grace eventually.

Coping with depression is not easy. There are days when I choose to stay in bed and hide under the covers all day. It’s not necessarily productive, but sometimes it’s what I need. For those of you who struggle with depression, I’ve decided to share a few of my personal forms of therapy with you. Now in order for this therapy to be effective, it often times requires laying down your pride and asking for help. I struggle with this often, but the truth is, we can’t survive on our own. None of us can.

Family. When I moved to Columbia, the Syferts graciously let me live with them for six months. During that time I fell even more in love with their two girls. Since then I have asked them if I could use their home as a place of refuge when my depression is heightened. They welcome me any time, no questions asked, no invitation needed. I am so grateful for them and the way they love me.
Creating. I love projects. I think that’s why my home is always changing. I get restless and need to create something. Whether it’s painting a canvas, taking pictures, or making Christmas ornaments, this is a way for me to calm my soul. It doesn’t have to be something extravagant. It’s really just about finding a hobby, something you enjoy doing.
Community. One of the first things God blessed me with upon my arrival to Columbia was my Community Group. I sort of fell in to them since the Syferts were already a part, but it’s a perfect fit. One thing I especially appreciate about them is how they take care of me and want to be a part of my life: the good, the bad, and the ugly. We are a broken group who desires to love well and to show that love to the people we encounter on a daily basis.
Walking. Now this one is not always my first go to, but it’s one of those things that is good for me not just emotionally, but physically. There’s a park close to my house that I’ve found that’s perfect to disengage with the world for a while and reconnect with God through creation.
Killian. My dog, Merlot, lives with my parents. I’m not allowed to have a dog in my apartment, plus Merlot’s grandparents refuse to part with her, but in the meantime, I’ve met a wonderful, sweet, loving 60lb lab named Killian. She and I have weekly sleepovers and she provides me with a great deal of comfort when she’s around. I can talk to her about anything and I know my secrets are safe with her and it doesn’t change how she feels about me:-)
Gilmore Girls. This is a silly one, I know, but I love this show. It’s witty, clean, and full of eclectic people you grow to love. I own all seven seasons and I have it on rotation in my DVD player quite often. I enjoy disengaging at the end of the day by watching an episode or two. It just works for me.

The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. -Aristotle

Recently I was visiting a friend on my way back from Columbia after a few days at home. His brother and I somehow got into a conversation about depression. He was sharing about a girl he knew who had committed suicide. He talked about how she always came across as one of those people who typically seemed happy all the time. As the conversation continued, he mentioned that he didn’t understand how anyone could end their lives voluntarily. I sort of cringed. This is a common statement for people who have never dealt with depression. Now before anyone starts calling any emergency hotlines (MOM), let me set the record straight. I am not suicidal. However, I will admit I have been so far in the depths of depression that I have prayed to God to just take me. In moments like these, I know I’m not rational. The pain overtakes everything else and it’s hard to see past it. After talking to close friends and my counselor, I decided that a therapeutic way for me to deal with my own depression would be to write about it. My hope is that my writing will be informative, especially for those who have never struggled with depression. Now, I’m not an expert on the subject. Most of my writing will be from a personal standpoint. 

Good morning, friends!

I've been given the incredible opportunity to guest blog for my friends over at Single Roots! I really believe in what they're doing. Check out my first post for them here and let me know what you think!

Last December I made the commitment to give running a shot. I downloaded the Couch to 5K app on my phone, asked my good friend, Becca to run with me and off we went. What I wasn't anticipating was how unprepared I really was. Two weeks in, I developed a serious case of knee tendinitis in BOTH knees. If you've ever experienced anything like this, it's painful as hell! The cause: BAD SHOES. I didn't take into account that my cool New Balance kicks that I had worn forever (because I liked the way they looked) may not be the best option for actual running. So, I had to hang up my running shoes for a few weeks, let my body heal, and start over. In January, I went to a great running store in Monroe called Fit Right Active. They put me in a pair of running shoes, got me on a treadmill, and watched me run for 60 seconds. What I learned was that when I run, my feet pronate. Now I could get into the technicality of what that means, but basically it's just how my feet hit the ground when I run. From this observation, they were able to offer me four brands of shoes that would work best for me. I chose Asics and they have yet to let me down. Although I'm still a newbie in the running world, I can now say with pride that I can run one mile without stopping. Now, I look like a geriatric when I'm running, and I want to quit pretty much the whole time, but I can do it. The beginning of May, I participated in my first 5K here in Columbia with my friend, Jamison and finished in under 45 minutes. I wish I could say I've developed this great love of running, but I really haven't. I keep running though because I know it's good for me to be active and because at some point I would like to be able to run an entire 5K, preferably before I turn 36.

