grace eventually.

Last time we were all together: July 2013.

Community Group outing to Vista Lights

One year ago I packed up what belongings I could cram into my Honda and started the journey to Columbia, SC. I would be lying if I said I had no expectations. I had some...that God quickly did not meet like I had hoped, but as I reflect on the past 365 days, the one thing I can say for certain is that God has been beside me every step of the way, even during those days of utter darkness when I questioned whether I made the right move, if my motives were pure, if He had a purpose for me here. I think the one thing that stands out about the past year is the community He has placed around me from day one. Those of you who’ve kept up with my blog may remember me talking about my first night in town when the Syferts through a “Welcome to Columbia” party for me. That night I was introduced to their Community Group. Today they are MY community group. Although some of them have moved away, the people that came to welcome me that night, along with others, have become my family. They were the ones who showed up on a Saturday morning in August and helped me and my Dad unload a U-Haul truck of everything I had left behind when I finally moved into my own place. Not too long ago, Luke and I were talking about the group. He made the comment, “You don’t just need them. They need you.” I am grateful for this need we have for one another.

Then there are my work girls, the ones who keep me going when customers are being trying, things are falling apart, and I’m exhausted beyond belief. They check in on me on my day off and are quick to call when I say I’m having a bad day. Even the Starbucks that God put me in has a purpose for me, although I still struggle with fulfilling that purpose on many occasions. 

And lastly, I’m finally back in school pursuing the degree that’s been in the back of my mind since I left Asbury 6 years ago, counseling. I’m utterly amazed at how God orchestrates our lives when we choose to trust Him. I read this quote today in Brennan Mannings, “Ruthless Trust.”

Our story is perhaps a paradigm for every trusting disciple. The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise.

I’ve declared 2013 as a year of risk, which looking back on 2012, moving to Columbia was quite a risk for me. But there’s still so much more that God is calling me to. In the meantime, I have to trust Him that when things don’t seem to go the way I planned or hoped, it doesn’t change His love, His promises, or His purpose for me.

Happy 2013, everyone!

Oh, and not to disappoint my adoring readers, I need to give a shout out to my new friend, Gord Downie! I’m sure you’ll end up in a blog post soon;-)

....Going thru the grief process after I got here. Yesterday was an emotional day for me, filled with excitement of starting something new, yet missing things and people back home. Luke and Lauren threw me a surprise "Welcome to Columbia" party last night. Thankfully they gave me an hour heads-up, which I was very grateful for. I'm an introvert, as most of you who know me well, know about me. Plus I wasn't feeling the greatest physically yesterday, so I think, Lauren, especially, was worried about me, but it was great meeting people from their church and wondering a year from now if I'll be connected to any of them beyond acquaintance level.

