grace eventually.

enchanted + february 23rd + avocado green + method + justin bieber + coffee addict + christmas + moving + eyes that light up + stalker skills + grace + leather pants + food snob + 500 days of summer + moving + target + calista flockhart + twitter + cake pops + aluminum + pure awesome + moving + mustard + killian + kind bars + boston + steak + pink ruffly shirt + depth + brothers & sisters + moving + downtown walks at night + bacon + earth fare + good will hunting + laughter + red hair + moving + glee + sweet smile + storyteller + sprinklers + the lazy song + coconut + jewish butcher + peanut butter + starbucks + moving + "listen..." + 744 miles by car, 757 miles by foot + great hugs + anytime fitness + midtown + community + talking washer & dryer + moving + sarcasm + park + rufkin + state capitol + fall + jesus + 3 months later...still enchanted.

Earlier this week, one of my Starbucks regulars (who coincidentally is also a psychology prof at Tech) asked me why I wanted to pursue my Masters in Counseling. I think I just stared at him. It’s not that I haven’t thought about this question, but I wasn’t prepared to give a well-developed answer at that moment. I think I ended up saying something like, “Why, not?” and we moved on. I had conversation with another friend who’s in grad school a few days later. We started talking about what we would major in if we could start all over. I often wonder if I would’ve been better off if I had pursued my Counseling degree at Asbury instead of my MDiv. I mean, I’m not using my MDiv, and you don’t need a fancy degree to do ministry, at least not the kind of ministry I’m called to. But, the truth of the matter is, there’s no going back. Although I feel overwhelmed sometimes at the amount of money it cost for me to get that fancy MDiv, I know God used that time for a purpose and he will continue to use it as he weaves my life into a tapestry of new experiences. I just have to trust that. I’m one that’s always looking for the purpose behind things, why certain people are brought into our lives, why specific things turn out the way they do, etc. Those questions are usually never answered right away, and unfortunately sometimes they’re never answered at all.

So…getting back to my “Why counseling?” question. I’ve found that most of the time when people are seeking counseling, they are not looking for someone to solve all their problems. They’re looking for someone who will listen and help them process whatever it is they’re going thru. And, they want to know that they’re not alone. Let’s face it, when we face a challenge in our lives, we immediately think that no one could ever understand what we’re dealing with or they may not accept us. What we hopefully find out when we allow ourselves to share our true thoughts and feelings (which sometimes seem crazy to us), is that the person we finally open to has gone thru something similar and wants to journey with as we seek Christ together. These are my favorite moments of ministry. It’s the pulse of what Christ was trying to do when he was here on Earth.

“God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again.” (John 3:17, The Message)

This is my heart. I want people, specifically women, to know that they are not alone in whatever they are struggling with and with the help of some further education, to offer some additional tools and resources to move forward on their journey to wholeness.

I did it. I applied for grad school (again). I signed up to take the GRE (tomorrow). I filled out the FAFSA (gulp). I'm no longer dragging my feet. I'm moving forward (finally). I met with my friend, Tracy a couple of weeks ago. We graduated from Tech together and she's been in the program for 2 years. As we were discussing everything, she looked at me and said, "You earned an MDiv from Asbury, why in the world are you so nervous about starting grad school at Tech?" It's a valid question. I guess it's due, in large part, to the fact that I haven't been in school since 2006. My 5 year hiatus has made me question whether I can hack being a student again. She assures me I can. So, if all goes as planned I'll be enrolled in the Masters of Counseling program at LA Tech by the Fall. Stay tuned.

Most of you know that I've been a GLEE fan since it's conception. Between the performances and the offhand one-liners from Sue Sylvester, I'm always entertained. Last night's episode blew me out of the water. Now initially I wasn't overly excited about it. From the previews and the episode's title, "Born This Way," I was under the impression that it was going to be Gaga-centered. I found myself rolling my eyes. A) I'm not a huge Gaga fan, and B) They've already done Gaga. Can we please move on to someone else? However, from the beginning of the episode I found myself falling in love. Each week Mr. Schuester gives the Glee club a musical assignment based on a theme. This week's assignment was to name what they considered their biggest flaw and put it into song. As the episode unfolds, we watch as they begin to wrestle with these so-called flaws and embrace them. They learn the valuable lesson that we all need to learn: those "flaws" in ourselves that we hate are the very things that make us unique in who we are created to be. The episode wraps up with the Glee club performing Gaga's "Born This Way" dressed in white t-shirts with a word or phrase depicting what they were once ashamed of at the beginning of the episode. Pure genius.

