grace eventually.

Wow, it's been forever since I've been on here. As an avid writer, not putting down my thoughts on paper in some form is really not good for me. It's my source of processing through things to get to that point where things make some sense. I was looking over some of my posts from the last year, specifically this one. I certainly didn't do all these things like I had hoped, but some I was pretty dead-on. I spent as many Monday nights (that's our designated night) with my God-children that was possible and I paid off some debt. I wish I could say I paid it all off, but after looking through some things today, I think I've paid off between 5 and 6,000 dollars. As for the saving part, well, I was doing okay til Christmas rolled around. A big step of faith I took a week ago was quitting Starbucks. Although I will most definitely miss the extra income and awesome benefits, I realized that for my physical, mental, and emotional health, it was time to give it up. I'm looking forward to having a somewhat regular schedule which includes NOT waking up at 5am 4 to 5 days a week. I'm looking forward to saying YES! when one of my precious God-children ask if they can spend the night with Cece. I'm looking forward to attempting to getting into some type of exercise routine. I can't use 2 jobs and a crazy schedule as an excuse anymore. I'm looking forward to honing in on those God-given gifts he's bestowed on me for ministry, to rekindling that passion, and growing more into who He's created me to be next year. I really have no clue what's in store for 2011, but I'm open. I've spent this week doing as little as possible. I've slept a lot, I've spent time with loved ones, and I've tried to really listen. As a natural introvert it's not hard for me to spend time alone, but the sitting still and listening part takes some discipline. As I shared with a friend earlier in the week, I have a tendency to take care of every one else first and leave what little's left for myself. I just have to learn to balance or as Merriam-Webster defines it, to find "mental & emotional steadiness." I suppose if I had a resolution this year, that would be it.

Happy New Year!

I’m currently sitting at a hotel in Dallas (a mighty cool one) on a Friday night in my pjs. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve been bored. It won’t last long…some friends will be here in the next couple of hours but for now I’m enjoying some time to just be. It’s been a crazy week, one of those weeks that I know will be beneficial for the rest of my life. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned about trust, forgiveness, love but on the other side of that I’ve also learned about mistrust, unforgiveness, and bitterness. What I’ve found to be the most interesting is the choice we have. We choose to feel the way we do. Sure there are times when obvious circumstances are going to cause us to feel a certain way (i.e. loss = sadness, etc.), but there are also those times when we naturally want to feel a certain way. Something doesn’t go our way, someone breaks our trust, someone hurts us…it’s easy to choose the anger, resentment, unforgiveness. I’ve been on both sides this week…the side where I was betrayed and the side where I betrayed. Now I can say from my stance as the betrayer it was in no way intentional. In fact, it almost killed me knowing that I hurt and disappointed someone I care so much about. I had to ask for forgiveness and trust that it would be granted. Now on the other side, I can’t say that the betrayal wasn’t intentional. I really don’t know. But what I do know is that as I was praying thru it I was overwhelmed with love and forgiveness. Now don’t get me wrong, my trust level has changed, just like it’s probably changed with the friend I hurt, unfortunately. What I’ve learned from all this is that more times than not in my life, I need to learn to hold my tongue. More times than I’d like to admit I’ve said things that were unkind and hurtful. There was no purpose behind those words other than a temporary feeling that maybe they deserved it. They don’t. We’re all messed up, broken people. It just transpires in different ways. I still struggle with insecurity, always trying to measure up to someone else. I struggle with taking risks because I fear failure. What I overheard over and over this week at the RightNow conference here in Dallas is how essential failing is. We don’t learn and we don’t grow if we don’t fail. And truth be told, the people who truly love me, love me just as I am and if I fall on my face, they’ll be the first to pick me back up. Too bad Humpty Dumpty didn’t have my friends….

