grace eventually.

This has been my theme song for the last couple of weeks. One thing I learned at a young age, thankfully, is that regardless of how I may feel or what the circumstances are going on around me, God is for me. He will go before me. And He will never leave me.

This time every year for the past 3+ years, you would find me at the Gwinnett Center in Duluth GA for the annual Catalyst Leadership Conference. Incredible leaders of all types come and impart their wisdom upon pastors and church leaders from all over the US. Up and coming worship leaders take the stage and lead us into heartfelt times of communion with the Lord. There's nothing quite like worshiping with literally thousands of other believers in one place. There's also times of crazy skits and attempts to create our own Doritos commercial for the Super Bowl which sadly did not win last year. What stands out to me the most about this conference is not all the hoopla, but how God always shows up to speak directly to me. Without a doubt, each October I'm entering into some kind of hard season. Questioning my purpose, my role in ministry, my worth as his beloved child. Every year one or more speakers stands up and speaks directly to these doubts and brings me to a new place of assurance that I AM NOT ALONE. Ministry is by far one of the most challenging jobs one can do. It's easy for your own spiritual well-being to be put on the back-burner as you attempt to lead others to the foot of the Cross, proclaiming the very truth that you yourself have lost sight of.

Last year, I remember spending the day before the conference sick in my hotel room, looking up jobs in Nashville, schools that offered good counseling graduate programs, and praying with all my might that the Lord would reveal to me what His next steps for me might be. I was still at Trinity, but even then I could sense that my time would be coming to an end soon. I didn't share this with many people, just my close friends scattered across the globe who were fervently praying for me. This year I'm sitting at a local coffee shop, wishing so much I was at Catalyst, only this year I'm not questioning. Had the Lord revealed to me what He had in store for me this past year, I probably would have been in disbelief. He is faithful. He brings about change in ways we never thought we could handle. He introduces us to new people that step in and commit to walking the journey with us.

Last year, like all the years before, I left Catalyst feeling rejuvenated and certain that God had not abandoned me, but was continuing to mold me and to shape me into something that only he could create. I just have to trust him and be willing to jump into the unknown WITH HIM. Because when we finally let go, we find we have nothing to lose.

Today as we celebrate the life of a great leader and innovator, I leave you with this quote from Steve Jobs:

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything -- all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.... Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

Whether we’re 12 or 102, I think we all battle insecurities. As we get older, we hopefully understand a little better how to control them as well as how we allow (or not allow) them to define us or affect us in a negative way. I’ve been reading a new book: God Loves Ugly by Christa Black. She shares her own journey of insecurity and how it’s shaped her into who she is today. She has a passion for teaching women the importance of taking control of how we think because it not only affects how we feel, it affects how we respond to ourselves, to others, and to our circumstances.

When I was growing up, I perceived myself as the awkwardly quiet fat girl with frizzy hair and braces. Now granted, I’ve always dealt with weight issues most of my life, but in high school it became an obsession. I was a dancer, but I’ve never had the body type. As a size 10, I was the biggest girl in my class. So I did what I could to “get skinny”. I worked out incessantly and I ate next to nothing. Looking back on it now, I would say I struggled with anorexic tendencies. Now granted, I never got unhealthily skinny. I maintained a healthy weight that in my opinion (at the time) was overweight. I remember my Dad being confused one day when he asked me what size t-shirt I needed for an event. I immediately responded “extra-large”. He looked at me quizzically and asked if I was sure I wanted one that big. See, in my head I was an extra-large girl. I still have one of those t-shirts. In fact, it’s one of my favorites to sleep in, but even now, as a size 14, it’s still way too big for me.

I was also a shy kid. And unfortunately, shy is perceived as either snobby or boring. I like to believe that I was neither. I surrounded myself with very outgoing, very confident, (and very beautiful) girlfriends. When I was a freshman in high school, I remember going to the mall with my friend, Stacy. We ran into an acquaintance of ours who introduced us to a guy from another school down the road. I was immediately entranced in his gorgeous blue eyes. When I say it was love at first sight, it was love at first sight. Of course, Stacy carried on a conversation with him for a good 10 minutes while I stood there awkwardly, blushing uncontrollably, and trying not to stare at him and his incredible handsomeness. I think besides telling him my name, I never said another word. As we walked away, I told Stacy that I, of course, was in love with him. The good friend that she is made it her mission to get us together. We dated for about a month, but I remember him telling me that he thought I wasn’t interested because I barely spoke to him. I was comfortable taking a backseat to my friends, allowing them to shine. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t have anything to say. I am and continue to be an internal processor. Not to mention that boys scared the hell out of me. It wasn’t until college that I finally felt comfortable enough to engage in conversations with guys. What I then learned about myself is that the guys that I am drawn to are the ones that make the effort to really get to know me, help me feel comfortable in my own skin, and who aren’t intimidated by my “quietness”.

