grace eventually.

It’s that time of year when people are getting ready to move on to the next thing. Recently graduated high-school seniors are preparing to leave for college; recently graduated college seniors are looking for their first “real” job, parents are gearing up for another year of school as we endure yet one more day of record heat wave days. Sometimes in the midst of this we forget that God is not done with us where we are today. I’m definitely one to get caught up in the “What’s next?” Ask anyone who knows me. I’m always looking forward to something, usually a trip of some sort that reunites me with people I love. But, if we’re not careful, we will miss out on what’s right in front of us.

At the same time, I have felt for some time now that God is preparing me for some place else. This week I started reading “Here’s to Hindsight” by Tara Leigh Cobble. One thing I’ve learned about myself in the last couple of years is that I’m a spiritual memoir junkie, especially the comedic ones. I appreciate women who are not afraid to share their insights, hurts, struggles, and funny mishaps that have led them deeper to heart of Christ. I read this particular excerpt a couple of nights ago and I haven’t stopped thinking about it. At this point in the story she’s living in her hometown but feeling the pull towards Nashville.

“I started to notice that life was moving and I was standing still there. I was sinking, actually. I could feel God pulling me out, slowly at first—then, all of a sudden, I looked around and I was free. And I knew that I was supposed to use that freedom to move somewhere away from Greeneville.”

Over the last year, I often felt this very thing. Everyone around me is moving in a specific direction and I am just standing still. There isn’t anything holding me here anymore. Now don’t get me wrong, my family means the world to me. I feel like through this season of uncertainty, as I’ve had to lean on my parents (again) that our relationship has grown so much stronger. I’m so lucky to have two parents who support me and want me to be happy, whatever that looks like. My God-children are growing and changing everyday. Garrett’s a pre-teen, but he still thinks I’m cool and wants to hang out with me when I’m around. Grant loves to spend the night at my house and bake cookies and make art projects. Avery still wants me to hold her and sit in my lap while we watch TV. She loves for me to take her to Starbucks to get chocolate milk and go swing on the playground. What I will one day leave behind is huge, but not as huge as what God has in store for me next. This I am certain, but today I choose to worship with my church family, to take my God-children to the movies, to laugh with friends, and to be the best I can be at my job. I believe all these things are part of God preparing me to move on, but at the same time, to not take for granted what he has given me today.

Not long after I got laid off from Trinity, I was hanging out w/ my friend, Becky, sharing my concerns over how I was going to survive once my compensation ran out. Thankfully my Starbucks manager rehired me without a blink of an eye, but considering most of 2010 was working both there and at the church, I was taking a significant pay cut. Now I don't consider myself someone who needs a lot of money to live on, however, I made some poor choices in my younger days that I'm still paying for (literally) so that on top of the typical necessities (rent, utilities, food, phone, insurance, etc.) depletes my paycheck in a matter of seconds. Becky had been to a Thiry-One party a few months back and thought it would be something I would be good at. As I flipped through their catalog, I immediately thought of 10 people that would not only buy their stuff, but would happily throw a party for their friends to come and buy stuff too. It's a Christian-based company (Thirty-One is connected to the Proverbs 31 woman) that sells different types of bags in a variety of different patterns, along with cute stuff for kids...perfect for the Ruston scene. PLUS, I can sell it from anywhere if I do decide to move on at some point. This Thursday I'll be hosting an open house for my friends and family who have expressed interest in hosting a party for me. I'm really excited to see where this road leads. Stay tuned. Oh, and go check out my website!

God and I have been in a wrestling match for some time now. Ask my friends, they can tell you. I've prayed broad prayers, I've prayed specific prayers, I've prayed for His will to be done, I've even asked for my will to be done. I mean, c'mon, I have a front row seat in my own life. I think I have a pretty clear idea where my life should go. One of the many things I love about God is how when we pray for specific things, he often answers in ways we never could've imagined. I've laughed a lot this week at his sense of humor. Of course, I've also yelled and cried, but he continues to take it all in, like the good Father that He is. God has called me to be bold in my prayers. I've struggled with this in the past because I was afraid of being disappointed. Praying boldly doesn't mean He's going to give me exactly what I ask for. If that were the case I would be trapped in an unhealthy and unhappy marriage with someone I thought was my soul mate. God thankfully saved me from that many years ago and now, looking back I can see that although that was by far one of the most painful times of my life, it wasn't right. Why is it that we have this tendency to march forward with our plans without consulting Him first? Has He not proved faithful time and time again? Not to mention that when we do stray to follow our own path, He's right there when we realize how stupid we are and leads us back to where we need to be. Of course, it's through those detours that we learn and grow. So today, I continue to pray boldly and I'm trusting that the outcome will be beyond my imagination. Thanks to those of you who are continuing to pray boldly with me.

