grace eventually.

When I was in seminary, I took a counseling class on walking clients through forgiveness. I honestly think it was more enlightening for us than it would ever be for our clients. We had to face those places in our lives where we were will still harboring unforgiveness. I honestly thought I had dealt with those hard places...until a year ago. It was then that I realized just how layered our hurts can be. Several months ago I learned that a person I had once loved betrayed again. This time it wasn't me. Yet, I found those ugly feelings of anger, betrayal, mistrust, and unforgiveness welling up inside of me. My resounding question was, "How could he?" Sadly, this has been a familiar question I've asked since then, not about this guy, but about countless others who have betrayed...betrayed people I love. And yet, in all these situations, I've been called to help my loved ones walk through forgiveness. It's a daunting task really, especially when you come face to face with your own lack of forgiveness.

I've actually been contemplating this post for awhile, composing thoughts in my head, which is never a good idea, by the way, because most of the time my mind is a jumbled mess. I blame it on the job...up at 5am every morning. Although I prefer to open so I can a) get it over with, and b) have the rest of the afternoon/evening to do what I want (sleep), after day 3 of early mornings, I'm pretty sure I look like a walking zombie. For instance, I have very little recollection of this morning, other than repeating the same prayer over and over in my head, but I digress.

Yesterday I decided instead of sleeping the afternoon away causing myself to not sleep well last night I would treat myself to a movie (or 2). It's a great alternative when you live some place that's reaching the 106 degree mark everyday. Free refills on soda and blasting AC. Not to mention that because of my wonderful connections, I have free movie passes (thanks, Sarah). I decided to make it a Rom-Com day. I started out in Friends With Benefits, which I had actually already seen and loved and then ended my movie marathon with Crazy, Stupid, Love. Now although there are certainly things I don't agree with about these movies, what I fell in love with were the heartfelt stories.

In FWB, you meet 2 emotionally damaged/unavailable 20-somethings who are done with love. So, after developing a solid friendship, they decide to try out this whole "friends with benefits" concept. I don't want to ruin the ending for you, but as you can probably guess, it only works out for a little while. But, what I appreciate about the relationship that's developed between Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis' characters is that they learn to really let their guards down and to truly be themselves. They don't just develop some Hollywood romance, they invest in one another and become best friends. Now it seems everything I've been reading and watching lately has been talking about this concept of marrying your best friend. For a long time, I would get really irritated when I would hear people gushing about this, but what that boils down to is me hanging onto hurt and disappointment from past relationships. I fell in love with my best friend in college. He didn't love me back. In fact, he didn't take care of my heart at all. When I became best friends with another guy in seminary, I found myself guarded at times, afraid of the outcome. Thankfully, he proved over and over again that he only wanted to protect my heart and he's still my best friend today. Did we fall in love? No. Do I still measure most guys I meet to him? Absolutely. So how does one end up marrying their best friend? Does it happen when two friends have this "aha" moment that they want to move past friends to lovers? The truth of the matter is that friendship is required for a relationship to really work. Attraction and passion ebb and flow, but it's the friendship that stands the test of time. (Now I sound like a cheesy Hallmark card). I've been reading Don Miller's latest blogs on relationships. (I borrowed the sweet photo above from him.) I suppose now that he's engaged he feels he can offer up his expertise on finding your soul mate. He offers some good insights. Specifically he talks about finding that person you're willing to run the marathon with. It's a good analogy, really. Marriage is a commitment that is supposed to last forever. It's not meant to be over as soon as things get rough. Unfortunately, we as women tend to get caught up in the fairytale romances that happen on the big screen, myself included, but what is often left out is what happens after the couple finally makes that big plunge into "happily ever after."

