grace eventually.

Why is trusting God with my heart so difficult? I’ve realized, yet again, that I continue to struggle with this. It shows up most in relation to my singleness. Not a month ago I was walking into my apartment and I realized that for the first time in a long time, I actually wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was content in my new city with new friends, getting settled and just living life. Then a boy entered the picture. Suddenly all these strange emotions started overwhelming me and my thoughts became consumed with this really cute, really funny, presumably single guy. Except, I really don’t know much about him and I’m not sure I ever will. Fast forward a couple of weeks and said guy is now moving on, not from me per se, but from our shared circumstances that continued to put us in the same room from time to time. Today as I was driving from one job to the next, I found myself yelling at God (again) that I was disappointed. I’m disappointed that this potential new “friendship” is ending before it’s even started, that for a split second I got my hopes us that maybe, just maybe, the odds were ever in my favor. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I trust God with parts of my life, but when it comes to matters of the heart, not so much. Those relationships that don’t work out, it never occurs to me that maybe He’s protecting me from something. Just because it looks good on paper doesn’t mean that it’s what’s best for me. Nashville is my 7^th move and honestly, hopefully my last. I’ve been amazed at how God has provided for me since I made the decision to move here. Living in Nashville has been a dream of mine since visiting back in 2007 when my friend, Matt, still lived here. My first weekend here was also my church’s first weekend to meet full-time. Up to that point, they had only been meeting once a month at most. I have an incredible church family that gets me and that stands for exactly what I believe. You have no idea how refreshing that is, especially considering how hard my heart was that first week. My nights are filled with concerts and new restaurants with new friends. So why am I still holding on to this idea that my life is incomplete without a man by my side? I wish I wasn’t one of those girls. I think I believed it would get easier as I got older and it wasn’t so much about the peer pressure of having a boyfriend. But now, it’s legitimately about desiring a life partner. I’m grateful for my independence, but sometimes, I wish I didn’t have to be so independent. And for any young girls out there reading this, navigating crushes in your 30’s isn’t any easier.

Community Group outing to Vista Lights

One year ago I packed up what belongings I could cram into my Honda and started the journey to Columbia, SC. I would be lying if I said I had no expectations. I had some...that God quickly did not meet like I had hoped, but as I reflect on the past 365 days, the one thing I can say for certain is that God has been beside me every step of the way, even during those days of utter darkness when I questioned whether I made the right move, if my motives were pure, if He had a purpose for me here. I think the one thing that stands out about the past year is the community He has placed around me from day one. Those of you who’ve kept up with my blog may remember me talking about my first night in town when the Syferts through a “Welcome to Columbia” party for me. That night I was introduced to their Community Group. Today they are MY community group. Although some of them have moved away, the people that came to welcome me that night, along with others, have become my family. They were the ones who showed up on a Saturday morning in August and helped me and my Dad unload a U-Haul truck of everything I had left behind when I finally moved into my own place. Not too long ago, Luke and I were talking about the group. He made the comment, “You don’t just need them. They need you.” I am grateful for this need we have for one another.

Then there are my work girls, the ones who keep me going when customers are being trying, things are falling apart, and I’m exhausted beyond belief. They check in on me on my day off and are quick to call when I say I’m having a bad day. Even the Starbucks that God put me in has a purpose for me, although I still struggle with fulfilling that purpose on many occasions. 

And lastly, I’m finally back in school pursuing the degree that’s been in the back of my mind since I left Asbury 6 years ago, counseling. I’m utterly amazed at how God orchestrates our lives when we choose to trust Him. I read this quote today in Brennan Mannings, “Ruthless Trust.”

Our story is perhaps a paradigm for every trusting disciple. The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise.

I’ve declared 2013 as a year of risk, which looking back on 2012, moving to Columbia was quite a risk for me. But there’s still so much more that God is calling me to. In the meantime, I have to trust Him that when things don’t seem to go the way I planned or hoped, it doesn’t change His love, His promises, or His purpose for me.

Happy 2013, everyone!

Oh, and not to disappoint my adoring readers, I need to give a shout out to my new friend, Gord Downie! I’m sure you’ll end up in a blog post soon;-)

Have you ever wondered at what age we truly start to understand the meaning of trust? I wonder if it's the first time that trust is broken. Yesterday and today I took a walk at Cook Park. I noticed that as I would pass a child on his bike or a little boy playing on the equipment, they would look up at me and say hi. One little one even blew me a kiss this afternoon! As adults we're typically not that quick to acknowledge someone we don't know as we pass by. In fact, cultural norm seems to be to look down and not make eye contact. Why is this? I mean, I do it too. I attribute it to my shyness. Even as a kid I think I was the one who would cling to my mom or dad's legs when anyone tried to talk to me. Then again, I do remember writing lines in kindergarten many days during recess for talking too much in class. As we get older, we go through circumstances that cause us to put up walls of protection as an attempt to hedge our hearts from more unnecessary pain. We enter into relationships automatically assuming that we're going to get hurt. In truth, at some point we will get hurt. We're human and although it's not intentional, we do at times hurt the people we love causing us to take a step back from that trust we worked so hard to build. I guess I just wish sometimes we could go back to the playground days...you know, when boys told you that you were ugly because deep down they really liked you. Oh wait, I guess life was confusing back then too:)