update on life...
1:45 PMI often wish that the thoughts in my head could somehow miraculously end up on paper or transcribed onto my blog. Of course, there are also those thoughts that I wouldn’t subject anyone to lest I be sent immediately to the insane asylum:) I’ve been reflecting on the last couple of months…some of the most heart-wrenching but also exciting days of my life. The blow of Chris’ tragic death has softened although certain days he still floods my thoughts…the 5th of every month signifying another month since he died, April 25th—his birthday, and Mother’s Day. I thought about his mom all day yesterday and wished I could get in touch with her to let her know I was thinking about her. This Mother’s Day was weird for me. I was flooded with thoughts of those women who either lost their moms or a child this year. I also found myself thinking about my own “lack of” motherhood. With each passing year, I wonder if I’ll ever have any kids of my own. On the flip side, I found myself even more grateful for my 3 Godchildren. Unintentionally, I had decided that yesterday would be the day I would hang out with Garrett, my eldest Godson since we haven’t had a chance to do anything together in quite some time. They continue to mean the world to me and those days when I question my life here in Ruston, I look at their faces and know how lucky I am to live close to them again.
In March I transitioned to a new position at the church, Director of Adult Ministries. I’m over Sunday School, small groups, women’s ministry, etc. So far it’s been a great fit. I’m getting to know our amazing leaders and visioning for the future. We had our first Women’s Retreat last weekend and I got such great feedback from the women that attended. I have a great office that has become a haven for many of my co-workers. It’s a great representation of my personality and it’s my hope that it will be a great space for ministry. Since I’m still only a 30-hour-a-week employee, I’m also still working away at Starbucks. A lot of transition has happened there too and I’ve been amazed to see how we’ve really stood together as a family even though we lost such a great leader. Some weeks all I feel like I do is work. What’s worse are those weeks where I feel like I work all the time with no end result. The thing about ministry is that you can’t always measure your productivity by what you check off your “to do” list or even by a set of expectations that are met. It’s in the little things like conversations over coffee, time spent in prayer, or even taking some of the load off someone else’s plate…
The last couple of months I’ve had a lot of interesting conversations with different people. Some were about faith, some about life….. I am surrounded by a diverse group of friends…I attribute that to Starbucks. As I get to know people my faith typically comes into play in some fashion. It easily comes up in conversation because I work at a church. The responses are always intriguing, but generally as people get to know me they realize that me being a Christian doesn’t mean that I’m judgmental, hypocritical, or incapable of having fun. The truth is I love people, I really really love people. I love the traits that make up a person, their quirks and their passions, down to the core of who they really are. On the other hand, it is my hope that whether or not someone shares my religious views, they will offer me the same respect that I desire to give others. My relationship with Christ stands at the core of who I am…I will never make apologies about that. Unfortunately we live in a world where Christianity is misconstrued. Many people have been hurt by Christians or by the church. I can’t change that…I can only offer the love and grace that has been extended to me by my Heavenly Father. Am I perfect at it? No. Sometimes I fail miserably. It’s then that I have to ask for forgiveness and try again.
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