I’ve been stuck on this song by Paramore lately, not necessarily because I like it but because I find the lyrics so powerful and so true for many of us who have been hurt by “love” along the way. Love the video.

And I’ve always lived this way

Keeping a comfortable distance

And up until now I had sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

This has been my own personal motto most of my life I’m sad to say. I tend to keep people at arm’s length because I’ve bought into this idea that I’m going to end up hurt and alone. I choose relationships that I think are “safe” because I can predict the outcome. What I’ve learned, however, is that no relationship is really safe when your heart is invested. I’ve been meeting with a counselor for the last few months and she’s challenged me to look at my relationships from my childhood on to see where my fear of rejection and abandonment stem from. The obvious is always being the best friend, which eventually leads to me having to give up that friendship when he gets married or at least setting some pretty hard-core boundaries. I even had one of these guys tell me once that he wished he could find a girl like me. Um, what does that mean? It’s hard not to hear words like that and not ponder the age-old question, “What’s wrong with me?” Sixth grade was quite the formidable year. I had a couple of crushes that year…one kid flipped me off on the school bus, the other, well, we were both humiliated by our wonderful math teacher when she picked up a note I was writing to my still best-friend, Claire, and read it to the entire class! I think that’s a scar that’s yet to heal. It was years before I could look at that guy again without wanting to sink into the floor. My counselor was probably right in saying that no one else in that class probably remembers it, but I do. The truth is, we all have stories like this. It’s what makes songs like Paramore’s so popular. If you listen to the entire song, the chorus says “You are the only exception.” Eventually we do find someone who rises above the rest whether it be a good friend, a mentor, a parent, or hopefully one day, a spouse. I’m lucky in that I have great friends who don’t allow me to keep them at arm’s distance and when I attempt to push away, they push back. It’s not always easy and I still get hurt, but it’s always hurt can grow from.