grace eventually.

I knew my life had been insanely busy lately, but I didn't realize how busy til I remembered that I haven't blogged in almost a month! I mean, I know you have all been waiting with bated breath to read my next post:) Let's see, in the last month I've said goodbye to 3 good friends and got word this weekend that another kindred soul passed away. Ironically I was out of town when I got the news...running away from the reality of my sadness here in Ruston. Funny how I've yet to learn that you really can't escape. The last time I went out of town was for a girls weekend trip for my birthday back in March. It was then I learned Andy was moving to Lubbock. I've been joking with everyone that I'm not going out of town anymore, lest I get bidded with more bad news. I've got enough change on my plate to get me through the end of the year, thank you.

In other, more positive news, Avery turned 3. This is from her birthday swim party. The girl is obsessed with Monsters, Inc., especially "Boo" so I had to search cyberspace to find her this doll since that movie is several years old. She loved it, of course. I'm constantly amazed at the things she says. One day Pop (Claire's dad) was talking to her about something and in the midst of that said her name. She looked at him and said, "Pop, my name is Petey-Pie!" She has a lot of names, but apparently Pop's nickname is her favorite:)

A couple of weeks ago Andy asked the staff if we were at a place in our lives where we felt like we were ready to battle or if we needed to stay back and rest. After thinking about this for a few minutes, I concluded that I was coming out of a season of rest and God was preparing me to get into battle. Since then, I've felt like every time I get up to battle, I get smacked down. The last few weeks, maybe even months I've made some bad choices. I've made some good ones too, but the truth is that I feel like I've been losing myself. I've come face-to-face with this in the past few days, even more so when one of my best friends and I got into a heated argument where he told me I seemed different. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

Change is all around me. The next month will probably be one of the hardest in terms of who I'm going to have to say goodbye to and attempt to let go. My nature is and has always been to push away. That's a huge part of what our argument was about. When everything around me seems to be shifting, I have this tendency to isolote myself, throwing myself into full-force coping ON MY OWN mode. I know this isn't healthy for me or my relationships, but for whatever reason it feels safe to me. Lady Antebellum has a line in their recent hit "Need You Now" that says, "I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all." A friend and I had a conversation about this one night. I actually feel the exact opposite. I would prefer to feel nothing. Maybe because when I hurt, everything becomes real and I feel completely out of control.

Thank you to Beth Moore for these words...
"Although we may have something unhealthy deep inside of us, those in whom Christ dwells also have something deeper. Something whole. Something so infinitely healthy that if it would but invade the rest of us, we would be healed."

I don’t adapt well to change. Even change that’s intended for good can be a little draining to me. I get comfortable with how things are. Now don’t get me wrong, I know change can be good and is necessary, but in the midst of it I find myself longing for the familiar. I’ve been thinking about this a lot as one friend recently moved and two others are graduating and moving on very soon. I can still remember the last day of my internship at the Wesley Foundation, saying goodbye to one of my fellow interns, closest friends, and accountability partners. We were standing in front of Scott’s office literally weeping and one of the students was taking pictures! I can only imagine how those turned out! Little did I know that this friend and I would be reunited a few years later at seminary. I get so accustomed to seeing/talking to the same people everyday and when that’s gone, there’s a void there. I know that in time that that void will be filled with someone else and although that particular friend will still hold a place in my heart, that desire to talk to them everyday will slowly fade making those times when you do talk all the more precious.

After Easter we are starting a new series in the Refuge called “ineed2change.org: 40 Days of Change”. We’re working on a devotional booklet where people are reflecting on how God has brought about change in their lives. Obviously this is good change, but I have a feeling as we start reading these, that a lot of that change will have some pain tied to it somewhere. As much as we desire God to change us, it usually requires us to give up something we’ve been holding on to. It requires us to move out of the way to allow God to do something incredible. It requires us to give up control and trust that God’s ways are so much better than our own. God’s been changing me for…well, forever, I suppose but even more so in the last year. It has required me to let other people in when I’ve wanted to deal with things on my own. I’ve had to put down my pride and see that sometimes what may seem like a painful step can bring us one step closer to healing...to redemption.

I find it interesting that in matters of life, I'm not a fan of change, but when it comes to how things look (i.e.: my hair, my apartment, my blog) I love change. It keeps things interesting, I suppose. I've had many a conversation about how weird it is when you get out of school. My life has been based on change. I take new classes every semester and there's always a break to look forward to. That is not the case when you graduate and get into the working world. Last night I had dinner at the Convilles. I got to meet their 2 adopted college students and they were talking about finals and the upcoming break. They asked me if I missed school. Yes and no. I don't miss the late night studying and paper writing but I miss the ebb and flow that school offers. Most of all I miss the friends I made both in college and seminary. The Lord is continuing to remind me that he hasn't left me here in Ruston; he is providing through the comfort of old friendships like the Convilles. I am grateful.

Tonight I am grieving for the Best family. Their 23-year-old son, Bo, was killed in a car accident yesterday. The whole thing is so surreal. Yesterday afternoon we heard he had made it through surgery and we all thought he was out of the woods. He died last night around midnight. Death is an unwelcome change that can happen in an instant. Please pray for the Best family in the coming days.