grace eventually.

Why is trusting God with my heart so difficult? I’ve realized, yet again, that I continue to struggle with this. It shows up most in relation to my singleness. Not a month ago I was walking into my apartment and I realized that for the first time in a long time, I actually wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was content in my new city with new friends, getting settled and just living life. Then a boy entered the picture. Suddenly all these strange emotions started overwhelming me and my thoughts became consumed with this really cute, really funny, presumably single guy. Except, I really don’t know much about him and I’m not sure I ever will. Fast forward a couple of weeks and said guy is now moving on, not from me per se, but from our shared circumstances that continued to put us in the same room from time to time. Today as I was driving from one job to the next, I found myself yelling at God (again) that I was disappointed. I’m disappointed that this potential new “friendship” is ending before it’s even started, that for a split second I got my hopes us that maybe, just maybe, the odds were ever in my favor. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, I trust God with parts of my life, but when it comes to matters of the heart, not so much. Those relationships that don’t work out, it never occurs to me that maybe He’s protecting me from something. Just because it looks good on paper doesn’t mean that it’s what’s best for me. Nashville is my 7^th move and honestly, hopefully my last. I’ve been amazed at how God has provided for me since I made the decision to move here. Living in Nashville has been a dream of mine since visiting back in 2007 when my friend, Matt, still lived here. My first weekend here was also my church’s first weekend to meet full-time. Up to that point, they had only been meeting once a month at most. I have an incredible church family that gets me and that stands for exactly what I believe. You have no idea how refreshing that is, especially considering how hard my heart was that first week. My nights are filled with concerts and new restaurants with new friends. So why am I still holding on to this idea that my life is incomplete without a man by my side? I wish I wasn’t one of those girls. I think I believed it would get easier as I got older and it wasn’t so much about the peer pressure of having a boyfriend. But now, it’s legitimately about desiring a life partner. I’m grateful for my independence, but sometimes, I wish I didn’t have to be so independent. And for any young girls out there reading this, navigating crushes in your 30’s isn’t any easier.

A few months ago I felt like maybe it was time I gave up Facebook. I would find myself spending 30 minutes here, an hour there, another 15 later in the day, any time I had to wait (grocery store, traffic, doctor’s appointment), on social media. I bought into the idea that by checking Facebook so often throughout the day, I was connecting with people. Not surprisingly, by the end of the day, I was still feeling lonely. It finally hit me that this connection I thought I was making with my “friends” was really just me reading their status updates and looking at their pictures. It would feel like I was caught up on their life, but let’s face it, how often do we put the not so glamorous, real pieces of our lives on Facebook? Now granted, some of us do occasionally, but for the most part, we post pictures of our clean houses, our happy kids, and amazing trips that we’re on. If I documented my typical day, most of my posts would be about frustrations at work and pictures of my computer screen, or at the end of the day, me in my pjs on my couch watching Netflix. Who wants to follow that story?

Me and Heather on the assembly line.

One of the things I appreciate about working for AIMCO is that they truly believe in giving back to the community. So much so, that we can use what’s called AIMCO Care hours to volunteer, and they will pay us for that time. If that doesn’t motivate you to volunteer for a good cause, I don’t know what will. Those of you who know me are aware that I have always had a passion for the underprivileged and disenfranchised. Some of my best days were spent in Chicago and other urban areas serving at homeless shelters, soup kitchens, food banks, etc. When I saw a flyer posted about a Stop Hunger Now event, I knew I had to sign up! 

Stop Hunger Now is an international hunger relief non-profit organization that coordinates the packaging and distribution of food and other life-saving aid to people in developing nations. Founded in 1998, it has mobilized over 450,000 volunteers to send more than 150,000,000 meals to 65 countries. 

The weighing and sealing team.

On a cold and rainy Saturday, I arrived at Williamsburg Presbyterian Church not knowing what to expect. What I found was a line of people ready to volunteer. As they began their opening orientation, Jim, one of the event coordinators, mentioned that they were anticipating 100 volunteers for the first shift. There were 170 of us. Originally their plan was for each shift to package 10,000 meals, however, when the Stop Hunger Now team arrived, they brought enough food to package up to 30,000 meals. The challenge had been set! 

Stop Hunger Now meals are nutritiously sound. Every dehydrated rice/soy meal is fortified with 21 essential vitamins and nutrients. Research has shown that one in three people in developing countries are adversely affected by vitamin and mineral deficiencies. Addressing the problem of hunger is the single point where we can leverage relief for all humanitarian issues.

Our very helpful runners.

As we walked into the assembly room, I couldn’t get over how organized everything was. In the back you had your box packers who packed, then loaded the boxes onto the truck, followed by a long table of scales and fancy machines that sealed each bag in a matter of seconds. This station was perfect for those who couldn’t stand for long periods of time. In the front of the room were several assembly tables set up for six people. Each one of us put something in the bag, while two people held the bag under the funnel and then put it in a box to be picked up and carried over to the weight and seal table by our runners, aka: kids ranging from 5-16. In that first hour and a half, we managed to package 16,000 meals! By the end of the day, we used every resource that we had and packaged 32,128 meals, even though there were only 94 of us working the second shift. On top of packaging over 30,000 meals, over $9,000 was donated to Stop Hunger Now. It was truly extraordinary, not to mention fun, working with over 200 people all for the same cause. I look forward to this opportunity again next year!