How often have we heard this quote, "Life is a journey, not a destination." Those of us that are believers in Christ are obviously looking toward our eternal destiny, but what about our time here on Earth? How do we manage the journey that lies before us? I've been thinking about this a lot lately (thanks in part to Brian's sermon on Sunday). Sometimes being part of the journey is exhilarating, fun, exciting. Other times, it's just down right hell, but all parts are significant in shaping us into who we were created to be. Those of you who've been reading my blog for awhile know that 2011 has been less than a stellar year. I've experienced job loss, relationship loss, financial struggles, depression, feelings of inadequacy and failure, etc. But, at the same time I've learned what it means to rely on God and to accept support from the people God's placed around me. It's a humbling thing. As one who finds satisfaction in mapping things out and making plans, I've had to learn to just be still, sometimes be spontaneous, and allow myself to just...fall. I'm learning that it's okay to fight for what I want, even if the end result is NOT getting what I want. I'm trusting that through those experiences God is still about the business of leading me to something different, something better. Many of you have been asking about my future, about school, about relocating. I still don't have a definitive answer. (I know what I want, but....) I'm still praying fervently for God's direction and discernment on this and I have a host of people standing in the gap for me, speaking truth when my heart gets the best of me. I'm in the process of creating a dream journal. I know that sounds a little cheesy, but as I've mentioned before, I've never been good at just allowing myself to dream. I'm a realist, sometimes to the point of being a pessimist. I've had my heart broken one too many times, I suppose and as much as I hate to admit it, it often dictates how I respond to things. I have a stop and go mentality at times. I'll be moving along and something triggers something in me that tells me to stop, to retreat when really I just need to push through. Of course, there are times when retreating is a good option. It's a balance I haven't quite mastered yet. Here's to the journey.

enchanted + february 23rd + avocado green + method + justin bieber + coffee addict + christmas + moving + eyes that light up + stalker skills + grace + leather pants + food snob + 500 days of summer + moving + target + calista flockhart + twitter + cake pops + aluminum + pure awesome + moving + mustard + killian + kind bars + boston + steak + pink ruffly shirt + depth + brothers & sisters + moving + downtown walks at night + bacon + earth fare + good will hunting + laughter + red hair + moving + glee + sweet smile + storyteller + sprinklers + the lazy song + coconut + jewish butcher + peanut butter + starbucks + moving + "listen..." + 744 miles by car, 757 miles by foot + great hugs + anytime fitness + midtown + community + talking washer & dryer + moving + sarcasm + park + rufkin + state capitol + fall + jesus + 3 months later...still enchanted.

Earlier this week, one of my Starbucks regulars (who coincidentally is also a psychology prof at Tech) asked me why I wanted to pursue my Masters in Counseling. I think I just stared at him. It’s not that I haven’t thought about this question, but I wasn’t prepared to give a well-developed answer at that moment. I think I ended up saying something like, “Why, not?” and we moved on. I had conversation with another friend who’s in grad school a few days later. We started talking about what we would major in if we could start all over. I often wonder if I would’ve been better off if I had pursued my Counseling degree at Asbury instead of my MDiv. I mean, I’m not using my MDiv, and you don’t need a fancy degree to do ministry, at least not the kind of ministry I’m called to. But, the truth of the matter is, there’s no going back. Although I feel overwhelmed sometimes at the amount of money it cost for me to get that fancy MDiv, I know God used that time for a purpose and he will continue to use it as he weaves my life into a tapestry of new experiences. I just have to trust that. I’m one that’s always looking for the purpose behind things, why certain people are brought into our lives, why specific things turn out the way they do, etc. Those questions are usually never answered right away, and unfortunately sometimes they’re never answered at all.

So…getting back to my “Why counseling?” question. I’ve found that most of the time when people are seeking counseling, they are not looking for someone to solve all their problems. They’re looking for someone who will listen and help them process whatever it is they’re going thru. And, they want to know that they’re not alone. Let’s face it, when we face a challenge in our lives, we immediately think that no one could ever understand what we’re dealing with or they may not accept us. What we hopefully find out when we allow ourselves to share our true thoughts and feelings (which sometimes seem crazy to us), is that the person we finally open to has gone thru something similar and wants to journey with as we seek Christ together. These are my favorite moments of ministry. It’s the pulse of what Christ was trying to do when he was here on Earth.

“God didn't go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again.” (John 3:17, The Message)

This is my heart. I want people, specifically women, to know that they are not alone in whatever they are struggling with and with the help of some further education, to offer some additional tools and resources to move forward on their journey to wholeness.

I did it. I applied for grad school (again). I signed up to take the GRE (tomorrow). I filled out the FAFSA (gulp). I'm no longer dragging my feet. I'm moving forward (finally). I met with my friend, Tracy a couple of weeks ago. We graduated from Tech together and she's been in the program for 2 years. As we were discussing everything, she looked at me and said, "You earned an MDiv from Asbury, why in the world are you so nervous about starting grad school at Tech?" It's a valid question. I guess it's due, in large part, to the fact that I haven't been in school since 2006. My 5 year hiatus has made me question whether I can hack being a student again. She assures me I can. So, if all goes as planned I'll be enrolled in the Masters of Counseling program at LA Tech by the Fall. Stay tuned.