After 10 years, I’m working through Beth Moore’s “Breaking Free” again. I honestly wasn’t sure what to expect this time around. I knew there were new struggles I’ve picked up along the way, as well as those old ones that still rear their ugly head from time to time. Going in, I had heard that week 4 was probably the hardest…uncovering generational sin and how that affects who we become. Although it was interesting to look back on my family line, it’s been week 5 that has proven the most challenging: binding up the broken-hearted from childhood victimization, betrayal, and loss. Now many of you know that I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse by a friend’s father. It wasn’t til college that I really started delving into the impact that it had on my self-esteem and my relationship with men. It was also the first time I really opened myself up to a community and allowed them to walk with me. What has transpired as I’ve been going through this week’s study is the repercussions that occurred from maybe opening up myself too much during this time period. I entered into an unhealthy relationship not long after I revealed this part of my past that left me broken and with new wounds. I felt betrayed and it’s this betrayal that I realize I have not let go of. I forgave a long time ago, but there’s been a bitterness harboring inside of me that has affected me in so many ways. Do I think this betrayal was intentional? Probably not. Do I think this person feels remorse for what happened? Yes. But regardless of his intentions, I idolized this person, to the point that if someone would’ve pointed out the connection between the unhealthiness of our relationship with the nature of my abuse, I wouldn’t have been able to see it. I trusted him…I loved him. Unfortunately what resulted was further heartbreak. Those steps toward healing and trust were essentially taken away from me. I don’t completely blame him for what happened. I was just as much a participant and I didn’t deter him from what our relationship turned into. At the time it was a source of comfort for me, just not the comfort I truly needed. I tell you all this because instead of risking becoming a captive in my own protective fortress, I’m risking letting all that hurt and bitterness go so I can truly experience freedom. I know I’m not alone on this journey. It’s easy to pretend like we are or to think that no one understands what we’re going through. I know that’s not the case. Time and time again, I tell my story to someone and immediately they share with me their own similar experience. The truth is, regardless of how devastating our stories are, it’s what shapes us negatively or positively. It’s my hope that my story will be used as a source of healing in someone else’s life. I leave you with these words from the band, Gungor:

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make me new, You are making me new

Check these out! You won't be disappointed!

I shared this with our college Sunday School class yesterday.

"God can handle what you're thinking.
God can handle how you're feeling.
God can handle what you're saying.
Prayer, if it's anything, is truth.
It's being honest with your maker."

I’ve been thinking about this lately. Apparently I inspire people in random ways. For Jennifer, I inspired her to put down peel & stick tile in her bathroom and kitchen. Have I mentioned that my kitchen tiles are literally being held down by invisible packing tape at the moment? For Chris, it’s my random, so very easy therapeutic art projects using masking tape and paint. For Aaron, it was coming up with the name of his blog, Modern JAC. At the end of the day, is there anything else about my life that inspires others? I can’t really answer that question. I can only hope that the way I genuinely love the people in my life inspires. I pray that my attempt to be authentic in this blog inspires. Most of all, it’s my desire that my messy, unconventional, sometimes considered liberal, faith is what inspires people. As one of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott says, "There's always something ending and something beginning. Yet in the very center is the truth of your spiritual identity: you. Fabulous, hilarious, darling, screwed-up you. Beloved of God and of your truest deepest self, the self that is revealed when tears wash off the makeup and grime." I think even when we feel like our lives are upside down, we can inspire others. This morning I was talking to my friend, Dana and she mentioned that someone once told her that our pain has purpose, it’s not wasted. I certainly like to believe that in the midst of my pain I can still be inspiring to someone else who may be going through the same thing. In Pete Wilson’s book, “Plan B” he says, “Begin to trust and believe that maybe, just maybe, there is someone in your life who can and will speak those healing words, me too.” As I’ve mentioned before, getting to that place where I can even share my pain is hard, but to hear those words, “me too” brings about a calm in the midst of what feels like chaos. At least for me anyway. So thanks to so many of you who have offered up a “me too” when I needed it. You inspire me.

I’ve been stuck on this song by Paramore lately, not necessarily because I like it but because I find the lyrics so powerful and so true for many of us who have been hurt by “love” along the way. Love the video.

And I’ve always lived this way

Keeping a comfortable distance

And up until now I had sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

This has been my own personal motto most of my life I’m sad to say. I tend to keep people at arm’s length because I’ve bought into this idea that I’m going to end up hurt and alone. I choose relationships that I think are “safe” because I can predict the outcome. What I’ve learned, however, is that no relationship is really safe when your heart is invested. I’ve been meeting with a counselor for the last few months and she’s challenged me to look at my relationships from my childhood on to see where my fear of rejection and abandonment stem from. The obvious is always being the best friend, which eventually leads to me having to give up that friendship when he gets married or at least setting some pretty hard-core boundaries. I even had one of these guys tell me once that he wished he could find a girl like me. Um, what does that mean? It’s hard not to hear words like that and not ponder the age-old question, “What’s wrong with me?” Sixth grade was quite the formidable year. I had a couple of crushes that year…one kid flipped me off on the school bus, the other, well, we were both humiliated by our wonderful math teacher when she picked up a note I was writing to my still best-friend, Claire, and read it to the entire class! I think that’s a scar that’s yet to heal. It was years before I could look at that guy again without wanting to sink into the floor. My counselor was probably right in saying that no one else in that class probably remembers it, but I do. The truth is, we all have stories like this. It’s what makes songs like Paramore’s so popular. If you listen to the entire song, the chorus says “You are the only exception.” Eventually we do find someone who rises above the rest whether it be a good friend, a mentor, a parent, or hopefully one day, a spouse. I’m lucky in that I have great friends who don’t allow me to keep them at arm’s distance and when I attempt to push away, they push back. It’s not always easy and I still get hurt, but it’s always hurt can grow from.