Last time we were all together: July 2013.

Community Group outing to Vista Lights

One year ago I packed up what belongings I could cram into my Honda and started the journey to Columbia, SC. I would be lying if I said I had no expectations. I had some...that God quickly did not meet like I had hoped, but as I reflect on the past 365 days, the one thing I can say for certain is that God has been beside me every step of the way, even during those days of utter darkness when I questioned whether I made the right move, if my motives were pure, if He had a purpose for me here. I think the one thing that stands out about the past year is the community He has placed around me from day one. Those of you who’ve kept up with my blog may remember me talking about my first night in town when the Syferts through a “Welcome to Columbia” party for me. That night I was introduced to their Community Group. Today they are MY community group. Although some of them have moved away, the people that came to welcome me that night, along with others, have become my family. They were the ones who showed up on a Saturday morning in August and helped me and my Dad unload a U-Haul truck of everything I had left behind when I finally moved into my own place. Not too long ago, Luke and I were talking about the group. He made the comment, “You don’t just need them. They need you.” I am grateful for this need we have for one another.

Then there are my work girls, the ones who keep me going when customers are being trying, things are falling apart, and I’m exhausted beyond belief. They check in on me on my day off and are quick to call when I say I’m having a bad day. Even the Starbucks that God put me in has a purpose for me, although I still struggle with fulfilling that purpose on many occasions. 

And lastly, I’m finally back in school pursuing the degree that’s been in the back of my mind since I left Asbury 6 years ago, counseling. I’m utterly amazed at how God orchestrates our lives when we choose to trust Him. I read this quote today in Brennan Mannings, “Ruthless Trust.”

Our story is perhaps a paradigm for every trusting disciple. The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, into the undefined, into ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment. The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future. Why? Because God has signaled the movement and offered it his presence and his promise.

I’ve declared 2013 as a year of risk, which looking back on 2012, moving to Columbia was quite a risk for me. But there’s still so much more that God is calling me to. In the meantime, I have to trust Him that when things don’t seem to go the way I planned or hoped, it doesn’t change His love, His promises, or His purpose for me.

Happy 2013, everyone!

Oh, and not to disappoint my adoring readers, I need to give a shout out to my new friend, Gord Downie! I’m sure you’ll end up in a blog post soon;-)

Coping with depression is not easy. There are days when I choose to stay in bed and hide under the covers all day. It’s not necessarily productive, but sometimes it’s what I need. For those of you who struggle with depression, I’ve decided to share a few of my personal forms of therapy with you. Now in order for this therapy to be effective, it often times requires laying down your pride and asking for help. I struggle with this often, but the truth is, we can’t survive on our own. None of us can.

Family. When I moved to Columbia, the Syferts graciously let me live with them for six months. During that time I fell even more in love with their two girls. Since then I have asked them if I could use their home as a place of refuge when my depression is heightened. They welcome me any time, no questions asked, no invitation needed. I am so grateful for them and the way they love me.
Creating. I love projects. I think that’s why my home is always changing. I get restless and need to create something. Whether it’s painting a canvas, taking pictures, or making Christmas ornaments, this is a way for me to calm my soul. It doesn’t have to be something extravagant. It’s really just about finding a hobby, something you enjoy doing.
Community. One of the first things God blessed me with upon my arrival to Columbia was my Community Group. I sort of fell in to them since the Syferts were already a part, but it’s a perfect fit. One thing I especially appreciate about them is how they take care of me and want to be a part of my life: the good, the bad, and the ugly. We are a broken group who desires to love well and to show that love to the people we encounter on a daily basis.
Walking. Now this one is not always my first go to, but it’s one of those things that is good for me not just emotionally, but physically. There’s a park close to my house that I’ve found that’s perfect to disengage with the world for a while and reconnect with God through creation.
Killian. My dog, Merlot, lives with my parents. I’m not allowed to have a dog in my apartment, plus Merlot’s grandparents refuse to part with her, but in the meantime, I’ve met a wonderful, sweet, loving 60lb lab named Killian. She and I have weekly sleepovers and she provides me with a great deal of comfort when she’s around. I can talk to her about anything and I know my secrets are safe with her and it doesn’t change how she feels about me:-)
Gilmore Girls. This is a silly one, I know, but I love this show. It’s witty, clean, and full of eclectic people you grow to love. I own all seven seasons and I have it on rotation in my DVD player quite often. I enjoy disengaging at the end of the day by watching an episode or two. It just works for me.

The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. -Aristotle

Recently I was visiting a friend on my way back from Columbia after a few days at home. His brother and I somehow got into a conversation about depression. He was sharing about a girl he knew who had committed suicide. He talked about how she always came across as one of those people who typically seemed happy all the time. As the conversation continued, he mentioned that he didn’t understand how anyone could end their lives voluntarily. I sort of cringed. This is a common statement for people who have never dealt with depression. Now before anyone starts calling any emergency hotlines (MOM), let me set the record straight. I am not suicidal. However, I will admit I have been so far in the depths of depression that I have prayed to God to just take me. In moments like these, I know I’m not rational. The pain overtakes everything else and it’s hard to see past it. After talking to close friends and my counselor, I decided that a therapeutic way for me to deal with my own depression would be to write about it. My hope is that my writing will be informative, especially for those who have never struggled with depression. Now, I’m not an expert on the subject. Most of my writing will be from a personal standpoint.