grace eventually.

On another note, a little birdie told me that today is my dear friend and life-long mentor, Lora's, 60th birthday! I ran into her at Starbucks today and I had no idea! Party if up, girlfriend! So glad I got to see you on your big day even if I didn't know:)

Here's the video from our Cardboard Testimonies a couple of weeks ago. It was an incredible experience and for the first time in a long time, it made me really excited to be a part of this church! God has already used my own personal story to speak into the lives of others. For that I am grateful!

This is one of the coolest, most powerful things I've seen in a long time! We're doing our own on Sunday.

I wonder what my life would look like if I didn't work 2 jobs. Would I have more time to take those walks I plan for every morning but am too tired to get out of bed? Would I have more time to read, to pray, to catch up on all my friend's blogs, to blog myself? Would I spend more time with my precious God-children? I'm sitting at Starbucks as I write this and I look up to see my sweet co-workers waving at me and I smile. For this time I'm meant to be here. The truth is, I love my job at Starbucks. I love interacting with different types of people who may never walk through the doors of Trinity. I love loving them with all that I am. I've been traveling a lot the last couple of weeks. I'm still trying to catch my breath and I wonder if I will accomplish all I want to accomplish this weekend (clean, laundry, re-organize my closet, hang out with my God-children, take a walk, write a worthy children's sermon for Sunday...). At one of the conferences I went to, Catalyst, I found myself in tears for almost every speaker. God knew I needed to be there and he was speaking to me. I was moved. I was moved to get out of my seat and admit before 12,000 people that I had lost "IT". Craig Groeschel told this story about vacationing with his family. As he was swimming with his kids one day, a stranger cameu up and bet him $20 he couldn't hold his breath under water for more than a minute. Craig, like most men, took him up on the challenge and he lost. When he came back up, the man told him that he could help Craig hold his breath for even longer by showing him some breathing techniques. As Craig went under water once more, the man coached him. He told him when he hit significant time markers...30 seconds, 1 minute, 1 minute and 10... When Craig acted like he was about to give up, the stranger continued to yell at him, "Don't come up, you still have more in you." When Craig finally did come up, he found out he had been under for over 2 minutes! The man looked at him and said, "Craig, I've been following your ministry for a long time and the Lord told me to tell you that you still have more in you. Don't give up!" After Craig finished his story, he looked out at the audience and said, "I know there are pastors here who are tired, who feel like they don't have what it takes to do ministry anymore. I'm here to tell you that there's still more in you! Don't let anyone try to tell you different." Then he asked all of us who were receiving that word to stand up so we could support one another and he could pray for us. It's always hard to admit when we don't feel like we're where we're supposed to be. I mean, we're in ministry, we should have it all together. Yeah, right! I encourage you to pray for the pastors and staff in your churches. You never know what they might be going through. The Lord and I are still working through that message but I'm grateful to know that I have people all around me who continue to cheer me on and remind me that there's still more in me!

I just found out today that one of my dearest friends, Kari Godel Curtis had her second baby, little boy Everett, 2 weeks ago! Kar, I hope you don't mind that I'm posting your very first family photo:) Kari and I met in May of 1999 in Chicago. We both accepted a position as summer hosts for Center for Student Missions (CSM). At first it seemed we were as different as two people could be. I was from the deep South of Louisiana, she was from the Northwest state of Oregon. But in no time we were the best of friends sharing some of the hardest parts of life together and praying together almost nightly. We called each other "soul mates". Generally I guess that term is coined for the one you commit your life to in marriage but as friends go, Kari was definitely one gal who knew my heart and soul better than anyone. After 3 months of living together and working together, it was quite an adjustment going back to our parts of the world, but we remained great friends. She moved to China for a year; I moved to Kentucky for seminary. It's amazing how a friendship rooted in the Lord never changes. I made it to OR a few times, the most important being Kari and Nate's wedding. Kari came to KY right after our apartment fire and helped me get settled into a new place. We were there for the important moments. As life seemed to move more rapidly for both of us, we started losing touch. That's why I love the blog world so much...it's how I stay connected to so many people I love and even though it's not as good as sitting in the same room with them, I still feel like I am a part of their life! Kar, I wish so much I could've been there for the birth of Claire and now for the birth of Everett. I promise I will make it back to OR to meet your little ones! You know, next May will make it 10 years since we first met...crazy! I love you and I'm so excited for you!