I recently celebrated my 4-year anniversary with Starbucks a couple of weeks ago. I just found this blog I wrote in honor of my 1st anniversary and thought I'd share.
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One year ago yesterday, I met Greg Melnyk, my first-ever Starbucks manager, along with Clay Mason and some other folks who no longer work for the company, for our first official training session. I was a little intimidated and uncertain of what my future with Starbucks would hold. A year later, I'm still with the company, only I'm in a new store in a different state. As I look back over the last year, a few things stick out. One, how quickly everyone in our store acclamated to one another when we opened the Nicholasville/New Circle store last July. When I left Lexington in December, only 6 months after my first day, I felt like I was leaving behind family. Two, I still love my job and although I have no clue how long I'll continue with the company, I'm excited to be a part of it. Three, when I visit other Starbucks when I'm traveling, I always check out the bathrooms...not for cleanliness per se but because I've seen some of the coolest bathrooms in Starbucks. Yes, I know this sounds weird:) Unfortunately, neither my old store in Lexington nor my new store in Ruston have cool bathrooms. Four, Greg told us during training that one day we would have this "Aha" moment when everything would just click. We would come to the point where we could make drinks and carry on a conversation without much thought and provide the legendary service Starbucks is known for. It's true...although I have no clue when my "Aha" moment occurred. And lastly, I've been at my new Starbucks for a couple of months now and although I still miss my Lexington family very much, the Ruston crew have welcomed me in and made me feel very much a part. I am grateful. I know I wouldn't love my job as much as I do if it weren't for the Starbucks partners.

I knew my life had been insanely busy lately, but I didn't realize how busy til I remembered that I haven't blogged in almost a month! I mean, I know you have all been waiting with bated breath to read my next post:) Let's see, in the last month I've said goodbye to 3 good friends and got word this weekend that another kindred soul passed away. Ironically I was out of town when I got the news...running away from the reality of my sadness here in Ruston. Funny how I've yet to learn that you really can't escape. The last time I went out of town was for a girls weekend trip for my birthday back in March. It was then I learned Andy was moving to Lubbock. I've been joking with everyone that I'm not going out of town anymore, lest I get bidded with more bad news. I've got enough change on my plate to get me through the end of the year, thank you.

In other, more positive news, Avery turned 3. This is from her birthday swim party. The girl is obsessed with Monsters, Inc., especially "Boo" so I had to search cyberspace to find her this doll since that movie is several years old. She loved it, of course. I'm constantly amazed at the things she says. One day Pop (Claire's dad) was talking to her about something and in the midst of that said her name. She looked at him and said, "Pop, my name is Petey-Pie!" She has a lot of names, but apparently Pop's nickname is her favorite:)

