own life. I think I have a pretty clear idea where my life should go. One of the many things I love about God is how when we pray for specific things, he often answers in ways we never could've imagined. I've laughed a lot this week at his sense of humor. Of course, I've also yelled and cried, but he continues to take it all in, like the good Father that He is. God has called me to be bold in my prayers. I've struggled with this in the past because I was afraid of being disappointed. Praying boldly doesn't mean He's going to give me exactly what I ask for. If that were the case I would be trapped in an unhealthy and unhappy marriage with someone I thought was my soul mate. God thankfully saved me from that many years ago and now, looking back I can see that although that was by far one of the most painful times of my life, it wasn't right. Why is it that we have this tendency to march forward with our plans without consulting Him first? Has He not proved faithful time and time again? Not to mention that when we do stray to follow our own path, He's right there when we realize how stupid we are and leads us back to where we need to be. Of course, it's through those detours that we learn and grow. So today, I continue to pray boldly and I'm trusting that the outcome will be beyond my imagination. Thanks to those of you who are continuing to pray boldly with me.

How often have we heard this quote, "Life is a journey, not a destination." Those of us that are believers in Christ are obviously looking toward our eternal destiny, but what about our time here on Earth? How do we manage the journey that lies before us? I've been thinking about this a lot lately (thanks in part to Brian's sermon on Sunday). Sometimes being part of the journey is exhilarating, fun, exciting. Other times, it's just down right hell, but all parts are significant in shaping us into who we were created to be. Those of you who've been reading my blog for awhile know that 2011 has been less than a stellar year. I've experienced job loss, relationship loss, financial struggles, depression, feelings of inadequacy and failure, etc. But, at the same time I've learned what it means to rely on God and to accept support from the people God's placed around me. It's a humbling thing. As one who finds satisfaction in mapping things out and making plans, I've had to learn to just be still, sometimes be spontaneous, and allow myself to just...fall. I'm learning that it's okay to fight for what I want, even if the end result is NOT getting what I want. I'm trusting that through those experiences God is still about the business of leading me to something different, something better. Many of you have been asking about my future, about school, about relocating. I still don't have a definitive answer. (I know what I want, but....) I'm still praying fervently for God's direction and discernment on this and I have a host of people standing in the gap for me, speaking truth when my heart gets the best of me. I'm in the process of creating a dream journal. I know that sounds a little cheesy, but as I've mentioned before, I've never been good at just allowing myself to dream. I'm a realist, sometimes to the point of being a pessimist. I've had my heart broken one too many times, I suppose and as much as I hate to admit it, it often dictates how I respond to things. I have a stop and go mentality at times. I'll be moving along and something triggers something in me that tells me to stop, to retreat when really I just need to push through. Of course, there are times when retreating is a good option. It's a balance I haven't quite mastered yet. Here's to the journey.

enchanted + february 23rd + avocado green + method + justin bieber + coffee addict + christmas + moving + eyes that light up + stalker skills + grace + leather pants + food snob + 500 days of summer + moving + target + calista flockhart + twitter + cake pops + aluminum + pure awesome + moving + mustard + killian + kind bars + boston + steak + pink ruffly shirt + depth + brothers & sisters + moving + downtown walks at night + bacon + earth fare + good will hunting + laughter + red hair + moving + glee + sweet smile + storyteller + sprinklers + the lazy song + coconut + jewish butcher + peanut butter + starbucks + moving + "listen..." + 744 miles by car, 757 miles by foot + great hugs + anytime fitness + midtown + community + talking washer & dryer + moving + sarcasm + park + rufkin + state capitol + fall + jesus + 3 months later...still enchanted.

