grace eventually.

Lately I’ve been thinking about belonging. Personally, it’s been more of a struggle as I’ve wrestled with my own sense of where I belong. As a 33 single girl, my time fluctuates mostly between my married friends and my gay boyfriends. Although I love both groups dearly I often find myself feeling like I don’t fit. Sadly it’s even magnified in the church. As I recently had a conversation with 2 girls, younger than I, but who also fit into my so-called category, the church just doesn’t know what to do with us. Their first instinct is to start up another singles ministry. Typically what you find in these groups are older single/divorced/widowed people. I’m not really sure we fit there either. Truth be told this is a new place for me. In high-school, everyone’s on the same level. You hang out with the people in your class who are working for the same goal: to graduate and move on! College is a little different but you’re still working towards a similar goal. When I was in college I belonged to the Wesley Foundation. For the most part, everyone was single (aka not married) and we were always hanging out and learning what it meant to rely on one another as a community. In seminary, although more people were married, I was able to develop a group of friends that were a mix of married and single whom I adored. We were all working towards the goal of learning what it meant to be in ministry. I met my best guy friend there. He taught me a lot about trust and when I pulled away, he pushed. He was there when I was at my lowest and challenged me to keep walking even when it was painful. He didn’t expect me to be anyone but myself. For that I will always be eternally grateful but it took us a long time to get to that place. When we graduated, we both moved back to our hometowns. He got married and now has a beautiful baby girl. Although we are miles apart and only talk every few months, that bond is still strong. I knew when I moved back to Ruston, finding my place would be a struggle. It’s a college town filled with families. I am neither. I am thankful my family is here. I am thankful I can see my 3 beautiful God-children whenever I want, but at the end of the day I often wonder what my purpose is. I don’t say these things in an attempt to get sympathy. I know my life has purpose. I’m just being honest. And I know I’m not the only one who shares my frustration. Some days are easier than others. Yesterday was not one of those days. As I was sitting with one of my good friends and another guy I had just met, the new guy made a comment about “fag hags.” If you’re unfamiliar with this ridiculous term, it’s basically girls who spend the majority of their time with gay boys. As much as I don’t want to, I sort of fit into this category. Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade those guys for anything. They’re good friends but if you look more closely you’ll see my intent is not so healthy. It goes much deeper to my trust or “lack of” trust in men. This isn’t new, but I’ve come to realize how much I use those gay male friendships as a safety net. I get some of the same perks of engaging in a male/female relationship without having to deal with the unspoken attraction aspect that can often mess up a good friendship. We’re always on the same playing field, right? That’s yet to be determined, I suppose. I’m realizing some of my same issues still apply regardless of their sexuality, my need for affirmation being a primary one. These are all things I’ll be discussing with my therapist on Tuesday. What I’m learning is that we are always going to be struggling with something. How we handle those struggles is what counts. For me, I have to be really intentional to think through things rationally. I’m hoping returning to counseling will help with this. And I know a strong community is important. We can’t walk through life alone…it’s just not healthy. I am blessed to have some amazing friends, especially girls, both married and single, all over the US, that I can be completely honest. They are the ones that remind me that I do belong, I belong first to Him, my Heavenly Father and I belong to ALL those that are willing to journey with me regardless of what life stage we’re at. As the Wesley Foundation saying goes, “Your crap is our crap; your joy is our joy.”

I'm currently sitting at my desk in tears. To hear more about Merlot and the big shoes I must fill as her new owner, read here. But be warned, grab a kleenex...or 20. Love you Ross!

