grace eventually.

A couple of weeks ago Andy asked the staff if we were at a place in our lives where we felt like we were ready to battle or if we needed to stay back and rest. After thinking about this for a few minutes, I concluded that I was coming out of a season of rest and God was preparing me to get into battle. Since then, I've felt like every time I get up to battle, I get smacked down. The last few weeks, maybe even months I've made some bad choices. I've made some good ones too, but the truth is that I feel like I've been losing myself. I've come face-to-face with this in the past few days, even more so when one of my best friends and I got into a heated argument where he told me I seemed different. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

Change is all around me. The next month will probably be one of the hardest in terms of who I'm going to have to say goodbye to and attempt to let go. My nature is and has always been to push away. That's a huge part of what our argument was about. When everything around me seems to be shifting, I have this tendency to isolote myself, throwing myself into full-force coping ON MY OWN mode. I know this isn't healthy for me or my relationships, but for whatever reason it feels safe to me. Lady Antebellum has a line in their recent hit "Need You Now" that says, "I would rather hurt than feel nothing at all." A friend and I had a conversation about this one night. I actually feel the exact opposite. I would prefer to feel nothing. Maybe because when I hurt, everything becomes real and I feel completely out of control.

Thank you to Beth Moore for these words...
"Although we may have something unhealthy deep inside of us, those in whom Christ dwells also have something deeper. Something whole. Something so infinitely healthy that if it would but invade the rest of us, we would be healed."

We're having a Beth Moore simulcast here at Trinity based on her newest book, So Long, Insecurity. The books came in this week and I decided to read as much as I could before the 24th. Of course, after reading the Table of Contents, my attention was drawn to Chapter 12: Through the Eyes of the Guys. She surveys 150 men on their insecurities, as well as how they view insecurity in women. The same day I picked this book up, I see Don Miller has written a blog entitled "What Women Really Need From Men" followed by "What Men Really Need From Women." Interesting. Based off these two outlooks, I've decided to do a little comparative analysis. Take it for what it's worth:)

According to Beth, men and women aren't all that different in our insecurities. We all worry about being desirable to the opposite sex and we all want to be loved, however the #1 insecurity for men is fear of failure. Both Beth & Don talk about how fathers make a significant impact on this. If they don't have a strong male role-model (preferably their dad) encouraging them, they spend the majority of their life trying to get it elsewhere. Typically when men feel insecure, they withdraw. Women, on the other hand, cling. Men prefer not to admit they're feeling insecure, while we women pester men to death to help us feel less insecure, yes? For women it's no surprise that men notice our #1 insecurity to be our appearance. We buy into this idea that we need to look a certain way when in reality, guys aren't necessarily looking for that type of beauty. Other insecurities men see in women include irrational jealousies, full-blown emotional episodes, an obsession with what people think, and an insatiable need for affirmation. Sigh... I wish I could say they were wrong but alas, I struggle with all of these, sometimes all at the same time! Men prefer their women confident, not for their sakes but for ours because let's face it, when we're struggling with insecurity, we feel miserable.

According to Don, what women are looking for in men is confidence, strenghth, and mystery. He suggests that guys should first work on themselves, find their passions, and invite us into their adventure. Basically, have a life outside of us. Ironically, his blog on what men are looking for is longer (go figure). What a guy needs is a strong, confident woman. Hmmm...sounds very similar to what we're looking for, yes? Beauty is an important factor but not in terms of what's deemed as beautiful by society. Beauty comes in the form of taking care of yourself but not to the point that you come across as desperate. The truth is, ladies, we're all beautiful in our own unique way. I say this to myself as much as I'm saying it to you. Beth mentions in her book that one thing men have noticed is how we as women tend to compare ourselves to one another. I say this all the time. When I get dressed to go somewhere, I'm dressing for either a) my gay boyfriends or b) my girlfriends. They're the ones that are truly going to notice. Now I'm sure guys aren't completely oblivious, but in truth, we as women do typically compare ourselves to other women. Don also says that men want women who respect them, who have a vision for life, and who are choosy. I really appreciate the last one because as a woman in my early 30's it's hard when people question why I'm not married. The truth is I never want to settle. I think being choosy can come across as being snotty. That's certainly not the case. As myself and most of my single girlfriends agree, I would rather be single than than in an unhappy marriage. I'm sure I could've been married right out of college like many of my friends (most of which are still happily married, by the way), but in order for that to have happened, I would've married someone for all the wrong reasons. I'm speaking for myself here, but I think if we surveyed women, they too would want a man who's respectful, has a vision for life, especially that involves both of us, and is choosy.

Today I watched an interview with Don where he talked a lot about relationships and his singleness. He's reached a point at 38 where he's content with his life, not that he doesn't desire to be married and have a family. He's focusing on his own story and becoming content with who he is before inviting someone else to join in on his adventure. He mentioned in the interview that he's come to a place where he feels like he can sacrificially love others in his life without expecting anything in return.

What I've gleaned from both authors is that despite our insecurities and what we may be looking for from each other, we can't be the "be-all and end-all" for the opposite sex. We can't seek all our fulfillment from one another. Sure we can partially, but only God can love us perfectly and completely because we are imperfect and have a hard enough time loving ourselves completely, much less one another. The best we can do is strive for Don's mindset of loving the best we can without expecting anything in return.

Happy.
Anxious.
Confused.
Sad.
Disappointed.
Content.
Loved.
Uncertain.
Creative.
Annoyed.
Nervous.


This sums up all the emotions I've felt since the last time I wrote. And this is the girl who makes me smile the most.