grace eventually.

I've often pondered this. In fact, I think I've had a few conversations with different friends about it. Often when you're watching a musical, it's natural for someone to burst into song. My favorite is when others join in and just happen to know all the same dance moves...yet it's supposed to be spontaneous. My latest obsession is the new tv show on Fox, GLEE!!! If you haven't seen it, you need to! It's about a group of highschool students, mainly misfits, who love to sing. Naturally, the glee club is not seen as cool at all, so there's always some conflict that is stemmed from trying to take down the club. Of course, that never happens. I, unfortunately, can't sing and I don't really have any stellar dance moves, although I have been doing Hip-Hop Abs with Shaun T. 3 times a week, so I suppose I could incorporate that into my daily life, but I have a feeling I would get some strange looks. Last night, my friend Matt, called me from Nashville. He was standing outside the Indigo Girls' tour bus waiting to see if he could catch a glimpse of them. My very first memory of Matt was on my 26th birthday. A group of us went to see the Indigo Girls and at the last minute, one of my girlfriends couldn't go so Matt took her place! One would think that as the only male, he might be uncomfortable, however, in the middle of "Shame on You" I look over and he's got his hands in the air, eyes closed, dancing his little heart away. It was then that I knew he and I were destined to be good friends! And if I do ever decide to turn my life into a musical, he would be the first one beside me dancing, singing, and acting a fool!

I’ve been having a lot of conversations recently about perceptions, trust, vulnerability, etc. Working in a church one would think you would be surrounded by people you can open your heart up to and know that those fragile parts of yourself can be preserved. Sadly, this is not always the case. On the other hand, there are those who you consciously choose not to trust because you see how perfect they seem to be on the outside. How in the world could they ever understand? The truth is, most of us live under some type of mask. We have no idea how we will be received if we ever choose to remove it. I’m currently in a short Beth Moore Bible Study called “Measureless Love.” The first week Beth talked about how, we, women in particular, are constantly trying to measure up to something. We try to measure up to someone else or by someone else’s standards. It’s exhausting. I find myself just as guilty of it. I look at many of the women in this church who come in each week with their husband and children and think, “Man, why can’t I have that?” or I see a girl a few rows in front of me with the perfect, hair, clothes, figure, etc, and think, “Why can’t I look like her?” My mom’s generation typically believes that you can’t go outside of the house without full make-up and fixed hair. I did not inherit this…or maybe I rebel against it. My freshman year of college the trend was to wear pajama pants to class. Strange? Maybe. I typically showed up to class with no make-up on, my hair on top of my head and wearing a t-shirt, pajama pants, and tennis shoes. My mom was certain I was depressed. It was actually the opposite. It was one of the happiest times of my life because I was surrounded by people who loved me for me, not what I looked like. I found it quite liberating. Today I don’t show up to work in my pajamas, although I certainly would like to some days. I don’t always wear make-up and often you’ll see me with my hair in a ponytail. Other days you’ll see me wearing nicer clothes, full make-up, and fixed hair. Regardless, I’m still the same person and it’s my hope that people accept me as I am. And those days when I might look a little nicer, there’s probably a whole lot of chaos going on inside me that I’d prefer to mask.

The near future holds a gift of contentment.
-so says my Chinese fortune

I've been carrying this around in my wallet for the past couple of weeks. It came at an interesting time...a time when I didn't feel content, when I was questioning, when I felt unsure about who I was. Not to say that all these things have been resolved but just the sheer fact that I kept a fortune from a cookie got me thinking about where we get our truth from. I certainly don't think some fortune cookie maker had me in mind when he/she produced it. It's just meant to be fun...and depending on the crowd, not my friends:), may include such things as "in bed" attached to it. But I do believe the near future holds a gift a contentment...

Here's a band I've been listening to recently...

From Susan's therapist:

"I can't tell you how many people come in here feeling disenfranchised, disillusioned, and disgusted with church. I'm talking solid Christians, lifelong churchgoers. They don't know where their faith is or where God is. I think the American church got away from the gospel, and we took a lot of people with us. People like you." (11).