For those of you who may not have heard, I am now a dog owner. I inherited a beautiful 2-year-old girl from my friend Ross who will be moving to Belgium on the 29^th. Her name is Merlot! Although I was a little concerned about the transition, all in all it’s going well. She’s finally growing accustomed to her new home and new unfenced yard. Although she likes to explore, she always comes back when I call her. I love to watch her run and leap. I know that may sound strange but she looks like a gazelle! Recently I decided it was time for her to meet the rest of the family. Now the thing about Merlot is that she’s not real excited to meet new people. In fact, she’s a little skittish, but once you’ve won her over, she’s your friend for life. I like to think we're kindred spirits in that regard. She’s slowly warming up to my dad. Mom hasn’t spent enough time with her yet. As for these 2, I think they’re just tolerating her:)

Today I decided Merlot needed to go for a walk. Okay, okay, I needed to go for a walk. I decided that this week we would just start with a brisk 10-minute walk, next week we’ll bump it up to 15, etc. My bf, Don (yes in my world, he’s my bf), tells a story about when he was training for his big bike tour a few years ago. He met with a personal trainer and they started out slow, getting his heart rate up for 20 minutes, then building up momentum as the weeks went on. In fact, his trainer says that as long as you get in 20 good minutes of cardio, anything else is just bonus so it takes the pressure off of trying to have these long, intense workouts. I suppose that’s what I’m trying to do. The truth is I’ve been lethargic lately. Partly due to life and the impending goodbyes that will start this week and partly due to just feeling tired. It’s funny that everyone always says that in order to not feel so tired all the time, you should exercise. It’s a vicious cycle. I feel tired, therefore I just want to lie on my couch and not do that so-called exercise that will give me energy. I’m taking it day by day and today we were successful. Tomorrow’s a new day. Oh, and sorry to my neighbor whose yard Merlot pooped in.

This is from my friend, Chris' blog. As most of you know, I too, have been deeply impacted by the LA Tech Wesley Foundation. I would ask that you prayerfully consider giving. Thanks!

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As many of you know I have been an intern at the Wesley Foundation at LA Tech for the past year. I couldn't ask for a more amazing job and am blessed every day by the things I witness God doing. I love watching God move in the lives of college students. I have witnessed amazing and life transforming things though this ministry in my own life as well as the lives of students I meet.

One of those transforming ways is summer mission trips. The purpose of these trips is to expand the life perspective of college students so they can see outside of themselves and serve the needs of people in other places. We are called to love our neighbors and for us, that is anyone! This year we took on a lot and felt God was calling us to a large vision of the world by opening the doors for three international mission trips: Cambodia, Haiti, and China. Our teams leave in two weeks and we still have over $24,000 left to raise. I am asking you to consider donating $10-$20 towards these trips. I am also asking if you could email 10 of your friends, who may or may not know anything about the Wesley Foundation and asking them to consider partnering with us by donating $10-$20 as well. Thank you to those of you who have already contributed to my portion of the trip, if you would like to give more, GREAT! If not, please pass this on to friends.

Each one of our staff and team members are asking the same things of their friends and families. Each dollar is a dollar closer to 28 team members lives being transformed by serving, as well as the potential of the lives that we will come in contact with in China, Cambodia, and Haiti!

If you would like to give, please send a check to:

The Wesley Foundation
P.O. Box 3005
Ruston, LA 71272

or you can donate by using the PAYPAL option on our Facebook page. If you've got any questions, please, please, please call me anytime.

Much Love.

My friend, Kari, is a gifted writer. I love reading her adventures with her kiddos. I especially enjoyed this one!

A couple of weeks ago Andy asked the staff if we were at a place in our lives where we felt like we were ready to battle or if we needed to stay back and rest. After thinking about this for a few minutes, I concluded that I was coming out of a season of rest and God was preparing me to get into battle. Since then, I've felt like every time I get up to battle, I get smacked down. The last few weeks, maybe even months I've made some bad choices. I've made some good ones too, but the truth is that I feel like I've been losing myself. I've come face-to-face with this in the past few days, even more so when one of my best friends and I got into a heated argument where he told me I seemed different. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

Change is all around me. The next month will probably be one of the hardest in terms of who I'm going to have to say goodbye to and attempt to let go. My nature is and has always been to push away. That's a huge part of what our argument was about. When everything around me seems to be shifting, I have this tendency to isolote myself, throwing myself into full-force coping ON MY OWN mode. I know this isn't healthy for me or my relationships, but for whatever reason it feels safe to me. Lady Antebellum has a line in their recent hit "Need You Now" that says, "I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all." A friend and I had a conversation about this one night. I actually feel the exact opposite. I would prefer to feel nothing. Maybe because when I hurt, everything becomes real and I feel completely out of control.