This brings me to Crazy, Stupid, Love. This is a movie more about seasoned love, with a few other emerging love stories in the background. It's one of those that has a surprise twist that leaves you laughing at the irony. Steve Carrell and Julianne Moore play the typical married couple who have grown apart after 25 years of marriage. Their lives have become mundane, so Emily, Julianne's character, sleeps with a coworker, then informs Cal, Steve's character, that she wants a divorce. Honestly, I don't think she really wants a divorce, I think she just wants to know that their marriage is still worth fighting for. From there we follow Steve's character as he tries to figure out where things went wrong. Along the way he meets Jacob, a womanizing, suave, very confident, very good-looking younger guy who wants to help him "find his manhood." This comes about in a variety of ways: new wardrobe, working out, learning how to talk to women, and then sleeping with them (not such a fan of that one). What he learns as this new life backfires on him is that the woman he fell in love with at the age of 13 is still the same woman he's in love with today. Their day-to-day life made him forget that just because she said yes years ago did not mean that he could stop pursuing her and proving to her everyday that she was worth fighting for. This is where that marathon analogy comes in. They both lost sight of what they had committed to. They lost their friendship. They stopped training and became lazy to the point of almost giving up and making poor decisions that leave them both even more hurt, more confused, and uncertain of their future. They come to a crossroads. Do they begin investing in each other and their family again or do they give up? You'll have to watch the movie to find out what they decide. Plus, those other love stories included in this movie that I mentioned earlier are highly entertaining.

Go see them. I would love to hear your thoughts.

If anyone had told me what was in store for 2011, I probably wouldn't have believed them. I'm kind of glad we don't know our future. God knows I'd be in a constant state of anxiety 24/7. The last 6 weeks have been nothing short of humbling and somewhat transformational. I've had to learn to let go of what my life was, the security I held in a salaried income, and even a good friend. Honestly, losing the job was nothing compared to losing my friend. I wish I had some great insight into that, but honestly I don't. I've always been told that there are friends that you have for a season and then there are the friends you have for life. I guess I just didn't realize our season would only last a little over a year. Another friend sent me this quote not too long ago, "Don't save room for somebody in your life who makes no effort to want to stay." Although I think it's dead-on, I have a hard time letting go, especially when there's no explanation or closure, but I'm doing the best I can & trusting that it's all for the better. I will always love this person and one day maybe I won't want to punch them in the face when I see them or hear about them from someone else.

I'm also trying to focus on other things, school being a primary one. I'm in the process of finding out info on finishing my counseling degree here at Tech while continuing to work at Starbucks. The program is 30 hours of class work and then 15 hours of practicum/internship. I'm hoping to transfer a few classes in from Asbury to cut it down even more! Would love prayers for this. I'm still not sure where the money's going to come from, but I know that God will provide if it's the right step.

We're having a Beth Moore simulcast here at Trinity based on her newest book, So Long, Insecurity. The books came in this week and I decided to read as much as I could before the 24th. Of course, after reading the Table of Contents, my attention was drawn to Chapter 12: Through the Eyes of the Guys. She surveys 150 men on their insecurities, as well as how they view insecurity in women. The same day I picked this book up, I see Don Miller has written a blog entitled "What Women Really Need From Men" followed by "What Men Really Need From Women." Interesting. Based off these two outlooks, I've decided to do a little comparative analysis. Take it for what it's worth:)

According to Beth, men and women aren't all that different in our insecurities. We all worry about being desirable to the opposite sex and we all want to be loved, however the #1 insecurity for men is fear of failure. Both Beth & Don talk about how fathers make a significant impact on this. If they don't have a strong male role-model (preferably their dad) encouraging them, they spend the majority of their life trying to get it elsewhere. Typically when men feel insecure, they withdraw. Women, on the other hand, cling. Men prefer not to admit they're feeling insecure, while we women pester men to death to help us feel less insecure, yes? For women it's no surprise that men notice our #1 insecurity to be our appearance. We buy into this idea that we need to look a certain way when in reality, guys aren't necessarily looking for that type of beauty. Other insecurities men see in women include irrational jealousies, full-blown emotional episodes, an obsession with what people think, and an insatiable need for affirmation. Sigh... I wish I could say they were wrong but alas, I struggle with all of these, sometimes all at the same time! Men prefer their women confident, not for their sakes but for ours because let's face it, when we're struggling with insecurity, we feel miserable.