Earlier this week, one of my Starbucks regulars (who coincidentally is also a psychology prof at Tech) asked me why I wanted to pursue my Masters in Counseling. I think I just stared at him. It’s not that I haven’t thought about this question, but I wasn’t prepared to give a well-developed answer at that moment. I think I ended up saying something like, “Why, not?” and we moved on. I had conversation with another friend who’s in grad school a few days later. We started talking about what we would major in if we could start all over. I often wonder if I would’ve been better off if I had pursued my Counseling degree at Asbury instead of my MDiv. I mean, I’m not using my MDiv, and you don’t need a fancy degree to do ministry, at least not the kind of ministry I’m called to. But, the truth of the matter is, there’s no going back. Although I feel overwhelmed sometimes at the amount of money it cost for me to get that fancy MDiv, I know God used that time for a purpose and he will continue to use it as he weaves my life into a tapestry of new experiences. I just have to trust that. I’m one that’s always looking for the purpose behind things, why certain people are brought into our lives, why specific things turn out the way they do, etc. Those questions are usually never answered right away, and unfortunately sometimes they’re never answered at all.

So…getting back to my “Why counseling?” question. I’ve found that most of the time when people are seeking counseling, they are not looking for someone to solve all their problems. They’re looking for someone who will listen and help them process whatever it is they’re going thru. And, they want to know that they’re not alone. Let’s face it, when we face a challenge in our lives, we immediately think that no one could ever understand what we’re dealing with or they may not accept us. What we hopefully find out when we allow ourselves to share our true thoughts and feelings (which sometimes seem crazy to us), is that the person we finally open to has gone thru something similar and wants to journey with as we seek Christ together. These are my favorite moments of ministry. It’s the pulse of what Christ was trying to do when he was here on Earth.

“God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again.” (John 3:17, The Message)

This is my heart. I want people, specifically women, to know that they are not alone in whatever they are struggling with and with the help of some further education, to offer some additional tools and resources to move forward on their journey to wholeness.

I did it. I applied for grad school (again). I signed up to take the GRE (tomorrow). I filled out the FAFSA (gulp). I'm no longer dragging my feet. I'm moving forward (finally). I met with my friend, Tracy a couple of weeks ago. We graduated from Tech together and she's been in the program for 2 years. As we were discussing everything, she looked at me and said, "You earned an MDiv from Asbury, why in the world are you so nervous about starting grad school at Tech?" It's a valid question. I guess it's due, in large part, to the fact that I haven't been in school since 2006. My 5 year hiatus has made me question whether I can hack being a student again. She assures me I can. So, if all goes as planned I'll be enrolled in the Masters of Counseling program at LA Tech by the Fall. Stay tuned.

Most of you know that I've been a GLEE fan since it's conception. Between the performances and the offhand one-liners from Sue Sylvester, I'm always entertained. Last night's episode blew me out of the water. Now initially I wasn't overly excited about it. From the previews and the episode's title, "Born This Way," I was under the impression that it was going to be Gaga-centered. I found myself rolling my eyes. A) I'm not a huge Gaga fan, and B) They've already done Gaga. Can we please move on to someone else? However, from the beginning of the episode I found myself falling in love. Each week Mr. Schuester gives the Glee club a musical assignment based on a theme. This week's assignment was to name what they considered their biggest flaw and put it into song. As the episode unfolds, we watch as they begin to wrestle with these so-called flaws and embrace them. They learn the valuable lesson that we all need to learn: those "flaws" in ourselves that we hate are the very things that make us unique in who we are created to be. The episode wraps up with the Glee club performing Gaga's "Born This Way" dressed in white t-shirts with a word or phrase depicting what they were once ashamed of at the beginning of the episode. Pure genius.