I initially came to my blog to actually reflect further on what the Lord is teaching me, but alas, I'm distracted by the bike lady that is sitting across from me sniffing her wheat soy milk. Now typically I don't like to stare at people, but this lady is something else. She rode up to Starbucks about half and hour or so on her bike. No biggie...people ride their bikes here all the time. Of course, usually it's my co-workers and usually it's during the day. She immediately walks in with her groceries. I kid you not. She sits down at the booth table across from me and begins to unpack all kinds of things....a couple of bottles of some type of drink, maybe?, a styrofoam cup that I'm guessing also contains a beverage, a Wendy's baked potato, and some Mrs. Dash-type seasoning. Now here's where I'm confused. Why did she ride her bike to Starbucks to partake of her dinner? She hasn't ordered anything since she's been here. She's just happily enjoying the contents of her grocery bag of food. A few minutes later I watched as she headed out to her bike again and brings back her box of wheat soy milk. Maybe she'll use it for a specialty latte.

I've recently been reading Restless Faith by Winn Collier. If you haven't ever read anything by him, I highly recommend it. He's one of those authors that I love because he's honest about those things that we would rather not wrestle with...like faith. In this last chapter that I read he talks about how we prefer to focus on those whose faith led to great things, such as Abraham and Sarah, Noah, Moses, Rahab...but what about those whose faith led them to suffering or death? I've been wrestling with the concept that although God is good, that does not mean he's safe. On Sunday, Andy talked about this, quoting The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

I started a blog post about 2 weeks ago, right after I got back from vacation, however, I was using my used/new to me macbook and I couldn't figure out how to manipulate my pictures the way I wanted so I gave up. I figured since I was all alone in the office after work hours, I would attempt again. I must say though that this post doesn't hold the wit and creativity that it once did 2 weeks ago.

The rundown of my vacation included Mobile, Perdido Key, Navarre, and Marietta or to simplify, AL, FL, and GA. I spent 10 days with great friends, mainly from seminary. Here are a few highlights.

Sunday in worship I was overwhelmed with missing my friends from seminary. Finding the space to worship has been quite a challenge since I started working in the church. Andy, my pastor, and I have had many a conversation about it. Sunday, for us, is work. Now don't get me wrong, the act of worship is never work but it's everything else that we have to do to give everyone else the gift of worshiping on Sundays. Often I am running around before, during and after Sunday School getting teachers different supplies, making copies, trying to find a sub for a teacher who didn't show up, stepping into one of the nursery rooms to help with a screaming child, etc. And then when I look at the clock, I realize I've completely missed church and my own chance to worship. I try not to let this happen often because the truth is, I become cynical and resentful that I have to work while others get to worship. Then the Lord reminds me that I don't have to be in a worship service to worship him...I can worship him anywhere. Thankfully this last Sunday, after a week of mayhem knows as Vacation Bible School, I got to go to the Refuge, our contemporary worship service. As I was worshipping, the Lord brought to mind each of my friends and I remembered what it was like to be in the same room worshipping together. That's what I really miss. There's something so powerful about standing next to someone in worship that you've walked through the depths of despair with or laughed with or shared your most hideous sins with and know that all that is forgiven. Even though they weren't there with me physically on Sunday, I was comforted to know that they were all worshipping somewhere else and because of the bond we have in Christ, we were and are still worshipping together. It's moments like those that make me giddy to get to Heaven. Our God is mighty to save...

Mighty to Save
by: Hillsong
Everyone needs compassion
Love that’s never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Saviour
The hope of nations Saviour
He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender
Shine Your light
and let the whole world see
We’re singing
For the glory
of the risen King

My friend, Hannah got married this weekend. It was beautiful. She's only 20 which seems so young to me but then again, I know I wasn't ready to get married that young. After the wedding I went back to the hotel where some friends were staying. Now many of my friends these days are younger than me...Starbucks tends to hire college students. I don't mind this. I've met some great people but it's always funny to me when I meet new people and my age comes up. It's usually the same conversation...one of my friends will say, "Guess how old Cynthia is." Then we wait for their response. I usually get 24 which is fine by me...I mean, who can complain when they're told they look younger than they really are. On Saturday, however, I was really surprised when I was told I look 22! I only wish I felt 22! This past weekend has kicked my butt more than normal. My body just doesn't feel up to par. I can't really explain it; I just know that I may look 24 but my body is definitely 31. Today I was supposed to head to Annual Conference but instead I chose to spend the day in my bed in hopes that I can shake whatever this is. I've been watching movies and trying not to feel guilty thinking about all the things I need to be doing. What's weird is that usually when I spend a day watching movies I choose things like Pride and Prejudice, Hitch, 27 Dresses...you know, those girly movies. Today I've been watching Batman Begins and Swat. Maybe I'm getting in touch with my masculine side.

I think I'm finally finished with all my home improvements. Of course, the painting wasn't planned until after I got the light fixtures up so there's no telling what I may do next! 