Lately I’ve been thinking about belonging. Personally, it’s been more of a struggle as I’ve wrestled with my own sense of where I belong. As a 33 single girl, my time fluctuates mostly between my married friends and my gay boyfriends. Although I love both groups dearly I often find myself feeling like I don’t fit. Sadly it’s even magnified in the church. As I recently had a conversation with 2 girls, younger than I, but who also fit into my so-called category, the church just doesn’t know what to do with us. Their first instinct is to start up another singles ministry. Typically what you find in these groups are older single/divorced/widowed people. I’m not really sure we fit there either. Truth be told this is a new place for me. In high-school, everyone’s on the same level. You hang out with the people in your class who are working for the same goal: to graduate and move on! College is a little different but you’re still working towards a similar goal. When I was in college I belonged to the Wesley Foundation. For the most part, everyone was single (aka not married) and we were always hanging out and learning what it meant to rely on one another as a community. In seminary, although more people were married, I was able to develop a group of friends that were a mix of married and single whom I adored. We were all working towards the goal of learning what it meant to be in ministry. I met my best guy friend there. He taught me a lot about trust and when I pulled away, he pushed. He was there when I was at my lowest and challenged me to keep walking even when it was painful. He didn’t expect me to be anyone but myself. For that I will always be eternally grateful but it took us a long time to get to that place. When we graduated, we both moved back to our hometowns. He got married and now has a beautiful baby girl. Although we are miles apart and only talk every few months, that bond is still strong. I knew when I moved back to Ruston, finding my place would be a struggle. It’s a college town filled with families. I am neither. I am thankful my family is here. I am thankful I can see my 3 beautiful God-children whenever I want, but at the end of the day I often wonder what my purpose is. I don’t say these things in an attempt to get sympathy. I know my life has purpose. I’m just being honest. And I know I’m not the only one who shares my frustration. Some days are easier than others. Yesterday was not one of those days. As I was sitting with one of my good friends and another guy I had just met, the new guy made a comment about “fag hags.” If you’re unfamiliar with this ridiculous term, it’s basically girls who spend the majority of their time with gay boys. As much as I don’t want to, I sort of fit into this category. Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade those guys for anything. They’re good friends but if you look more closely you’ll see my intent is not so healthy. It goes much deeper to my trust or “lack of” trust in men. This isn’t new, but I’ve come to realize how much I use those gay male friendships as a safety net. I get some of the same perks of engaging in a male/female relationship without having to deal with the unspoken attraction aspect that can often mess up a good friendship. We’re always on the same playing field, right? That’s yet to be determined, I suppose. I’m realizing some of my same issues still apply regardless of their sexuality, my need for affirmation being a primary one. These are all things I’ll be discussing with my therapist on Tuesday. What I’m learning is that we are always going to be struggling with something. How we handle those struggles is what counts. For me, I have to be really intentional to think through things rationally. I’m hoping returning to counseling will help with this. And I know a strong community is important. We can’t walk through life alone…it’s just not healthy. I am blessed to have some amazing friends, especially girls, both married and single, all over the US, that I can be completely honest. They are the ones that remind me that I do belong, I belong first to Him, my Heavenly Father and I belong to ALL those that are willing to journey with me regardless of what life stage we’re at. As the Wesley Foundation saying goes, “Your crap is our crap; your joy is our joy.”

I'm currently sitting at my desk in tears. To hear more about Merlot and the big shoes I must fill as her new owner, read here. But be warned, grab a kleenex...or 20. Love you Ross!

For those of you who may not have heard, I am now a dog owner. I inherited a beautiful 2-year-old girl from my friend Ross who will be moving to Belgium on the 29^th. Her name is Merlot! Although I was a little concerned about the transition, all in all it’s going well. She’s finally growing accustomed to her new home and new unfenced yard. Although she likes to explore, she always comes back when I call her. I love to watch her run and leap. I know that may sound strange but she looks like a gazelle! Recently I decided it was time for her to meet the rest of the family. Now the thing about Merlot is that she’s not real excited to meet new people. In fact, she’s a little skittish, but once you’ve won her over, she’s your friend for life. I like to think we're kindred spirits in that regard. She’s slowly warming up to my dad. Mom hasn’t spent enough time with her yet. As for these 2, I think they’re just tolerating her:)

Today I decided Merlot needed to go for a walk. Okay, okay, I needed to go for a walk. I decided that this week we would just start with a brisk 10-minute walk, next week we’ll bump it up to 15, etc. My bf, Don (yes in my world, he’s my bf), tells a story about when he was training for his big bike tour a few years ago. He met with a personal trainer and they started out slow, getting his heart rate up for 20 minutes, then building up momentum as the weeks went on. In fact, his trainer says that as long as you get in 20 good minutes of cardio, anything else is just bonus so it takes the pressure off of trying to have these long, intense workouts. I suppose that’s what I’m trying to do. The truth is I’ve been lethargic lately. Partly due to life and the impending goodbyes that will start this week and partly due to just feeling tired. It’s funny that everyone always says that in order to not feel so tired all the time, you should exercise. It’s a vicious cycle. I feel tired, therefore I just want to lie on my couch and not do that so-called exercise that will give me energy. I’m taking it day by day and today we were successful. Tomorrow’s a new day. Oh, and sorry to my neighbor whose yard Merlot pooped in.

This is from my friend, Chris' blog. As most of you know, I too, have been deeply impacted by the LA Tech Wesley Foundation. I would ask that you prayerfully consider giving. Thanks!

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As many of you know I have been an intern at the Wesley Foundation at LA Tech for the past year. I couldn't ask for a more amazing job and am blessed every day by the things I witness God doing. I love watching God move in the lives of college students. I have witnessed amazing and life transforming things though this ministry in my own life as well as the lives of students I meet.

