grace eventually.

I've had so many conversations lately about being an adult and the responsibility that comes with it. When I was a teenager and even in college, I rarely thought about money, other than when it came time to pay bills, Mom and Dad got a phone call:) I'm an only child and I'll admit, I was pretty spoiled. I have incredibly generous parents. My mom loved to buy me things, especially clothes. My grandmother was the same way. I've inherited their love of gift-giving. If you've known me for very long, you've probably experienced my gift-giving at some point. I seriously love giving gifts (and cards), but not just any gift. It's always something thought out and pertinent to that person. Despite that, my parents and grandmother did instill in me that life is not all about money and possessions. I used to go with my grandmother to visit people who were homebound (& bring them gifts). At a young age I learned that I wanted to serve and help other people. This is what led me to Chicago right after college, where I was immersed in serving the poor and building relationships with homeless people. I loved it. Unfortunately it didn't provide enough for me financially to pay back my student loans every month, but it did confirm what I had already figured out in college....God was calling me into ministry. So the next logical step was seminary, where I gained so much more insight into who I am and built life-long friendships with amazing people, in addition to getting a top-notch education. And I accrued more student loans. Now, 3 months after getting laid off from a salaried position at a church, a little burned-out, and still in debt, I wrestle with going back to school. I feel like I'm dragging my feet. I guess, in a way, I am. I jumped in with both feet when God called me to seminary. I also signed that Promissory Note for my student loans without any hesitation, thinking that my commitment to pay them back was way way in the future and I would have a stable job that would provide for me to pay them back. I want to finish my Masters in Counseling, I do, but at what cost? Will I be able to pay for it? Right now I know I can't. Do I really want to take out more student loans in hopes that once I finish I'll get a job that will allow me to pay those back plus what I already have?

This weekend I was supposed to go to Houston to see The Avett Brothers in concert with April and a couple of our other friends. We bought the tickets when I was there for New Years, pre-layoff. We found out today that the concert has been rescheduled for next month due to one of the band member's wife having a baby. Last month, Sarah and I were supposed to see The Civil Wars in New Orleans and the week of we found out they had to reschedule due to laryngitis. That's 2 for 2 concert fails. I went to New Orleans anyway. I wasn't sure when Sarah and I would see each other again with our crazy schedules and it was much needed for both of us. I decided today that I would be responsible and NOT go to Houston this weekend and save that money. It was not a decision made without much agonizing and justification that since I had the days off from work, I should go anyway.

But, this is what being an adult means.... Can I go back to Kindergarten now?