grace eventually.

Last Tuesday afternoon, I got a phone call from my boss asking if I could come talk to him for a few minutes. From the tone in his voice, I knew it couldn’t be good. With butterflies in my stomach, I made my way back to the church. When I got there, I not only found Jerry but Brian as well, waiting for me. It was then my heart sank. We sat down and made some small talk and finally Jerry broke the news. Due to budget cuts, my position at the church is being laid off. I’ve never experienced a conversation like this before, but I can imagine there’s just no positive way to go about that. Both Jerry and Brian were very affirming of my gifts and have been super supportive in doing whatever it takes to get me back on my feet. Although I was initially shocked and upset about the news, I quickly moved into survival mode, trying to discern what my next step will be. (I’m also a delayed reactor. Ask April about the apartment fire of 2002!) I called Corey, my Starbucks manager and on Monday I returned back to Starbucks. He offered me a new position as a shift supervisor, so although the pay will be significantly less, I’m grateful to have a job to go back to. What I’ve realized through all this is how quick I am to take care of other people, but not so quick to allow other people to take care of me and that’s what I really need right now. As long as I’m busy I’m fine. It’s when I have time to just be still and think that I get anxious. I’ve had the last couple of days off and although it’s been good to get caught up on laundry and the like, I feel restless. I have no idea what the future holds. It’s exciting but it’s also scary. I like to be control. Let’s face it, who doesn’t? What I do know is that I want to finish my counseling degree. It’s always been in the back of my mind, but after several conversations and some soul-searching the last couple of weeks, I really want to do it. It’s the how, when, and where I’m not sure about. Ideally I would love to finish at Asbury since that’s where I earned my MDiv, but school of any kind is expensive, even moreso there. It may be that I continue working at Starbucks and take one class a semester online for the time being. I’m just not sure and for a planner, that’s a little daunting.

While I was packing up my office earlier this week, I saw this fortune taped to my computer. I remember the day I read it. Aren’t we all looking for that gift of contentment? I had become so complacent with my life that I didn’t even realize how un-content I was. Although I miss my co-workers like crazy, I wasn’t content in my job. And since I wasn’t really doing anything about that, I guess God decided to give me a little push towards something better. Don’t get me wrong, I learned a ton while I was there and I’m so grateful that Trinity allowed me the opportunity to work there and gain experience. Now I’m trying to take life one day at a time, cherish the incredible support I have from my wonderful friends and family, and enjoy the journey.

P.S. Happy Belated Birthday to my wonderful friend, Kari Curtis! Miss you, friend!

It’s my first Saturday that I no longer work at Starbucks…well, technically it’s my second, but since I was out of town last weekend, I don’t really count it. I still have mixed emotions about quitting. I don’t miss the early mornings, but today as I was hanging out at home I felt like something wasn’t right, like I was being irresponsible because I wasn’t at work. I have a feeling this will pass quickly when I begin to enjoy having Saturdays back to do as I wish. Earlier this week, my friend, Dan commented on my last blog post. He petitioned me to be more disciplined about sharing my thoughts on here on a more regular basis, to continue taking those steps toward vulnerability. He caught me on a weird day. I immediately thought if I shared with the blogosphere my honest thoughts on this particular day, it might not fare well. But alas, he has a point. We are drawn to people who are honest because they essentially say what we may have been thinking at some point in life. So, here’s my first new year’s confession. I’ve discovered that I don’t share people, or rather, people’s attention very well. I attribute a lot of this to being an only child. I never had to share my parents with anyone. It’s still a mystery to me how parents love all their children equally and manage to give them each a sufficient amount of themselves. I will say that Claire having kids has helped with this. When Garrett was born 11 years ago, I remember thinking there’s no way I could ever love another kid as much as I love him. Three years later Grant was born and I realized it was possible. Now we have Avery and I can’t remember what our lives were like before she entered the world 3 and ½ years ago. Even still, I prefer spending time with them one-on-one instead of all together. I like to be able to focus on one person at a time. That’s more of a personality trait, I guess. I want to give them my undivided attention, which basically boils down to this: when I’m with other people, I like all their attention to be on meJ It makes me feel important, like what I say matters to them. Of course, the rise of technology does not aid in this dilemma. Excuse me while I get on this soapbox again, but in this day and age, it’s not other people’s physical presence you have to worry about, but who’s on the other end of their phone or computer. It’s not uncommon to find two people hanging out in the same location, yet chatting with one friend on some form of instant chat on their computer and texting on their phone all while having a conversation with the person they’re with. Must we be this accessible? Are we that important? Maybe we like to feel that we are or we’re trying to get that age-old need of connecting with other people met. Yet, it seems to me that with all these new ways of connecting, we’re more disconnected than we’ve ever been. Our conversations are typically surface and superficial because they can be or because that’s all we have energy for when we’re talking to multiple people at the same time. So here’s my plea, people. The next time you’re in the same room with someone, put down your cell phone, close your laptop, and enjoy the person that’s in front of you. Is this too much to ask?