One of those transforming ways is summer mission trips. The purpose of these trips is to expand the life perspective of college students so they can see outside of themselves and serve the needs of people in other places. We are called to love our neighbors and for us, that is anyone! This year we took on a lot and felt God was calling us to a large vision of the world by opening the doors for three international mission trips: Cambodia, Haiti, and China. Our teams leave in two weeks and we still have over $24,000 left to raise. I am asking you to consider donating $10-$20 towards these trips. I am also asking if you could email 10 of your friends, who may or may not know anything about the Wesley Foundation and asking them to consider partnering with us by donating $10-$20 as well. Thank you to those of you who have already contributed to my portion of the trip, if you would like to give more, GREAT! If not, please pass this on to friends.

Each one of our staff and team members are asking the same things of their friends and families. Each dollar is a dollar closer to 28 team members lives being transformed by serving, as well as the potential of the lives that we will come in contact with in China, Cambodia, and Haiti!

If you would like to give, please send a check to:

The Wesley Foundation
P.O. Box 3005
Ruston, LA 71272

or you can donate by using the PAYPAL option on our Facebook page. If you've got any questions, please, please, please call me anytime.

Much Love.

My friend, Kari, is a gifted writer. I love reading her adventures with her kiddos. I especially enjoyed this one!

A couple of weeks ago Andy asked the staff if we were at a place in our lives where we felt like we were ready to battle or if we needed to stay back and rest. After thinking about this for a few minutes, I concluded that I was coming out of a season of rest and God was preparing me to get into battle. Since then, I've felt like every time I get up to battle, I get smacked down. The last few weeks, maybe even months I've made some bad choices. I've made some good ones too, but the truth is that I feel like I've been losing myself. I've come face-to-face with this in the past few days, even more so when one of my best friends and I got into a heated argument where he told me I seemed different. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

Change is all around me. The next month will probably be one of the hardest in terms of who I'm going to have to say goodbye to and attempt to let go. My nature is and has always been to push away. That's a huge part of what our argument was about. When everything around me seems to be shifting, I have this tendency to isolote myself, throwing myself into full-force coping ON MY OWN mode. I know this isn't healthy for me or my relationships, but for whatever reason it feels safe to me. Lady Antebellum has a line in their recent hit "Need You Now" that says, "I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all." A friend and I had a conversation about this one night. I actually feel the exact opposite. I would prefer to feel nothing. Maybe because when I hurt, everything becomes real and I feel completely out of control.

Thank you to Beth Moore for these words...
"Although we may have something unhealthy deep inside of us, those in whom Christ dwells also have something deeper. Something whole. Something so infinitely healthy that if it would but invade the rest of us, we would be healed."

We're having a Beth Moore simulcast here at Trinity based on her newest book, So Long, Insecurity. The books came in this week and I decided to read as much as I could before the 24th. Of course, after reading the Table of Contents, my attention was drawn to Chapter 12: Through the Eyes of the Guys. She surveys 150 men on their insecurities, as well as how they view insecurity in women. The same day I picked this book up, I see Don Miller has written a blog entitled "What Women Really Need From Men" followed by "What Men Really Need From Women." Interesting. Based off these two outlooks, I've decided to do a little comparative analysis. Take it for what it's worth:)

According to Beth, men and women aren't all that different in our insecurities. We all worry about being desirable to the opposite sex and we all want to be loved, however the #1 insecurity for men is fear of failure. Both Beth & Don talk about how fathers make a significant impact on this. If they don't have a strong male role-model (preferably their dad) encouraging them, they spend the majority of their life trying to get it elsewhere. Typically when men feel insecure, they withdraw. Women, on the other hand, cling. Men prefer not to admit they're feeling insecure, while we women pester men to death to help us feel less insecure, yes? For women it's no surprise that men notice our #1 insecurity to be our appearance. We buy into this idea that we need to look a certain way when in reality, guys aren't necessarily looking for that type of beauty. Other insecurities men see in women include irrational jealousies, full-blown emotional episodes, an obsession with what people think, and an insatiable need for affirmation. Sigh... I wish I could say they were wrong but alas, I struggle with all of these, sometimes all at the same time! Men prefer their women confident, not for their sakes but for ours because let's face it, when we're struggling with insecurity, we feel miserable.