Sadly, it's getting a lot of criticism because the issue of gay bullying comes up again as Kurt decides to return to McKinley High. Some are saying this episode, along with others, is promoting Ryan Murphy's "gay agenda" as it seeks to bring about gay tolerance. I completely disagree. Although this episode did deal with homosexuality, it also dealt with Emma's OCD disorder, Rachel's desire to change her nose, Lauren's campaign to be Prom Queen despite her atypical appearance, and a host of other things. We can't downplay what's happening around us. Gay bullying has been a huge issue as of late. If anything, I think Ryan Murphy is trying to get us to take a new approach of not just tolerance, but acceptance of real people who struggle with real issues. Is that not who we are called to be as the Body of Christ? The truth is we were all born with the need to be loved and accepted for who we are, even those parts of ourselves that we find ugly. The transformation that occurs when we begin to accept ourselves is just plain beautiful.

I'll go it alone, that's how it must be
I can't be right for somebody else
If I'm not right for me
I gotta be free, I just gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I gotta be me
~Sammy Davis Jr.

Yeah, I choked up this morning as I walked out my door.
It’s been the same routine for years now and It’s time I let it go.
It’s sad enough to leave a place I’ve grown to love.
But, I can’t take the same old scene. I need some fresh air to my soul.

And I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.
I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.

I take it like a grain of salt I’m shaking...to the other side I’ll roll.
I’m letting go of all my worries but not of my control.
And it’s hard enough to leave, but it’s better now I’m gone.
Cause Everyone needs someone sometimes…but sometimes we’ve got to be alone.

And I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.
I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.

Now, nothing lasts forever baby. So take it like a precious dream.
Cause when dreams fade to nothing, you’ve got to let yourself go and be free.

You've got to let yourself go and be free.

My dear friend Kari gave birth to her 3rd beautiful child a couple of weeks ago. I can't tell you how much this blog post made me weep for joy after walking with her thru her last two somewhat scary deliveries. Meet Ingrid. And if you like what you read here, check out the rest of her blog. Kari's a superwoman. She walked with me thru the hardest heartbreak of my life 12 years ago and although we've lived miles apart for most of our friendship, she's been a huge encourager, cheerleader, prayer warrior, and pen-pal.

I've had so many conversations lately about being an adult and the responsibility that comes with it. When I was a teenager and even in college, I rarely thought about money, other than when it came time to pay bills, Mom and Dad got a phone call:) I'm an only child and I'll admit, I was pretty spoiled. I have incredibly generous parents. My mom loved to buy me things, especially clothes. My grandmother was the same way. I've inherited their love of gift-giving. If you've known me for very long, you've probably experienced my gift-giving at some point. I seriously love giving gifts (and cards), but not just any gift. It's always something thought out and pertinent to that person. Despite that, my parents and grandmother did instill in me that life is not all about money and possessions. I used to go with my grandmother to visit people who were homebound (& bring them gifts). At a young age I learned that I wanted to serve and help other people. This is what led me to Chicago right after college, where I was immersed in serving the poor and building relationships with homeless people. I loved it. Unfortunately it didn't provide enough for me financially to pay back my student loans every month, but it did confirm what I had already figured out in college....God was calling me into ministry. So the next logical step was seminary, where I gained so much more insight into who I am and built life-long friendships with amazing people, in addition to getting a top-notch education. And I accrued more student loans. Now, 3 months after getting laid off from a salaried position at a church, a little burned-out, and still in debt, I wrestle with going back to school. I feel like I'm dragging my feet. I guess, in a way, I am. I jumped in with both feet when God called me to seminary. I also signed that Promissory Note for my student loans without any hesitation, thinking that my commitment to pay them back was way way in the future and I would have a stable job that would provide for me to pay them back. I want to finish my Masters in Counseling, I do, but at what cost? Will I be able to pay for it? Right now I know I can't. Do I really want to take out more student loans in hopes that once I finish I'll get a job that will allow me to pay those back plus what I already have?

This weekend I was supposed to go to Houston to see The Avett Brothers in concert with April and a couple of our other friends. We bought the tickets when I was there for New Years, pre-layoff. We found out today that the concert has been rescheduled for next month due to one of the band member's wife having a baby. Last month, Sarah and I were supposed to see The Civil Wars in New Orleans and the week of we found out they had to reschedule due to laryngitis. That's 2 for 2 concert fails. I went to New Orleans anyway. I wasn't sure when Sarah and I would see each other again with our crazy schedules and it was much needed for both of us. I decided today that I would be responsible and NOT go to Houston this weekend and save that money. It was not a decision made without much agonizing and justification that since I had the days off from work, I should go anyway.

But, this is what being an adult means.... Can I go back to Kindergarten now?