grace eventually.

I shared this with our college Sunday School class yesterday.

"God can handle what you're thinking.
God can handle how you're feeling.
God can handle what you're saying.
Prayer, if it's anything, is truth.
It's being honest with your maker."

I’ve been thinking about this lately. Apparently I inspire people in random ways. For Jennifer, I inspired her to put down peel & stick tile in her bathroom and kitchen. Have I mentioned that my kitchen tiles are literally being held down by invisible packing tape at the moment? For Chris, it’s my random, so very easy therapeutic art projects using masking tape and paint. For Aaron, it was coming up with the name of his blog, Modern JAC. At the end of the day, is there anything else about my life that inspires others? I can’t really answer that question. I can only hope that the way I genuinely love the people in my life inspires. I pray that my attempt to be authentic in this blog inspires. Most of all, it’s my desire that my messy, unconventional, sometimes considered liberal, faith is what inspires people. As one of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott says, "There's always something ending and something beginning. Yet in the very center is the truth of your spiritual identity: you. Fabulous, hilarious, darling, screwed-up you. Beloved of God and of your truest deepest self, the self that is revealed when tears wash off the makeup and grime." I think even when we feel like our lives are upside down, we can inspire others. This morning I was talking to my friend, Dana and she mentioned that someone once told her that our pain has purpose, it’s not wasted. I certainly like to believe that in the midst of my pain I can still be inspiring to someone else who may be going through the same thing. In Pete Wilson’s book, “Plan B” he says, “Begin to trust and believe that maybe, just maybe, there is someone in your life who can and will speak those healing words, me too.” As I’ve mentioned before, getting to that place where I can even share my pain is hard, but to hear those words, “me too” brings about a calm in the midst of what feels like chaos. At least for me anyway. So thanks to so many of you who have offered up a “me too” when I needed it. You inspire me.

I’ve been stuck on this song by Paramore lately, not necessarily because I like it but because I find the lyrics so powerful and so true for many of us who have been hurt by “love” along the way. Love the video.

And I’ve always lived this way

Keeping a comfortable distance

And up until now I had sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

This has been my own personal motto most of my life I’m sad to say. I tend to keep people at arm’s length because I’ve bought into this idea that I’m going to end up hurt and alone. I choose relationships that I think are “safe” because I can predict the outcome. What I’ve learned, however, is that no relationship is really safe when your heart is invested. I’ve been meeting with a counselor for the last few months and she’s challenged me to look at my relationships from my childhood on to see where my fear of rejection and abandonment stem from. The obvious is always being the best friend, which eventually leads to me having to give up that friendship when he gets married or at least setting some pretty hard-core boundaries. I even had one of these guys tell me once that he wished he could find a girl like me. Um, what does that mean? It’s hard not to hear words like that and not ponder the age-old question, “What’s wrong with me?” Sixth grade was quite the formidable year. I had a couple of crushes that year…one kid flipped me off on the school bus, the other, well, we were both humiliated by our wonderful math teacher when she picked up a note I was writing to my still best-friend, Claire, and read it to the entire class! I think that’s a scar that’s yet to heal. It was years before I could look at that guy again without wanting to sink into the floor. My counselor was probably right in saying that no one else in that class probably remembers it, but I do. The truth is, we all have stories like this. It’s what makes songs like Paramore’s so popular. If you listen to the entire song, the chorus says “You are the only exception.” Eventually we do find someone who rises above the rest whether it be a good friend, a mentor, a parent, or hopefully one day, a spouse. I’m lucky in that I have great friends who don’t allow me to keep them at arm’s distance and when I attempt to push away, they push back. It’s not always easy and I still get hurt, but it’s always hurt can grow from.