grace eventually.

My friend, Hannah got married this weekend. It was beautiful. She's only 20 which seems so young to me but then again, I know I wasn't ready to get married that young. After the wedding I went back to the hotel where some friends were staying. Now many of my friends these days are younger than me...Starbucks tends to hire college students. I don't mind this. I've met some great people but it's always funny to me when I meet new people and my age comes up. It's usually the same conversation...one of my friends will say, "Guess how old Cynthia is." Then we wait for their response. I usually get 24 which is fine by me...I mean, who can complain when they're told they look younger than they really are. On Saturday, however, I was really surprised when I was told I look 22! I only wish I felt 22! This past weekend has kicked my butt more than normal. My body just doesn't feel up to par. I can't really explain it; I just know that I may look 24 but my body is definitely 31. Today I was supposed to head to Annual Conference but instead I chose to spend the day in my bed in hopes that I can shake whatever this is. I've been watching movies and trying not to feel guilty thinking about all the things I need to be doing. What's weird is that usually when I spend a day watching movies I choose things like Pride and Prejudice, Hitch, 27 Dresses...you know, those girly movies. Today I've been watching Batman Begins and Swat. Maybe I'm getting in touch with my masculine side.

I think I'm finally finished with all my home improvements. Of course, the painting wasn't planned until after I got the light fixtures up so there's no telling what I may do next! 

I stole this from Camille

i am: a white mocha chip frappuccino.
i think: too much.
i know: that my computer is going to die soon.
i want: to go to the beach.
i have: clean hair.
i wish: all of my friends lived in the same place.
i hate: that gas is so high!
i miss: my friends from seminary.
i fear: that I may never get married.
i feel: tired after a long week.
i hear: a banjo.
i smell: coffee.
i crave: peach cobbler.
i search: for ways to save money and get out of debt quicker.
i wonder: what the future holds.
i regret: using credit cards so much in college and seminary.
i love: my friends...and blue bell icecream.
i ache: for poverty.
i care: about making a difference in the world.
i always: get excited when it's time to climb into my bed.
i am not: always confident.
i believe: that God made everything beautiful.
i dance: when no one is watching.
i sing: when no one is listening.
i don’t always: love like I should.
i fight: with myself more than others.
i write: a lot less than I used to.
i win: um, i don't play games all that often.
i lose: when I'm not honest.
i never: leave home without my cellphone. 
i confuse: others when I don't make sense.
i listen: as much as possible.
i can usually be found: at Starbucks.
i am scared: of snakes (stolen from Camille) and thriller movies!
i need: Jesus.
i am happy about: watching Grey's Anatomy and LOST tonight!

Lately I've been thinking a lot about space, creating space for worship, for play, for stillness. I love that whole concept of creating space. I think if I could do things differently I may have majored in something that allowed me to explore that more in-depth. Last weekend I pulled out my camera and just went around town and took pictures. I'm realizing that I need to create space for those things I really enjoy doing that allow me to exercise my creative tendencies. I also got to go to Portico in West Monroe last weekend. Portico is a worship service that stems from First West. They meet in an old bank building every Sunday night. It mainly attracts college students, but there were also a few people my age there too. When we got back to Ruston, I told Brandi that I'm learning more and more how much I have to create my own space to worship. That may sound strange since I work at a church, but Sundays are so busy for me and unfortunately feel like work. When I do get the opportunity to go to one of our worship services, I still find myself thinking about what's happening in the nursery or the Refinery. I'm grateful that the Lord is providing those spaces for me...I look forward to many more Sunday nights at Portico.

Last night I babysat 2 precious little girls that I've known since they were born in KY when we all still lived there. They are your typical little girls, into pink, pretending they're princesses (which they are), and fairy tales. As we snuggled up on the couch to watch Cinderella, I couldn't help but roll my eyes and wonder if watching these types of movies isn't toxic. I know that sounds a little harsh and I may be a little cynical, but nonetheless, it got me thinking. Why are all Disney movies about happily ever afters? Even grown-up romance flicks generally have that same message. Don't get me wrong...I love them and tend to watch them multiple times if I find one that I really like. At the same time, as much as they're meant to be "feel good" movies, I often leave the theater feeling...empty and alone and wondering when I'll find my "happily ever after." I'll usually recluse myself into my own little world and ponder my past relationships. To top the evening off, the girls kept asking me why I'm not married. That's never an easy question to answer, but especially to 2 little girls who didn't seem to accept any of my answers. My friend, April, suggested that I tell them that smart women don't get married because it's too much work:) The truth is most relationships are not like the fairy tales depicted by Disney or other movies. But as I was praying about it, something occurred to me. We are a part of one fairy tale relationship; one that will give us that happily ever after we so long for. Sometimes I don't understand the way he works, but I know that Jesus is crazy about me and wants so much to rescue me like Prince Charming. Maybe this is what we can teach little girls when they get wrapped up into their own fairy tales and wonder if their Prince Charming will come for them one day.