According to Don, what women are looking for in men is confidence, strenghth, and mystery. He suggests that guys should first work on themselves, find their passions, and invite us into their adventure. Basically, have a life outside of us. Ironically, his blog on what men are looking for is longer (go figure). What a guy needs is a strong, confident woman. Hmmm...sounds very similar to what we're looking for, yes? Beauty is an important factor but not in terms of what's deemed as beautiful by society. Beauty comes in the form of taking care of yourself but not to the point that you come across as desperate. The truth is, ladies, we're all beautiful in our own unique way. I say this to myself as much as I'm saying it to you. Beth mentions in her book that one thing men have noticed is how we as women tend to compare ourselves to one another. I say this all the time. When I get dressed to go somewhere, I'm dressing for either a) my gay boyfriends or b) my girlfriends. They're the ones that are truly going to notice. Now I'm sure guys aren't completely oblivious, but in truth, we as women do typically compare ourselves to other women. Don also says that men want women who respect them, who have a vision for life, and who are choosy. I really appreciate the last one because as a woman in my early 30's it's hard when people question why I'm not married. The truth is I never want to settle. I think being choosy can come across as being snotty. That's certainly not the case. As myself and most of my single girlfriends agree, I would rather be single than than in an unhappy marriage. I'm sure I could've been married right out of college like many of my friends (most of which are still happily married, by the way), but in order for that to have happened, I would've married someone for all the wrong reasons. I'm speaking for myself here, but I think if we surveyed women, they too would want a man who's respectful, has a vision for life, especially that involves both of us, and is choosy.

Today I watched an interview with Don where he talked a lot about relationships and his singleness. He's reached a point at 38 where he's content with his life, not that he doesn't desire to be married and have a family. He's focusing on his own story and becoming content with who he is before inviting someone else to join in on his adventure. He mentioned in the interview that he's come to a place where he feels like he can sacrificially love others in his life without expecting anything in return.

What I've gleaned from both authors is that despite our insecurities and what we may be looking for from each other, we can't be the "be-all and end-all" for the opposite sex. We can't seek all our fulfillment from one another. Sure we can partially, but only God can love us perfectly and completely because we are imperfect and have a hard enough time loving ourselves completely, much less one another. The best we can do is strive for Don's mindset of loving the best we can without expecting anything in return.

Happy.
Anxious.
Confused.
Sad.
Disappointed.
Content.
Loved.
Uncertain.
Creative.
Annoyed.
Nervous.


This sums up all the emotions I've felt since the last time I wrote. And this is the girl who makes me smile the most.

Have you ever wondered at what age we truly start to understand the meaning of trust? I wonder if it's the first time that trust is broken. Yesterday and today I took a walk at Cook Park. I noticed that as I would pass a child on his bike or a little boy playing on the equipment, they would look up at me and say hi. One little one even blew me a kiss this afternoon! As adults we're typically not that quick to acknowledge someone we don't know as we pass by. In fact, cultural norm seems to be to look down and not make eye contact. Why is this? I mean, I do it too. I attribute it to my shyness. Even as a kid I think I was the one who would cling to my mom or dad's legs when anyone tried to talk to me. Then again, I do remember writing lines in kindergarten many days during recess for talking too much in class. As we get older, we go through circumstances that cause us to put up walls of protection as an attempt to hedge our hearts from more unnecessary pain. We enter into relationships automatically assuming that we're going to get hurt. In truth, at some point we will get hurt. We're human and although it's not intentional, we do at times hurt the people we love causing us to take a step back from that trust we worked so hard to build. I guess I just wish sometimes we could go back to the playground days...you know, when boys told you that you were ugly because deep down they really liked you. Oh wait, I guess life was confusing back then too:)

As we’ve been collecting devotionals for the upcoming ineed2change.org series, I’ve been amazed at the different stories we’ve read. Stories of healing, hope, reconciliation, redemption. The truth is we all want to be known, however, the risk that goes along with that is often a little scary so we look for less intimidating outlets to share our stories, whether it be social networking such as Facebook and Twitter or our personal blogs. For me personally, I’ve always found writing to be the best outlet for processing my thoughts. I’ve written many a letter to friends pouring out my heart. Marcie Wright probably has a collection from my post-college days. With the rise of text messaging and social networking, the question that continues to be asked is whether or not we’re creating community or inhibiting it? As a 30-something I feel as though I straddle the line a bit. I grew up in a time when cell phones and internet were non-existent. I spent many an hour talking on the telephone that was connected to my bedroom wall and writing notes to friends in class. The only time I ever typed anything was in typing class. Now, I too, am on the social networking bandwagon. I send and receive up to 100 texts a day, check my Facebook religiously, and occasionally share thoughts on my blog as I’m currently doing right now. But the truth is, if given the option I would much rather have a face-to-face conversation with the significant people in my life. In fact, if you’ve known me for any length of time, one of my pet peeves is when people are constantly on their phones when they’re with me. This isn’t the case all the time and I’ve certainly been guilty of it myself, but I tend to think when you’re in someone else’s company you should be fully engaged with that person. But I digress. Regardless of how we communicate, the objective is always the same, to be known by someone, to be assured that we’re not alone in whatever state we may currently be in whether it be sadness, loneliness, fear, or anxiety, to know that we matter to someone else. This is what makes life worthwhile and those hard times in life a little more bearable.