As much as I hate to physically run, I've noticed that when it comes to my spiritual and emotional life, I'm an avid runner. When things get hard, I want to run. I don't want to sit in my pain or deal with what's going on around me. It just seems so much easier to run away, to distract myself with something else until it fades away. Of course, this logic doesn't work. We can't run from our problems entirely. We can try to leave them behind for a little while, but they're still waiting for us when we return. God's been working on my heart lately when it comes to running. I'm uncomfortable in my pain. I want it to go away. I want Him to move in a different direction that brings me peace and comfort and essentially give me what I WANT. Unfortunately, what we want isn't always what's best for us. We can never see this when we're in the midst of hard times. We see what's right in front of us, God sees the whole picture. So today, I'm sitting in my pain with a band of amazing people praying me through it. I will be running (or flying) to Austin next weekend to spend some time with my best friend, April, but what I'm hoping is that it will offer me some time to reflect and gain some perspective so that when I return to Columbia, I can face my pain head on and trust that God knows what he's doing.

I have been constructing a blog post in my head for the last couple of weeks, but when I sit down to write, I feel stuck. So instead, I've decided to share some key points I've learned over the last two and a half weeks:

I've been trying to remember what it felt like my first days at Starbucks Ruston. After almost 5 years with predominantly the same team, they became my family. Today was my first day at my new store here in Columbia (technically Lexington). Everyone I met, from partners to customers, were super nice. The layout is a lot different from what I'm used to, but part of the fun is getting lost in the store, I suppose. My only real complaint is my schedule. I close all weekend, then 4 nights next week, including my birthday. Amber, my manager, seemed willing to work with me on this as I am not a night person. Obviously, I know that closing is something to be expected, but hopefully not every night! In the meantime, I'm enjoying sleeping in!

....Going thru the grief process after I got here. Yesterday was an emotional day for me, filled with excitement of starting something new, yet missing things and people back home. Luke and Lauren threw me a surprise "Welcome to Columbia" party last night. Thankfully they gave me an hour heads-up, which I was very grateful for. I'm an introvert, as most of you who know me well, know about me. Plus I wasn't feeling the greatest physically yesterday, so I think, Lauren, especially, was worried about me, but it was great meeting people from their church and wondering a year from now if I'll be connected to any of them beyond acquaintance level.

I've officially made it to Columbia. I know I've been silent the last couple of months as I've prepared for this day, but honestly I never anticipated how busy I would be packing up and saying goodbye to loved ones. And this past week was no exception. Wednesday was my last official day at my store in Ruston. Thursday I woke up and drove to Baton Rouge to visit my friends, Sarah and Hannah, and to meet Baby Evan! Friday, Jamison flew into New Orleans from Columbia to spend the weekend and to drive back to Columbia with me. I have to tell you, the boy's a trooper. After getting lost in New Orleans several times causing us to leave there at 7p, then having to ride with me in the car for 5 more hours after waking up at 3a that morning. He never complained once nor fell asleep on me. Saturday he met several of my friends (and family), and even endured a 12-year-old's basketball game (where they don't keep score). That night he sat by me as I watched my beautiful friend, Jennifer get married. Yesterday we left Ruston around 9a after getting our first cup of coffee (of several) and stopping by to say goodbye to the God-children. 13 hours later we made it to Columbia, exhausted. Again, he never complained and refused to go to sleep after I told him to several times. I'm not sure I tell him enough how thankful I am for him. He makes me laugh often and continuously offers me encouragement when I'm frustrated, and worse tired. I'm not the most pleasant person when I'm tired (or hungry). I'm sure he's figured this out by now. Hopefully that won't deter him to give up on me since we live in the same city now.

I recently read a great blog post on singleness, specifically being a "Single Lady". Thank you, Beyonce, for writing a song just for us, by the way. After posting it to my Facebook, one of my married friends commented on how grateful she was to read it & how she appreciated hearing what we single gals go through. It's interesting to me how so many of my married girlfriends have "forgotten" what it's like to be single. Now granted I have a lot of friends who got married right out of elementary school, I mean high school, so they probably have forgotten, but I feel like its something I'll never forget, even after I've been married for awhile. After reading Lincee's post, it got me thinking about rituals that have been bestowed upon the single girl, such as the bouquet toss at weddings. Now don't get me wrong, I'm sure it's intent was to be a fun way to include those of us who are unfortunate to show up to a wedding unwed, or God forbid , dateless, but I rarely find women who are excited about showcasing their singleness at a wedding, so why must we parade ourselves to the middle of the floor for all to watch as we humiliatingly wait for the bride to peg one of us with her bouquet? Not to mention that as we get older we find ourselves surrounded by 20-somethings or even worse, standing there alone. Even as I'm honored to have a cute boy on my arm at a friend's wedding this weekend, I can honestly say, I still do not want to be "singled" out. It's really not good for the self-esteem & it causes one to think that singleness is not good or meant to be celebrated. It is. Now I do want to get married some day, to the man God chooses for me, but in the meantime, I want to feel like my singleness is as much to be celebrated as getting married or having a baby. I realize it may not be as exciting or glamorous, but it's certainly not worth the looks of pity or concern that older women in particular like to pass down.