Bring on couples counseling!

If I lived in Mandeville, I know where I'd spend all my free time:)

I've recently been having conversations with different friends about "home." This tends to come up on the cusp of a big transition. We try to find our place, where we belong. Below you will find a blog I wrote on Myspace in August 2006, post graduation/pre-moving back to Ruston.

I've been thinking a lot about home lately. Where is home exactly? The place we hang our hat? The place we sleep on a regular basis? Where our stuff is? Ever since I left my childhood home 6 years ago I've questioned this. Yes, I still consider Ruston, my parents house, my home in the conventional sense, but I've come to realize that home is not really about a location but more about the people that are in that place. So I guess the cheezy saying, "Home is where the heart is" is true. For the last 4 and ½ years, Kentucky has been my home. The people I have met here have provided a haven for me as I've learned, struggled, hurt, and grown. Now that I've graduated, my home has been shaken a bit. I'm still living in the same place but things have shifted. As school gets ready to start back up next week, I'm realizing how much I feel displaced in this community. Sure, there are still certain people that will continue to be a part of my life, but to be on campus as a graduate feels weird. It's completely internal...Asbury continues to be a community that is welcoming of all people (most of the time), but I guess it's more the feeling that my purpose for being here is finished. And I find myself wondering, why the heck am I still here? God's been faithful to bring people new and old across my path to remind me that although my initial purpose may have been to get a degree, my real purpose continues to be fulfilled everyday wherever I am.

I don't typically dedicate an entire blog post to a specific person...minus you know, people I don't really know but would like to, however, my friend, Ross has just started a new blog so I feel inspired to promote it since I'm sure it will be highly entertaining:) In his first post, he states, "I will be offensive and judgmental and won’t feel bad about doing it. I will be loving and caring and will feel great about myself afterwards. I will add humor and fun and will make it enjoyable – for you and me." He will be all those things...it's who he is and although there are certainly plenty of things we don't agree on, at the end of the day I'm still crazy about him. So if you're easily offended, I would maybe suggest you not check him out.

He's also a very talented photographer. Check out his work here.

A funny story. My mom called me late yesterday afternoon from Shreveport. She tells me she's come up with this great ministry opportunity for Trinity, especially targeting all the "mature" women in the church. She continues on about how I need to advertise it in the bulletin and in the Tidings. Finally she shares this "great ministry opportunity" of hers. The Chippendales are coming to Shreveport in October!! Yep, this is my mother:)

As promised I'm going to share my thoughts on Angry Conversations with God. It may take me a few months to get through it, not for lack of entertainment but time. In the intro, Susan shares about her faith: she grew up Lutheran and for as long as she could remember had always believed in God and that Jesus loved her. That was until she had the worst year of her life: her father died, her mom had a stroke, her career was spiraling downward, her best friends were all getting married in the same summer, and her boyfriend of three years breaks up with her. To top it off, she runs into the ex lip-locked with a new girl in Central Park. A well-meaning Christian friend, tries to console her with, "Praise God, the Lord is showing you that Jack's moved on." Susan's response: "God isn't showing me Jack moved on; God's showing me he's moved on. I feel like God has abandoned me." A month later this well-meaning friend recommends the book The Sacred Romance, explaining that "our relationship with God is nothing short of marriage." Seriously?! I'm not discounting this statement or the book but when you're in the midst of intense grief, some sappy romance book about God may not be the best solution. This is when Susan gets the bright idea to take God to couples counseling. She seeks out a Christian therapist who's willing to counsel her and her immortal, invisible husband. God would never change, but if they were in a marital relationship, there were some things he needed to know about her...primarily that she was angry.

"These were nothing but middle-class white girl's tragedies. But I was a middle-class white girl, with a middle-class white girl faith. In fact, my middle-class white girl's tragedies ceased to be the tragedy at all: the tragedy was God's response--total silence. I couldn't hear God or see God or sense God anywhere or in anything. Some people call this the Dark Night of the Soul. It was dark, all right. And silent. And I was alone." (p. 6).

And so begins her journey to find a way back to what she once knew: that God was good and Jesus loved her.