I stole this from Camille

i am: a white mocha chip frappuccino.
i think: too much.
i know: that my computer is going to die soon.
i want: to go to the beach.
i have: clean hair.
i wish: all of my friends lived in the same place.
i hate: that gas is so high!
i miss: my friends from seminary.
i fear: that I may never get married.
i feel: tired after a long week.
i hear: a banjo.
i smell: coffee.
i crave: peach cobbler.
i search: for ways to save money and get out of debt quicker.
i wonder: what the future holds.
i regret: using credit cards so much in college and seminary.
i love: my friends...and blue bell icecream.
i ache: for poverty.
i care: about making a difference in the world.
i always: get excited when it's time to climb into my bed.
i am not: always confident.
i believe: that God made everything beautiful.
i dance: when no one is watching.
i sing: when no one is listening.
i don’t always: love like I should.
i fight: with myself more than others.
i write: a lot less than I used to.
i win: um, i don't play games all that often.
i lose: when I'm not honest.
i never: leave home without my cellphone. 
i confuse: others when I don't make sense.
i listen: as much as possible.
i can usually be found: at Starbucks.
i am scared: of snakes (stolen from Camille) and thriller movies!
i need: Jesus.
i am happy about: watching Grey's Anatomy and LOST tonight!

Lately I've been thinking a lot about space, creating space for worship, for play, for stillness. I love that whole concept of creating space. I think if I could do things differently I may have majored in something that allowed me to explore that more in-depth. Last weekend I pulled out my camera and just went around town and took pictures. I'm realizing that I need to create space for those things I really enjoy doing that allow me to exercise my creative tendencies. I also got to go to Portico in West Monroe last weekend. Portico is a worship service that stems from First West. They meet in an old bank building every Sunday night. It mainly attracts college students, but there were also a few people my age there too. When we got back to Ruston, I told Brandi that I'm learning more and more how much I have to create my own space to worship. That may sound strange since I work at a church, but Sundays are so busy for me and unfortunately feel like work. When I do get the opportunity to go to one of our worship services, I still find myself thinking about what's happening in the nursery or the Refinery. I'm grateful that the Lord is providing those spaces for me...I look forward to many more Sunday nights at Portico.

Last night I babysat 2 precious little girls that I've known since they were born in KY when we all still lived there. They are your typical little girls, into pink, pretending they're princesses (which they are), and fairy tales. As we snuggled up on the couch to watch Cinderella, I couldn't help but roll my eyes and wonder if watching these types of movies isn't toxic. I know that sounds a little harsh and I may be a little cynical, but nonetheless, it got me thinking. Why are all Disney movies about happily ever afters? Even grown-up romance flicks generally have that same message. Don't get me wrong...I love them and tend to watch them multiple times if I find one that I really like. At the same time, as much as they're meant to be "feel good" movies, I often leave the theater feeling...empty and alone and wondering when I'll find my "happily ever after." I'll usually recluse myself into my own little world and ponder my past relationships. To top the evening off, the girls kept asking me why I'm not married. That's never an easy question to answer, but especially to 2 little girls who didn't seem to accept any of my answers. My friend, April, suggested that I tell them that smart women don't get married because it's too much work:) The truth is most relationships are not like the fairy tales depicted by Disney or other movies. But as I was praying about it, something occurred to me. We are a part of one fairy tale relationship; one that will give us that happily ever after we so long for. Sometimes I don't understand the way he works, but I know that Jesus is crazy about me and wants so much to rescue me like Prince Charming. Maybe this is what we can teach little girls when they get wrapped up into their own fairy tales and wonder if their Prince Charming will come for them one day.

Thanks to my friend, Steve, I got those lyrics I was talking about on my blog Sunday.

Shaken by the truth that You are God
No deed can bring You pleasure
Or word add measure
To who You are
I lift my heart in worship
Taken by the truth You are God
Silenced by Your virtue
Surrendered and in awe
Of who You are
Bless the Lord with all that's in me
Bless the Lord
May kingdoms fall and rulers crawl
Before Your throne
I want to give all of me
I'm givin' You all of me
I want to give all of me
I'm givin' You all of me