According to Don, what women are looking for in men is confidence, strenghth, and mystery. He suggests that guys should first work on themselves, find their passions, and invite us into their adventure. Basically, have a life outside of us. Ironically, his blog on what men are looking for is longer (go figure). What a guy needs is a strong, confident woman. Hmmm...sounds very similar to what we're looking for, yes? Beauty is an important factor but not in terms of what's deemed as beautiful by society. Beauty comes in the form of taking care of yourself but not to the point that you come across as desperate. The truth is, ladies, we're all beautiful in our own unique way. I say this to myself as much as I'm saying it to you. Beth mentions in her book that one thing men have noticed is how we as women tend to compare ourselves to one another. I say this all the time. When I get dressed to go somewhere, I'm dressing for either a) my gay boyfriends or b) my girlfriends. They're the ones that are truly going to notice. Now I'm sure guys aren't completely oblivious, but in truth, we as women do typically compare ourselves to other women. Don also says that men want women who respect them, who have a vision for life, and who are choosy. I really appreciate the last one because as a woman in my early 30's it's hard when people question why I'm not married. The truth is I never want to settle. I think being choosy can come across as being snotty. That's certainly not the case. As myself and most of my single girlfriends agree, I would rather be single than than in an unhappy marriage. I'm sure I could've been married right out of college like many of my friends (most of which are still happily married, by the way), but in order for that to have happened, I would've married someone for all the wrong reasons. I'm speaking for myself here, but I think if we surveyed women, they too would want a man who's respectful, has a vision for life, especially that involves both of us, and is choosy.

Today I watched an interview with Don where he talked a lot about relationships and his singleness. He's reached a point at 38 where he's content with his life, not that he doesn't desire to be married and have a family. He's focusing on his own story and becoming content with who he is before inviting someone else to join in on his adventure. He mentioned in the interview that he's come to a place where he feels like he can sacrificially love others in his life without expecting anything in return.

What I've gleaned from both authors is that despite our insecurities and what we may be looking for from each other, we can't be the "be-all and end-all" for the opposite sex. We can't seek all our fulfillment from one another. Sure we can partially, but only God can love us perfectly and completely because we are imperfect and have a hard enough time loving ourselves completely, much less one another. The best we can do is strive for Don's mindset of loving the best we can without expecting anything in return.

So I get on these kicks where I pick one movie or tv show and it stays in my DVD player for weeks. For the longest time it was the Gilmore Girls, but we all must take a break from Stars Hollow now and again. As of late, I've been watching You've Got Mail. I remember seeing it in theaters. I was in college (during the time of dial-up internet), it came out in December right around my best friend April's birthday. Although I don't remember the exact year, I do remember which guy she was dating, but I will refrain from mentioning as he is insignificant in her life now. Anyway, the other day I was folding laundry while You've Got Mail played in the background and my ears perked up when I heard Meg Ryan say, "On my birthday, I wandered into the over-30 (chat)room as a joke..." I froze. Did she just say OVER 30? That means that me, along with several of my girlfriends are now catching up to our favorite movie characters! Eek! Not that I mind being in my 30's. So far it's served me well minus a few unmet dreams here and there. It's just weird.

Last night I babysat 2 precious little girls that I've known since they were born in KY when we all still lived there. They are your typical little girls, into pink, pretending they're princesses (which they are), and fairy tales. As we snuggled up on the couch to watch Cinderella, I couldn't help but roll my eyes and wonder if watching these types of movies isn't toxic. I know that sounds a little harsh and I may be a little cynical, but nonetheless, it got me thinking. Why are all Disney movies about happily ever afters? Even grown-up romance flicks generally have that same message. Don't get me wrong...I love them and tend to watch them multiple times if I find one that I really like. At the same time, as much as they're meant to be "feel good" movies, I often leave the theater feeling...empty and alone and wondering when I'll find my "happily ever after." I'll usually recluse myself into my own little world and ponder my past relationships. To top the evening off, the girls kept asking me why I'm not married. That's never an easy question to answer, but especially to 2 little girls who didn't seem to accept any of my answers. My friend, April, suggested that I tell them that smart women don't get married because it's too much work:) The truth is most relationships are not like the fairy tales depicted by Disney or other movies. But as I was praying about it, something occurred to me. We are a part of one fairy tale relationship; one that will give us that happily ever after we so long for. Sometimes I don't understand the way he works, but I know that Jesus is crazy about me and wants so much to rescue me like Prince Charming. Maybe this is what we can teach little girls when they get wrapped up into their own fairy tales and wonder if their Prince Charming will come for them one day.