Lately I’ve been thinking about belonging. Personally, it’s been more of a struggle as I’ve wrestled with my own sense of where I belong. As a 33 single girl, my time fluctuates mostly between my married friends and my gay boyfriends. Although I love both groups dearly I often find myself feeling like I don’t fit. Sadly it’s even magnified in the church. As I recently had a conversation with 2 girls, younger than I, but who also fit into my so-called category, the church just doesn’t know what to do with us. Their first instinct is to start up another singles ministry. Typically what you find in these groups are older single/divorced/widowed people. I’m not really sure we fit there either. Truth be told this is a new place for me. In high-school, everyone’s on the same level. You hang out with the people in your class who are working for the same goal: to graduate and move on! College is a little different but you’re still working towards a similar goal. When I was in college I belonged to the Wesley Foundation. For the most part, everyone was single (aka not married) and we were always hanging out and learning what it meant to rely on one another as a community. In seminary, although more people were married, I was able to develop a group of friends that were a mix of married and single whom I adored. We were all working towards the goal of learning what it meant to be in ministry. I met my best guy friend there. He taught me a lot about trust and when I pulled away, he pushed. He was there when I was at my lowest and challenged me to keep walking even when it was painful. He didn’t expect me to be anyone but myself. For that I will always be eternally grateful but it took us a long time to get to that place. When we graduated, we both moved back to our hometowns. He got married and now has a beautiful baby girl. Although we are miles apart and only talk every few months, that bond is still strong. I knew when I moved back to Ruston, finding my place would be a struggle. It’s a college town filled with families. I am neither. I am thankful my family is here. I am thankful I can see my 3 beautiful God-children whenever I want, but at the end of the day I often wonder what my purpose is. I don’t say these things in an attempt to get sympathy. I know my life has purpose. I’m just being honest. And I know I’m not the only one who shares my frustration. Some days are easier than others. Yesterday was not one of those days. As I was sitting with one of my good friends and another guy I had just met, the new guy made a comment about “fag hags.” If you’re unfamiliar with this ridiculous term, it’s basically girls who spend the majority of their time with gay boys. As much as I don’t want to, I sort of fit into this category. Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade those guys for anything. They’re good friends but if you look more closely you’ll see my intent is not so healthy. It goes much deeper to my trust or “lack of” trust in men. This isn’t new, but I’ve come to realize how much I use those gay male friendships as a safety net. I get some of the same perks of engaging in a male/female relationship without having to deal with the unspoken attraction aspect that can often mess up a good friendship. We’re always on the same playing field, right? That’s yet to be determined, I suppose. I’m realizing some of my same issues still apply regardless of their sexuality, my need for affirmation being a primary one. These are all things I’ll be discussing with my therapist on Tuesday. What I’m learning is that we are always going to be struggling with something. How we handle those struggles is what counts. For me, I have to be really intentional to think through things rationally. I’m hoping returning to counseling will help with this. And I know a strong community is important. We can’t walk through life alone…it’s just not healthy. I am blessed to have some amazing friends, especially girls, both married and single, all over the US, that I can be completely honest. They are the ones that remind me that I do belong, I belong first to Him, my Heavenly Father and I belong to ALL those that are willing to journey with me regardless of what life stage we’re at. As the Wesley Foundation saying goes, “Your crap is our crap; your joy is our joy.”

As we’ve been collecting devotionals for the upcoming ineed2change.org series, I’ve been amazed at the different stories we’ve read. Stories of healing, hope, reconciliation, redemption. The truth is we all want to be known, however, the risk that goes along with that is often a little scary so we look for less intimidating outlets to share our stories, whether it be social networking such as Facebook and Twitter or our personal blogs. For me personally, I’ve always found writing to be the best outlet for processing my thoughts. I’ve written many a letter to friends pouring out my heart. Marcie Wright probably has a collection from my post-college days. With the rise of text messaging and social networking, the question that continues to be asked is whether or not we’re creating community or inhibiting it? As a 30-something I feel as though I straddle the line a bit. I grew up in a time when cell phones and internet were non-existent. I spent many an hour talking on the telephone that was connected to my bedroom wall and writing notes to friends in class. The only time I ever typed anything was in typing class. Now, I too, am on the social networking bandwagon. I send and receive up to 100 texts a day, check my Facebook religiously, and occasionally share thoughts on my blog as I’m currently doing right now. But the truth is, if given the option I would much rather have a face-to-face conversation with the significant people in my life. In fact, if you’ve known me for any length of time, one of my pet peeves is when people are constantly on their phones when they’re with me. This isn’t the case all the time and I’ve certainly been guilty of it myself, but I tend to think when you’re in someone else’s company you should be fully engaged with that person. But I digress. Regardless of how we communicate, the objective is always the same, to be known by someone, to be assured that we’re not alone in whatever state we may currently be in whether it be sadness, loneliness, fear, or anxiety, to know that we matter to someone else. This is what makes life worthwhile and those hard times in life a little more bearable.

One of my biggest struggles since I've been back in Ruston is finding a place where I belong...a group of friends that I can totally be myself and hold me accountable to my sinful self. This week I ran into an old friend, Brandi, in Starbucks. I was delighted to see her since I knew she had recently moved back to Ruston as well. As we shared our similar struggles to find community within a group of women that are at a similar place in life, she began to list the names of other women that she knew directly or indirectly that might be interested in starting a small group of some sort. I was thrilled. The next day Brandi e-mailed us all and on Wednesday night 4 out of 6 of us will meet for the first time at Starbucks. It was a much needed reminder that God has not forgotten me here, even on those days when I feel like I'm alone. I know that I'm not alone. I have great friends from my past and from Starbucks. There's just something about meeting with other women that are around my age who understand what it's like to be single yet still hoping that someday the Lord will fulfill that desire of my heart. And the other cool thing is that most of us are in full-time ministry so that's just another thing we have in common. I'm excited about the prospect of having these women journey with me.