This morning I actually got to worship at church. It's funny how when you work at a church, it's really hard to find that sacred space for yourself to worship. Responsibilities and tasks seem to trump it every week for me. This week I was determined. I wish I could find the lyrics to one of the songs Scott sang this morning...it pierced my heart. I'm limited on time right now but I intend to continue searching for it so I can post it on here. Anyway, before we sang this particular song, Scott led us through a personal prayer time of relinquishing the most evident thing in our life that keeps us from truly praising Him. This is always easy for me, not the relinquishing part but the identifying part. It's my singleness. As much as I don't want that to inhibit my view on the Lord's goodness in my life, sometimes I let it. So with all that was in me, I relinquished...again. I don't know how long it will last...I'm sure I'll have to relinquish again before the day is over. As much as I thought moving back home would make it harder, in some ways it's been easier. There have not been many men for me to even be interested in here....I feel as though I'm surrounded by mediocreness (is that a word?) in that department. I feel sort of judgmental saying that, but let's face it, the pool of single men my age around these parts is slim. Looking back on past relationships, I can see those that have spoiled me and those where I've settled. I don't want to settle....I shouldn't have to. In the past few weeks I've met someone. Now don't get all excited, it's just a crush on my part really, but getting to know him, I don't see mediocre. He loves the Lord, he's responsible, he's smart, he's genuine, he's kind, he's respectful, he's funny, he's cute....he's also unfortunately young. It's weird to be my age and have those all too familiar feelings of butterflies in my stomach and that anticipation of when I will see him next. I feel like a school-girl. At the same time, I'm trying not to make more of it than what it is...a potential new friend. He reminds me that it's okay to have high standards and that there are still good ones out there. I don't want to be cynical, but I want to be okay with who I am as a single woman. The thought of being alone the rest of my life scares me...it does, but I do love my life. I love my independence. I want God to be enough because he is, I have to completely trust in that. So today, I choose to relinquish.

I always forget how much I love Louisiana in the springtime. I think it's because it lasts for a millisecond then dreaded summer hits. I'm crossing my fingers that since we had such an odd winter (snow) that maybe this summer will surprise us and we won't reach the 100+ humidity range. I'm not sure what the Lord was thinking when he created humidity. Of course, on the other hand, when I was living in KY I learned that the reason my skin was so dry and I stayed sick in the winter was because of the lack of humidity and I had to go out and buy a humidifier. I recently threw it away since I'm now back in the South and because it sprung a leak and water was all over my floor one day. My car has also decided to play a funny joke on me and not blow out that ice-cold air that I so much depend on during those hot summer days. Yesterday I got an unwelcome glimpse of what my summer could look like if I don't get it checked out. Since freon has already been put in my car this year, I now know that the problem is most likely serious...a.k.a expensive. I'm trying to prepare myself and trying to hold out til next month when those lovely government rebates get doled out.

I'm ready for the weekend. TWO whole days off!!! That's a small miracle. I will be painting a wall in my bedroom, hanging out with friends, going to see Sweet Charity at Tech, and sleeping late! I can't wait. Oh, and I almost forgot...watching Grey's Anatomy and Lost. I have to close at Starbucks tonight so I'll be taping those!

Thank you to so many of you who've been asking about my small group this week. Only 3 of us were able to get together, one of which I already knew, but it was still good. I tend to work better in groups of 3 anyway. This week I met Notosha. Not only are we around the same age and single, she's the children's pastor at Crossroads. We're already making plans to get together, hang out, and brainstorm children's ministry ideas together. Tonight our booths were across the way from each other at Dinner and a Movie at Railroad Park. I love seeing what other people are doing in their ministries and to hear how they're exceling. That's what being a community is all about; it's not a competition to see who can get what family to our church. A friend of mine and her family went to Dessert Fest last weekend at Christ Community. Her kids absolutely loved it! Because of that, they are going to go back and visit one Sunday. They grew up Catholic so they're excited about trying out different churches around the area. I think this is so great. This weekend is a crazy one. Last night I helped Starbucks serve coffee and tea at a Healthy Woman seminar the local hospital sponsored. Tonight was Railroad Park. Tomorrow is Time out for Tech with Starbucks. Sunday is children's sermon, my least favorite Sunday of the month. I continue to learn that just because you're good at something doesn't mean you enjoy doing it. Children's sermon....case in point. I'll be glad when Sunday afternoon is upon me and I can take a big ole nap!

One of my biggest struggles since I've been back in Ruston is finding a place where I belong...a group of friends that I can totally be myself and hold me accountable to my sinful self. This week I ran into an old friend, Brandi, in Starbucks. I was delighted to see her since I knew she had recently moved back to Ruston as well. As we shared our similar struggles to find community within a group of women that are at a similar place in life, she began to list the names of other women that she knew directly or indirectly that might be interested in starting a small group of some sort. I was thrilled. The next day Brandi e-mailed us all and on Wednesday night 4 out of 6 of us will meet for the first time at Starbucks. It was a much needed reminder that God has not forgotten me here, even on those days when I feel like I'm alone. I know that I'm not alone. I have great friends from my past and from Starbucks. There's just something about meeting with other women that are around my age who understand what it's like to be single yet still hoping that someday the Lord will fulfill that desire of my heart. And the other cool thing is that most of us are in full-time ministry so that's just another thing we have in common. I'm excited about the prospect of having these women journey with me.

I know it seems like I've disappeared. I haven't. I just can't seem to remember the all too important task of blogging every week. I'm going to try to do better. Promise. In the meantime, I must go back to work.

I finally took some pictures of my apartment...now that I've been living in it for over a month. I love it...except for the high utility bill. Everything is electric so I'm not sure what the summer holds!