Thank you to Beth Moore for these words...
"Although we may have something unhealthy deep inside of us, those in whom Christ dwells also have something deeper. Something whole. Something so infinitely healthy that if it would but invade the rest of us, we would be healed."

We're having a Beth Moore simulcast here at Trinity based on her newest book, So Long, Insecurity. The books came in this week and I decided to read as much as I could before the 24th. Of course, after reading the Table of Contents, my attention was drawn to Chapter 12: Through the Eyes of the Guys. She surveys 150 men on their insecurities, as well as how they view insecurity in women. The same day I picked this book up, I see Don Miller has written a blog entitled "What Women Really Need From Men" followed by "What Men Really Need From Women." Interesting. Based off these two outlooks, I've decided to do a little comparative analysis. Take it for what it's worth:)

According to Beth, men and women aren't all that different in our insecurities. We all worry about being desirable to the opposite sex and we all want to be loved, however the #1 insecurity for men is fear of failure. Both Beth & Don talk about how fathers make a significant impact on this. If they don't have a strong male role-model (preferably their dad) encouraging them, they spend the majority of their life trying to get it elsewhere. Typically when men feel insecure, they withdraw. Women, on the other hand, cling. Men prefer not to admit they're feeling insecure, while we women pester men to death to help us feel less insecure, yes? For women it's no surprise that men notice our #1 insecurity to be our appearance. We buy into this idea that we need to look a certain way when in reality, guys aren't necessarily looking for that type of beauty. Other insecurities men see in women include irrational jealousies, full-blown emotional episodes, an obsession with what people think, and an insatiable need for affirmation. Sigh... I wish I could say they were wrong but alas, I struggle with all of these, sometimes all at the same time! Men prefer their women confident, not for their sakes but for ours because let's face it, when we're struggling with insecurity, we feel miserable.

According to Don, what women are looking for in men is confidence, strenghth, and mystery. He suggests that guys should first work on themselves, find their passions, and invite us into their adventure. Basically, have a life outside of us. Ironically, his blog on what men are looking for is longer (go figure). What a guy needs is a strong, confident woman. Hmmm...sounds very similar to what we're looking for, yes? Beauty is an important factor but not in terms of what's deemed as beautiful by society. Beauty comes in the form of taking care of yourself but not to the point that you come across as desperate. The truth is, ladies, we're all beautiful in our own unique way. I say this to myself as much as I'm saying it to you. Beth mentions in her book that one thing men have noticed is how we as women tend to compare ourselves to one another. I say this all the time. When I get dressed to go somewhere, I'm dressing for either a) my gay boyfriends or b) my girlfriends. They're the ones that are truly going to notice. Now I'm sure guys aren't completely oblivious, but in truth, we as women do typically compare ourselves to other women. Don also says that men want women who respect them, who have a vision for life, and who are choosy. I really appreciate the last one because as a woman in my early 30's it's hard when people question why I'm not married. The truth is I never want to settle. I think being choosy can come across as being snotty. That's certainly not the case. As myself and most of my single girlfriends agree, I would rather be single than than in an unhappy marriage. I'm sure I could've been married right out of college like many of my friends (most of which are still happily married, by the way), but in order for that to have happened, I would've married someone for all the wrong reasons. I'm speaking for myself here, but I think if we surveyed women, they too would want a man who's respectful, has a vision for life, especially that involves both of us, and is choosy.

Today I watched an interview with Don where he talked a lot about relationships and his singleness. He's reached a point at 38 where he's content with his life, not that he doesn't desire to be married and have a family. He's focusing on his own story and becoming content with who he is before inviting someone else to join in on his adventure. He mentioned in the interview that he's come to a place where he feels like he can sacrificially love others in his life without expecting anything in return.

What I've gleaned from both authors is that despite our insecurities and what we may be looking for from each other, we can't be the "be-all and end-all" for the opposite sex. We can't seek all our fulfillment from one another. Sure we can partially, but only God can love us perfectly and completely because we are imperfect and have a hard enough time loving ourselves completely, much less one another. The best we can do is strive for Don's mindset of loving the best we can without expecting anything in return.