The other day I was discussing some of this with my friend, Jenn. She made the comment that I have a gift for connecting with people quickly and a passion to get to know them. I looked at her blankly. This is something I never really observed about myself. I still see myself as that awkward shy girl trying not to come across as snobby or boring. Sometimes we need friends in our lives to mirror back the TRUTH of who we are, not the flaws that we see.

Tonight I shared with our 7^th grade girls at church a little of what I’ve been learning from this book. Christa pointed out 4 specific things that’s true for all of us:

· We are all wonderfully unique.

· We are all talented in our own ways.

· We are all beautiful.

· We are all worthy of love.

Today I choose to embrace the truth.

I don't know how many of you are familiar with Pinterest, but it's the newest most addicting form of social media meets yummy recipes, DIY projects, design ideas, fashion, and more. I love it! What's so great about it is that once you find something you like, you pin it to one of your boards so you can come back to it at any time. Plus, when you pin something, you're also sharing it with your followers, so it's a virtual way of bouncing ideas off one another. Seriously, who comes up with this stuff?

A couple of days ago I came across the picture you see to your left. I fell in love with the idea. As I've shared here, I've never been a big dreamer. I'm not saying I don't have dreams, trust me, I do, but it's hard for me to articulate sometimes. Truth be told, I'm afraid once I verbalize my dreams, even if only to myself, that they may not come true, and I'll be disappointed. What I've been learning is that if I'm not willing to really figure out what my dreams are, I'll never be able to follow after them, or through attempting to follow one, stumble across another that I didn't even know I had. So, I've started my own dream jar. It only has 4 dreams in it so far, but I intend to add to it. This is a more simpler (& cuter) idea than my earlier plan to start a dream journal. It gives me the freedom to add to it and even take out as my dreams either change or actually come to be.

Now go check out Pinterest and see what dreams open up for you!

I have a very exciting announcement to make! I've been sitting on it awhile and just recently started sharing it with friends and family. In January 2012 I will be moving to Columbia, SC. I suppose it's something I've been contemplating for months now as you've probably noted from previous posts. As I was sharing with a good friend last night, I so often struggle with aligning what I want with God's will and automatically assuming that because it's something I want, then it must not be right. I realize this is a skewed view of who our God is. I suppose I attribute this to so many broken dreams I've had along the way, dreams that I now look at and know that it was indeed God's best for me not to have them. I can't necessarily say what my life in Columbia will look like. I'm going on faith, knowing that I have a few good friends there who are thrilled I've made the decision to do life with them. I'll be transferring with my beloved Starbucks. I'm so thankful I work for a company who not only offers excellent health insurance but also provides partners the opportunity to transfer to stores all over the world. Talk about job security! We're also praying that God would open up some ministry opportunities there. Luke Syfert, one of my very best friends in the whole world, is on staff at a church in Columbia and has asked if I would consider doing ministry with him. It was a resounding YES! I couldn't think of a better person to partner with in ministry. Not to mention that I will get to be around his awesome wife, Lauren, and their two beautiful girls, Chloe and Josalin. There's also one other person that I'm looking forward to seeing on a regular basis. To protect his privacy, he'll remain nameless:-) I haven't shut the door on going back to school. I'm still very interested in finishing my Masters in Counseling...it's just not the right time. I'm so grateful for these past 5 years back in Ruston, specifically the time spent with my parents and my God-children. But I'm so excited about my future and what God has in store for me. My desire is to be faithful to Him and I know that He will provide for me in return.

These last 8 months have been truly transformational. When I lost my job at Trinity, I was weary and burned out on life and ministry. A month later I said a final goodbye to a friendship that had also been extremely draining and unhealthy for me, leaving me even more broken and battered. God faithfully met me in those places. He brought people into my life to speak truth, to sit with me, and to remind me that first and foremost I am HIS. This is the greatest reminder any of us can hear really. When we stop and think about the truth that we are HIS child and we are loved completely and unconditionally for who we are, it puts things in a whole new perspective. I pray that each of you will be reminded that you are first and foremost HIS and he couldn't be more proud to be your Father. May you embrace this truth today.

'That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it and think how different its course would have been. Pause, you who read this, and think for a long moment of the long chain of iron or gold, or thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on that memorable day.'

Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

A request was made that I put up a photo tour of my apartment. I think it's because I gush that it's my favorite place in Ruston. I like to please my readers so here you go! Oh, and feel free to come see it in person any time (you know who you are). Enjoy!