Matt and I met in seminary. I can't remember the exact said meeting, but my first significant memory of him was my second birthday in KY. Some friends and I had decided to go see the Indigo Girls, one of my favorite girl bands of all time, at UK. At the last minute, one of the girls had to back out. Did I mention that this was an all-girls outing? Somehow Matt got wind that we had an extra ticket and jumped at the chance to go! During the concert, I look over and Matt is on his feet, hands in the air, eyes closed, full-out swaying to the melodic tunes of the Indigo Girls. It was at this moment that I knew we would be friends for life! A few months later, he and I teamed up to throw a going-away party for our good friends, Becca and Toby. It's on this date that we declare our Friendiversary, July 4th. Since that particular day, Matt and I have been a constant part of each other's lives. We've laughed together, we've cried together, we've sang Amy Grant together...oh wait, I would never. I've listened to him sing Amy Grant (loudly) as we've driven with the windows down through our favorite KY roads. We've created our own language (name yet to be determined). If you hear it, you would think we're ridiculous, but we find it amusing. My favorite thing about Matt is his ability to process. This comes out best in his writing. I mentioned his blog at the beginning of Lent. He recently moved to Nashville to pursue his passion of writing. I have no doubt we'll see great things from him. I think seminary was formative for both of us in becoming who God was truly calling us to be. The road was not easy but we did it together and for that I am thankful. Happy Birthday, Matty....I love you!

**The above photo was taken at my 29th birthday party. We call it our "geriatric prom" photo:)

March is proving to be a hard month, yet again. On Sunday I received two pieces of news that left me feeling empty. One, KD Kilpatrick passed away after battling cancer for a very short time. Two, Andy Hurst, my pastor and friend is moving back to Lubbock in June to be the Senior Pastor at a UMC church there. Have I mentioned I’m not a fan of change?? Although in both instances there are some positive points. KD didn’t suffer and is now dancing in Heaven; Andy’s going back home to family. Of course in both cases, family is being left behind. I wish I could say I’m in the accepting stage of grief. I’m not. Truthfully, I’m heartbroken. As much as I hate to admit it, I feel lost.

I met KD last year during a building campaign. You can’t be in the same room with him without feeling warmth. His eyes twinkle when he smiles and he makes you feel like you’ve been friends for years. Any chance I had to talk to him, I took it. He loved his wife, his family, and our church. He was a kidder. He loved to crack jokes and tell stories. He’s the leader that you want on your side because when he believes in you, you can’t help but strive to do your very best. I have no doubt that hundreds will be here tomorrow to say their goodbyes to this beloved man.

I met Andy when I was a senior in high-school. At the time he was the Director of the LA Tech Wesley Foundation. As I was nearing the end of my high-school career and preparing to start my collegiate journey at Tech, my friend and soon to be college roommate, decided to check Wesley out so we could start meeting people. Andy was instrumental in that even though he ended up moving to Lubbock before I started college to be the Director of the Texas Tech Wesley Foundation. He didn’t stay away long though. He came back to Ruston to be the Associate Pastor at Trinity and to be the lead preaching pastor at our contemporary service. We were excited to get him back. During that time he became a counselor, an encourager, and a friend. He stayed connected to my life while I was away at seminary and when I moved back to Ruston 3 years ago, he was the one that pushed to bring me on staff here at Trinity when I wasn’t even certain this was where I needed to be. He’s challenged me, loved me, prayed over me, and been a constant source of God’s grace in my life. He’s one of the most selfless men I’ve ever met. He knows Scripture like the back of his hand. He loves unconditionally. He puts his family first but we take a close second. He is the epitome of what a good pastor should look like. I can’t imagine my life or this church without him. The next couple of months will prove to be a rollercoaster of emotions as we attempt to prepare him well and send him forth to his next church family. Many tears have been shed and I’m sure many more are to come.

I don’t adapt well to change. Even change that’s intended for good can be a little draining to me. I get comfortable with how things are. Now don’t get me wrong, I know change can be good and is necessary, but in the midst of it I find myself longing for the familiar. I’ve been thinking about this a lot as one friend recently moved and two others are graduating and moving on very soon. I can still remember the last day of my internship at the Wesley Foundation, saying goodbye to one of my fellow interns, closest friends, and accountability partners. We were standing in front of Scott’s office literally weeping and one of the students was taking pictures! I can only imagine how those turned out! Little did I know that this friend and I would be reunited a few years later at seminary. I get so accustomed to seeing/talking to the same people everyday and when that’s gone, there’s a void there. I know that in time that that void will be filled with someone else and although that particular friend will still hold a place in my heart, that desire to talk to them everyday will slowly fade making those times when you do talk all the more precious.