Sadly, it's getting a lot of criticism because the issue of gay bullying comes up again as Kurt decides to return to McKinley High. Some are saying this episode, along with others, is promoting Ryan Murphy's "gay agenda" as it seeks to bring about gay tolerance. I completely disagree. Although this episode did deal with homosexuality, it also dealt with Emma's OCD disorder, Rachel's desire to change her nose, Lauren's campaign to be Prom Queen despite her atypical appearance, and a host of other things. We can't downplay what's happening around us. Gay bullying has been a huge issue as of late. If anything, I think Ryan Murphy is trying to get us to take a new approach of not just tolerance, but acceptance of real people who struggle with real issues. Is that not who we are called to be as the Body of Christ? The truth is we were all born with the need to be loved and accepted for who we are, even those parts of ourselves that we find ugly. The transformation that occurs when we begin to accept ourselves is just plain beautiful.

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I just gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I gotta be me
~Sammy Davis Jr.

Yeah, I choked up this morning as I walked out my door.
It’s been the same routine for years now and It’s time I let it go.
It’s sad enough to leave a place I’ve grown to love.
But, I can’t take the same old scene. I need some fresh air to my soul.

And I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.
I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.

I take it like a grain of salt I’m shaking...to the other side I’ll roll.
I’m letting go of all my worries but not of my control.
And it’s hard enough to leave, but it’s better now I’m gone.
Cause Everyone needs someone sometimes…but sometimes we’ve got to be alone.

And I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.
I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.

Now, nothing lasts forever baby. So take it like a precious dream.
Cause when dreams fade to nothing, you’ve got to let yourself go and be free.

You've got to let yourself go and be free.

My dear friend Kari gave birth to her 3rd beautiful child a couple of weeks ago. I can't tell you how much this blog post made me weep for joy after walking with her thru her last two somewhat scary deliveries. Meet Ingrid. And if you like what you read here, check out the rest of her blog. Kari's a superwoman. She walked with me thru the hardest heartbreak of my life 12 years ago and although we've lived miles apart for most of our friendship, she's been a huge encourager, cheerleader, prayer warrior, and pen-pal.

I've had so many conversations lately about being an adult and the responsibility that comes with it. When I was a teenager and even in college, I rarely thought about money, other than when it came time to pay bills, Mom and Dad got a phone call:) I'm an only child and I'll admit, I was pretty spoiled. I have incredibly generous parents. My mom loved to buy me things, especially clothes. My grandmother was the same way. I've inherited their love of gift-giving. If you've known me for very long, you've probably experienced my gift-giving at some point. I seriously love giving gifts (and cards), but not just any gift. It's always something thought out and pertinent to that person. Despite that, my parents and grandmother did instill in me that life is not all about money and possessions. I used to go with my grandmother to visit people who were homebound (& bring them gifts). At a young age I learned that I wanted to serve and help other people. This is what led me to Chicago right after college, where I was immersed in serving the poor and building relationships with homeless people. I loved it. Unfortunately it didn't provide enough for me financially to pay back my student loans every month, but it did confirm what I had already figured out in college....God was calling me into ministry. So the next logical step was seminary, where I gained so much more insight into who I am and built life-long friendships with amazing people, in addition to getting a top-notch education. And I accrued more student loans. Now, 3 months after getting laid off from a salaried position at a church, a little burned-out, and still in debt, I wrestle with going back to school. I feel like I'm dragging my feet. I guess, in a way, I am. I jumped in with both feet when God called me to seminary. I also signed that Promissory Note for my student loans without any hesitation, thinking that my commitment to pay them back was way way in the future and I would have a stable job that would provide for me to pay them back. I want to finish my Masters in Counseling, I do, but at what cost? Will I be able to pay for it? Right now I know I can't. Do I really want to take out more student loans in hopes that once I finish I'll get a job that will allow me to pay those back plus what I already have?

This weekend I was supposed to go to Houston to see The Avett Brothers in concert with April and a couple of our other friends. We bought the tickets when I was there for New Years, pre-layoff. We found out today that the concert has been rescheduled for next month due to one of the band member's wife having a baby. Last month, Sarah and I were supposed to see The Civil Wars in New Orleans and the week of we found out they had to reschedule due to laryngitis. That's 2 for 2 concert fails. I went to New Orleans anyway. I wasn't sure when Sarah and I would see each other again with our crazy schedules and it was much needed for both of us. I decided today that I would be responsible and NOT go to Houston this weekend and save that money. It was not a decision made without much agonizing and justification that since I had the days off from work, I should go anyway.

