grace eventually.

Last time we were all together: July 2013.

Coping with depression is not easy. There are days when I choose to stay in bed and hide under the covers all day. It’s not necessarily productive, but sometimes it’s what I need. For those of you who struggle with depression, I’ve decided to share a few of my personal forms of therapy with you. Now in order for this therapy to be effective, it often times requires laying down your pride and asking for help. I struggle with this often, but the truth is, we can’t survive on our own. None of us can.

Family. When I moved to Columbia, the Syferts graciously let me live with them for six months. During that time I fell even more in love with their two girls. Since then I have asked them if I could use their home as a place of refuge when my depression is heightened. They welcome me any time, no questions asked, no invitation needed. I am so grateful for them and the way they love me.
Creating. I love projects. I think that’s why my home is always changing. I get restless and need to create something. Whether it’s painting a canvas, taking pictures, or making Christmas ornaments, this is a way for me to calm my soul. It doesn’t have to be something extravagant. It’s really just about finding a hobby, something you enjoy doing.
Community. One of the first things God blessed me with upon my arrival to Columbia was my Community Group. I sort of fell in to them since the Syferts were already a part, but it’s a perfect fit. One thing I especially appreciate about them is how they take care of me and want to be a part of my life: the good, the bad, and the ugly. We are a broken group who desires to love well and to show that love to the people we encounter on a daily basis.
Walking. Now this one is not always my first go to, but it’s one of those things that is good for me not just emotionally, but physically. There’s a park close to my house that I’ve found that’s perfect to disengage with the world for a while and reconnect with God through creation.
Killian. My dog, Merlot, lives with my parents. I’m not allowed to have a dog in my apartment, plus Merlot’s grandparents refuse to part with her, but in the meantime, I’ve met a wonderful, sweet, loving 60lb lab named Killian. She and I have weekly sleepovers and she provides me with a great deal of comfort when she’s around. I can talk to her about anything and I know my secrets are safe with her and it doesn’t change how she feels about me:-)
Gilmore Girls. This is a silly one, I know, but I love this show. It’s witty, clean, and full of eclectic people you grow to love. I own all seven seasons and I have it on rotation in my DVD player quite often. I enjoy disengaging at the end of the day by watching an episode or two. It just works for me.

The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. -Aristotle

Recently I was visiting a friend on my way back from Columbia after a few days at home. His brother and I somehow got into a conversation about depression. He was sharing about a girl he knew who had committed suicide. He talked about how she always came across as one of those people who typically seemed happy all the time. As the conversation continued, he mentioned that he didn’t understand how anyone could end their lives voluntarily. I sort of cringed. This is a common statement for people who have never dealt with depression. Now before anyone starts calling any emergency hotlines (MOM), let me set the record straight. I am not suicidal. However, I will admit I have been so far in the depths of depression that I have prayed to God to just take me. In moments like these, I know I’m not rational. The pain overtakes everything else and it’s hard to see past it. After talking to close friends and my counselor, I decided that a therapeutic way for me to deal with my own depression would be to write about it. My hope is that my writing will be informative, especially for those who have never struggled with depression. Now, I’m not an expert on the subject. Most of my writing will be from a personal standpoint. 

When I was in seminary, I took a counseling class on walking clients through forgiveness. I honestly think it was more enlightening for us than it would ever be for our clients. We had to face those places in our lives where we were will still harboring unforgiveness. I honestly thought I had dealt with those hard places...until a year ago. It was then that I realized just how layered our hurts can be. Several months ago I learned that a person I had once loved betrayed again. This time it wasn't me. Yet, I found those ugly feelings of anger, betrayal, mistrust, and unforgiveness welling up inside of me. My resounding question was, "How could he?" Sadly, this has been a familiar question I've asked since then, not about this guy, but about countless others who have betrayed...betrayed people I love. And yet, in all these situations, I've been called to help my loved ones walk through forgiveness. It's a daunting task really, especially when you come face to face with your own lack of forgiveness.

This time every year for the past 3+ years, you would find me at the Gwinnett Center in Duluth GA for the annual Catalyst Leadership Conference. Incredible leaders of all types come and impart their wisdom upon pastors and church leaders from all over the US. Up and coming worship leaders take the stage and lead us into heartfelt times of communion with the Lord. There's nothing quite like worshiping with literally thousands of other believers in one place. There's also times of crazy skits and attempts to create our own Doritos commercial for the Super Bowl which sadly did not win last year. What stands out to me the most about this conference is not all the hoopla, but how God always shows up to speak directly to me. Without a doubt, each October I'm entering into some kind of hard season. Questioning my purpose, my role in ministry, my worth as his beloved child. Every year one or more speakers stands up and speaks directly to these doubts and brings me to a new place of assurance that I AM NOT ALONE. Ministry is by far one of the most challenging jobs one can do. It's easy for your own spiritual well-being to be put on the back-burner as you attempt to lead others to the foot of the Cross, proclaiming the very truth that you yourself have lost sight of.

Last year, I remember spending the day before the conference sick in my hotel room, looking up jobs in Nashville, schools that offered good counseling graduate programs, and praying with all my might that the Lord would reveal to me what His next steps for me might be. I was still at Trinity, but even then I could sense that my time would be coming to an end soon. I didn't share this with many people, just my close friends scattered across the globe who were fervently praying for me. This year I'm sitting at a local coffee shop, wishing so much I was at Catalyst, only this year I'm not questioning. Had the Lord revealed to me what He had in store for me this past year, I probably would have been in disbelief. He is faithful. He brings about change in ways we never thought we could handle. He introduces us to new people that step in and commit to walking the journey with us.

Last year, like all the years before, I left Catalyst feeling rejuvenated and certain that God had not abandoned me, but was continuing to mold me and to shape me into something that only he could create. I just have to trust him and be willing to jump into the unknown WITH HIM. Because when we finally let go, we find we have nothing to lose.

Today as we celebrate the life of a great leader and innovator, I leave you with this quote from Steve Jobs:

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything -- all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.... Stay hungry. Stay foolish.