After Easter we are starting a new series in the Refuge called “ineed2change.org: 40 Days of Change”. We’re working on a devotional booklet where people are reflecting on how God has brought about change in their lives. Obviously this is good change, but I have a feeling as we start reading these, that a lot of that change will have some pain tied to it somewhere. As much as we desire God to change us, it usually requires us to give up something we’ve been holding on to. It requires us to move out of the way to allow God to do something incredible. It requires us to give up control and trust that God’s ways are so much better than our own. God’s been changing me for…well, forever, I suppose but even more so in the last year. It has required me to let other people in when I’ve wanted to deal with things on my own. I’ve had to put down my pride and see that sometimes what may seem like a painful step can bring us one step closer to healing...to redemption.

2010 has already proven to kick me in my tail and it’s only February but alas, I’m beginning to see light again. My friend, Cathy, always talks about wholistic living, how our physical, emotional, and spiritual selves are all intertwined. If you’re flailing in one, there’s a good chance the other two will be affected in some way. I couldn’t agree more. I started out this year with good intentions or goals as I stated in my first blog post. Although I certainly don’t think goals and aspirations are a bad thing, I think it can at times put too much pressure on us. What if we don’t reach them? What if I (heaven forbid) fail? Well, if I’m being honest, I’ve definitely failed. In fact, I pretty much fell flat on my face. However, what I’ve learned time and time again is that when I fall on my face, redemption follows. Sometimes redemption isn’t glamorous. It can come in the form of a hug from a friend, another friend empathizing with what you’re going through, a complementary water at Sonic just because they wanted to brighten your day, a cool breeze on a clear day, holding hands, balloons on your birthday, laughing at absolutely nothing, a phone call just because someone was thinking about you, a blanket of snow, road trips, a smile from my special girl. This list goes on and on. So, I’ve decided that although goals are a good thing to strive for, I need to look at life one day at a time. I’m sure we’ve all heard this before. I mean, Jesus even talks about it in Scripture. “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

A lot of my friends have decided that instead of giving something up for Lent, they’re going to add an element that has maybe been lacking and will further enrich their lives. My fabulous friend, Matt has decided to blog more during the next 40 days. I encourage you to check it out. He’s a fantastic writer that will leave you laughing and inspired. Another friend is writing a one paragraph reflection on what he’s reading for that day. I can’t say I’ve come up with any extraordinary thing to give up or add this Lenten season other than to find some space each day to listen. Today it was pilates. I have no idea what it will be tomorrow, but then again, I have tomorrow to figure that out:) I am starting a new book this week, “Picking Dandelions” by Sarah Cunningham. My friend, Susan that wrote “Angry Conversations with God” recommended it so I know it must be good. Stay tuned for a review.

Happy Lent everyone!

My latest prayer. Thanks Starfield.

I need to just admit
My faith is paper thin
I'm feeling so burned out
On religion

I say an empty prayer
I sing a tired song
I need to just admit that the passion's gone

And I want to get it back

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move
Help me rediscover You

I want to learn to pray
The way that David prayed
I want my soul to burn when I hear Your name
I want to feel like new
I want to hunger for you
Bring me back to life like only You can do
Cause I don't want to stay the same

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move
Help me rediscover You

Lord, I want to be Yours today
I want to know the passion of the saints
And how they were changed

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move

I want to burn for You
Bring me back to life, Jesus
Help me rediscover You

I've been contemplating what my first post of the year should be. I've thought about the friends I've lost in the last year, some through tragedy, others through circumstances beyond our control. I've thought about the new friends that have been brought into my life that I now can't imagine living without. I've thought about how faithful God continues to be in providing when I didn't think he was even listening to the cries of my heart. I'm not big on resolutions. I know myself well enough to know that they just don't work for me, then I end up feeling like a failure. Funny how I'm such an advocate of extending grace to those around me, but not so much to myself. I have set some goals, in no particular order:

*spend time with my God-children at least once a week
*read one book a month
*read my Bible daily
*be honest with the people I'm closest to about how I'm really doing
*blog more
*love more
*trust more
*pay off debt
*save more
*give more
*eat better
*work out regularly
*stay connected to far-away friends
...you get the idea.

I think goals are important so we know what it is we're working towards. I won't always do all these things listed here, but I'm certainly going to try. As Don Miller talks about in his latest book, I want to live out a meaningful story, not just a series of meaningless events. I don't know exactly what that looks like but I'm looking forward to figuring it out in 2010.

Happy New Year!