But, this is what being an adult means.... Can I go back to Kindergarten now?

This morning I woke up & thought, "It's time to move." I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought this before; but there was always something attached to it: a broken relationship, frustration with job, general dissatisfaction with Ruston. None of that's really the case right now. However, when I got laid off from Trinity back in January, I knew God was officially releasing me from here. Actually, I think he released me back in the summer...the lay-off has felt more like a swift kick in the rear to move on. I still want to go back to school & pursue a degree in counseling or social work. I'm just not sure where. The great thing about working for Starbucks is that I can transfer anywhere. I feel like these last couple of months have been a time of training as I moved into a Shift Supervisor role & it's renewed my love for the company. I had lost that when I was working there AND the church...probably because I was just so damn tired all the time. Now there will be plenty I'm leaving behind here...my parents, my God-children, & some great friends, but the great thing about home is you can always come back. As I was listening to the sermon this morning, a couple of things rose to the surface: I have grown stagnant here & as hard as change can be, great faith never comes without great risk & unfortunately, rarely isn't unaccompanied by fear. So, I ask that you pray as I seek out the Lord's discernment on this & I wait for him to open doors because I surely can't do this without him. Now I must go because my God-daughter is yelling at me to play with her:-)

If anyone had told me what was in store for 2011, I probably wouldn't have believed them. I'm kind of glad we don't know our future. God knows I'd be in a constant state of anxiety 24/7. The last 6 weeks have been nothing short of humbling and somewhat transformational. I've had to learn to let go of what my life was, the security I held in a salaried income, and even a good friend. Honestly, losing the job was nothing compared to losing my friend. I wish I had some great insight into that, but honestly I don't. I've always been told that there are friends that you have for a season and then there are the friends you have for life. I guess I just didn't realize our season would only last a little over a year. Another friend sent me this quote not too long ago, "Don't save room for somebody in your life who makes no effort to want to stay." Although I think it's dead-on, I have a hard time letting go, especially when there's no explanation or closure, but I'm doing the best I can & trusting that it's all for the better. I will always love this person and one day maybe I won't want to punch them in the face when I see them or hear about them from someone else.

I'm also trying to focus on other things, school being a primary one. I'm in the process of finding out info on finishing my counseling degree here at Tech while continuing to work at Starbucks. The program is 30 hours of class work and then 15 hours of practicum/internship. I'm hoping to transfer a few classes in from Asbury to cut it down even more! Would love prayers for this. I'm still not sure where the money's going to come from, but I know that God will provide if it's the right step.

Last Tuesday afternoon, I got a phone call from my boss asking if I could come talk to him for a few minutes. From the tone in his voice, I knew it couldn’t be good. With butterflies in my stomach, I made my way back to the church. When I got there, I not only found Jerry but Brian as well, waiting for me. It was then my heart sank. We sat down and made some small talk and finally Jerry broke the news. Due to budget cuts, my position at the church is being laid off. I’ve never experienced a conversation like this before, but I can imagine there’s just no positive way to go about that. Both Jerry and Brian were very affirming of my gifts and have been super supportive in doing whatever it takes to get me back on my feet. Although I was initially shocked and upset about the news, I quickly moved into survival mode, trying to discern what my next step will be. (I’m also a delayed reactor. Ask April about the apartment fire of 2002!) I called Corey, my Starbucks manager and on Monday I returned back to Starbucks. He offered me a new position as a shift supervisor, so although the pay will be significantly less, I’m grateful to have a job to go back to. What I’ve realized through all this is how quick I am to take care of other people, but not so quick to allow other people to take care of me and that’s what I really need right now. As long as I’m busy I’m fine. It’s when I have time to just be still and think that I get anxious. I’ve had the last couple of days off and although it’s been good to get caught up on laundry and the like, I feel restless. I have no idea what the future holds. It’s exciting but it’s also scary. I like to be control. Let’s face it, who doesn’t? What I do know is that I want to finish my counseling degree. It’s always been in the back of my mind, but after several conversations and some soul-searching the last couple of weeks, I really want to do it. It’s the how, when, and where I’m not sure about. Ideally I would love to finish at Asbury since that’s where I earned my MDiv, but school of any kind is expensive, even moreso there. It may be that I continue working at Starbucks and take one class a semester online for the time being. I’m just not sure and for a planner, that’s a little daunting.