This morning I actually got to worship at church. It's funny how when you work at a church, it's really hard to find that sacred space for yourself to worship. Responsibilities and tasks seem to trump it every week for me. This week I was determined. I wish I could find the lyrics to one of the songs Scott sang this morning...it pierced my heart. I'm limited on time right now but I intend to continue searching for it so I can post it on here. Anyway, before we sang this particular song, Scott led us through a personal prayer time of relinquishing the most evident thing in our life that keeps us from truly praising Him. This is always easy for me, not the relinquishing part but the identifying part. It's my singleness. As much as I don't want that to inhibit my view on the Lord's goodness in my life, sometimes I let it. So with all that was in me, I relinquished...again. I don't know how long it will last...I'm sure I'll have to relinquish again before the day is over. As much as I thought moving back home would make it harder, in some ways it's been easier. There have not been many men for me to even be interested in here....I feel as though I'm surrounded by mediocreness (is that a word?) in that department. I feel sort of judgmental saying that, but let's face it, the pool of single men my age around these parts is slim. Looking back on past relationships, I can see those that have spoiled me and those where I've settled. I don't want to settle....I shouldn't have to. In the past few weeks I've met someone. Now don't get all excited, it's just a crush on my part really, but getting to know him, I don't see mediocre. He loves the Lord, he's responsible, he's smart, he's genuine, he's kind, he's respectful, he's funny, he's cute....he's also unfortunately young. It's weird to be my age and have those all too familiar feelings of butterflies in my stomach and that anticipation of when I will see him next. I feel like a school-girl. At the same time, I'm trying not to make more of it than what it is...a potential new friend. He reminds me that it's okay to have high standards and that there are still good ones out there. I don't want to be cynical, but I want to be okay with who I am as a single woman. The thought of being alone the rest of my life scares me...it does, but I do love my life. I love my independence. I want God to be enough because he is, I have to completely trust in that. So today, I choose to relinquish.

I got off work at 11:30 last night and realized quickly how tired I was not. I always get this window each night that I need to go to bed if I'm actually going to fall asleep. Once that window passes, I know I'm going to be up til the wee hours of the morning. Last night was one of those nights, so I drove around for awhile. It was a perfect night to have the windows down. I can finally feel fall starting to set in. When I was in college I had a set path I would drive whenever I needed to get out of the house or some time to just be alone to think and pray. It's weird driving that same path now at 30 thinking about my life then, my life now. My prayers are not all that different, some of the same longings remain. I became aware of my impending loneliness all over again. Last night I remembered a day back in college when I had driven to the prayer garden on the outskirts of Ruston. I had just found out that my best friend, also coincidentally the love of my college life, was getting married. I felt lost and confused. I wondered if I would ever be happy again. A few months later the Lord took me in places I never thought I would go...Chicago, then seminary. He's provided me with the best friends a girl could ever have, but there are nights like last night when I still feel like I'm missing something, someone...a person to share my life with. At the same time I know marriage is not perfect...I have friends who have shared their struggles being a wife and mother. It's a huge committment, but still one I hope to be a part of someday. I was listening to Matt Wertz as I was driving...this is the song I kept coming back to.

Windows down as the night blows in
Tap the beat on the wheel as the tires spin
Until we're there crank the radio
We'll join in with the songs we know

Hey, everything's right, said everything's right tonight
Hey, everything's right, said everything's right tonight

Smiles light up as we walk in
Old conversations begin again
Nostalgia's thick as the August air
It takes us back to a time when we didn't care, we didn't care

Hey, everything's right, said everything's right tonight
Hey, everything's right, said everything's right tonight