While I was packing up my office earlier this week, I saw this fortune taped to my computer. I remember the day I read it. Aren’t we all looking for that gift of contentment? I had become so complacent with my life that I didn’t even realize how un-content I was. Although I miss my co-workers like crazy, I wasn’t content in my job. And since I wasn’t really doing anything about that, I guess God decided to give me a little push towards something better. Don’t get me wrong, I learned a ton while I was there and I’m so grateful that Trinity allowed me the opportunity to work there and gain experience. Now I’m trying to take life one day at a time, cherish the incredible support I have from my wonderful friends and family, and enjoy the journey.

P.S. Happy Belated Birthday to my wonderful friend, Kari Curtis! Miss you, friend!

It’s my first Saturday that I no longer work at Starbucks…well, technically it’s my second, but since I was out of town last weekend, I don’t really count it. I still have mixed emotions about quitting. I don’t miss the early mornings, but today as I was hanging out at home I felt like something wasn’t right, like I was being irresponsible because I wasn’t at work. I have a feeling this will pass quickly when I begin to enjoy having Saturdays back to do as I wish. Earlier this week, my friend, Dan commented on my last blog post. He petitioned me to be more disciplined about sharing my thoughts on here on a more regular basis, to continue taking those steps toward vulnerability. He caught me on a weird day. I immediately thought if I shared with the blogosphere my honest thoughts on this particular day, it might not fare well. But alas, he has a point. We are drawn to people who are honest because they essentially say what we may have been thinking at some point in life. So, here’s my first new year’s confession. I’ve discovered that I don’t share people, or rather, people’s attention very well. I attribute a lot of this to being an only child. I never had to share my parents with anyone. It’s still a mystery to me how parents love all their children equally and manage to give them each a sufficient amount of themselves. I will say that Claire having kids has helped with this. When Garrett was born 11 years ago, I remember thinking there’s no way I could ever love another kid as much as I love him. Three years later Grant was born and I realized it was possible. Now we have Avery and I can’t remember what our lives were like before she entered the world 3 and ½ years ago. Even still, I prefer spending time with them one-on-one instead of all together. I like to be able to focus on one person at a time. That’s more of a personality trait, I guess. I want to give them my undivided attention, which basically boils down to this: when I’m with other people, I like all their attention to be on meJ It makes me feel important, like what I say matters to them. Of course, the rise of technology does not aid in this dilemma. Excuse me while I get on this soapbox again, but in this day and age, it’s not other people’s physical presence you have to worry about, but who’s on the other end of their phone or computer. It’s not uncommon to find two people hanging out in the same location, yet chatting with one friend on some form of instant chat on their computer and texting on their phone all while having a conversation with the person they’re with. Must we be this accessible? Are we that important? Maybe we like to feel that we are or we’re trying to get that age-old need of connecting with other people met. Yet, it seems to me that with all these new ways of connecting, we’re more disconnected than we’ve ever been. Our conversations are typically surface and superficial because they can be or because that’s all we have energy for when we’re talking to multiple people at the same time. So here’s my plea, people. The next time you’re in the same room with someone, put down your cell phone, close your laptop, and enjoy the person that’s in front of you. Is this too much to ask?